Nightclubber Hussein buys Valentine’s Day gifts for his darlings

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Jessica pours Sapporo beer from the jug into Chow Kah's willybecher and he takes a gulp. After he has wiped his lips with a piece of Kleenex tissue, she spears a slice of papaya and brings it to his mouth.

Displaying deep cleavage in her skimpy top, Wati, sitting beside Hussein, purrs: “Darling, what are you getting me for Valentine’s Day?”

Hussein, dressed in a button-down-collar shirt, buries his face in the lustrous hair flowing down her neck and sniffs the scent of lavender and ylang ylang of her perfume. “I've already bought it. Something to do with carat,” he says.

“Yippeeeee!” Wati [pix below] enthuses and she kisses Hussein on the cheek. “Where did you buy it from?”

Hussein takes a sip of his Bintang beer. “Make a guess.”

Wati’s eyes twinkle like stars. “Lazo Diamond?’

“No.”

She uses a tissue to wipe the lipstick stain off Hussein’s cheek. “Tiffany?”

Hussein shakes his head. “Nope.”

Wati places an arm over Hussein’s shoulder. “Diamond & Platimum?”

“No.”

“Tomei?’

“No.”

“Poh Kong?”

“Darling, Poh Kong doesn’t sell that kind of thing. I ordered a two-pound carrot cake for you.”

Loud giggles and guffaws fill the karaoke room.

“Cheh!” Wati slides away from Hussein and sulks. “You bloody cheap skate!”

Hussein grins, displaying nicotine-stained teeth. “Wati, it’s from your favourite cake shop in Kampung Datuk Keramat.”

Chow Kah asks: “What about your wives, Hussein? Buying anything for them?”’

Jessica leans back on the settee, crosses her legs at the knees and her miniskirt rides upward, exposing creamy thighs. “Yeah, you must be fair to your sweet hearts.”

Hussein takes a Mandarin orange from the red plastic platter on the coffee table and starts to peel it. “All my presents have been bought and wrapped. I got a gold bracelet for my first wife. I asked the goldsmith to engrave the words ‘To my darling’ on it.”

Jessica [left pix] asks: “Why didn’t you engrave her name?”

Hussein throws a few orange segments into his mouth and taps the side of his head with his right forefinger. "If later we're divorced, I can re-use the bracelet.”

“So, what’s your second wife going to get?” I ask, sipping my chocolate milk shake.

“A book titled The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud for my second wife.”

“Huh?” exclaims Chow Kah. “Why such an odd present?” He rests his hand on Jessica’s lap and starts to stroke it.

Hussein’s expression turns solemn. “A week ago she told me she dreamed that I gave her a diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day. She asked me what’s the meaning of that dream.” He throws the Mandarin-orange skin with vehemence into the wastebasket. “She thinks I’m stupid huh? I also know how to play games.”

Chow Kah asks: “What about your third wife?”

“It’s an acne treatment course at a beauty salon. Whenever she’s having her period, acne breaks out on her face – they’re red and the size of kacang putih! I can’t kiss her on the cheeks.”

“That’s being a good husband,” Chow Kah says. “What about wife number four?” He pricks a sliver of mango and brings it to Jessica’s mouth, agape.

“I bought her a mop, imported from Germany. It comes with a hurricane-spin bucket. The mop head is made of special absorbent fibres. The handle is made of titanium so it’s light.”

Everyone chuckles. I slap my knees and almost choke on my chocolate milk shake.

“Are you bonkers?” Wati asks. “She’s your youngest and prettiest wife!”

“Wait, wait, don’t condemn me.” Hussein wags his forefinger. “My fourth wife’s a PAS member. She's anti-Valentine’s Day!”

“Heeeheeeheeheehee!” Wati laughs. “She deserves it! Serves her right!”

/end