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Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Satire: Japanese hunk disqualifed from chess tournament



[All pixs of models for illustration  only]


Japan's youngest chess master, Sakamoto (pix above), has been disqualified from the first round of the Pan-Malaysian Chess Club 2017 International Open Championship.  Chief judge Romeo Li (pix below), a closet homosexual, clutched at his groin and explained, "That handsome Sakamoto gave me an erection as two buttons of his shirt were undone. I also noticed he had a big bulge in his crotch. Under the rules of the tournament on non-tempting personal appearance, I have no choice but to disqualify him."



/end


Sunday, April 30, 2017

Wanna trade online?

      
Advertising claim: “I spend 30 minutes a day to trade online and earn RM5,000                                                  every month! Let me show you how!"


                            Reality:  “WTF! I’ve been duped into trading online! 
                                                         Now I’m broke!”


/end

Monday, February 20, 2017

"No photography inside Baboon House?" sneers food blogger Ah-Pit Poh. "Don't make a monkey out of me!"



[Source of pix above: sethlui.com]

“No photography allowed inside Baboon House?” sneers Ah-Pit Poh [pix below], a popular food blogger. “That’s fine with me – I’ll just give this spot a miss. There’re other blogger-friendly cafes in Malacca.”



Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Satire: Convicted cobbler offers free shoe-repair services for three years in lieu of jail sentence





[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

Argusalim Supraman, a 45-year old cobbler in Chow Kit, who was sentenced to 5 years' jail for robbing a wet-market trader last month, offered free shoe-repairing services for the poor and needy for three years in lieu of his jail term. The street-smart cobbler said so to the judge after the latter read out his sentence. The learned judge rejected his offer as "it would lead to a dangerous precedent." Argusalim was arrested in an identification parade in the Chow Kit police station after the victim had lodged a report. DPP Autar Au said he would appeal for a heavier sentence as Argusalim had also violated immigration laws by not having any proper documents.

/end

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Satire: Ah-Pit Poh disallowed counter service because of her short skirt but she's overjoyed!





[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

“This morning, I went to the town council to pay my bills but a security guard outside the building refused to let me enter,” Ah-Pit Poh says (pix above). “He said my skirt is above my knees so -- to use his own words -- it’s sangat mengghairahkan and indecent. Those two words mean ‘arousing sexual desire.’ ” A grin spreads across her face. “Then I noticed his crotch became a big bulge! Whoopee! I’m so pleased a holy and pious security guard finds me sexually appealing!”

/end

Friday, September 4, 2015

Satire: Kuching Seksi Malaya challenges Harimau Malaya to a soccer match





[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]


AN OPEN CHALLENGE TO HARIMAU MALAYA


“We, Kuching Seksi Malaya, hereby issue a challenge to Harimau Malaya to a soccer match,” says Monica Miao, captain of the team (right pix).

“Since they disgraced Malaysia by losing 10-0 to United Arab Emirates in a World Cup qualifier, they are only fit to play soccer against women.”

Arching an eyebrow, Monica flashes a grin. “We're confident of beating Harimau Malaya because our uniforms alone would make their knobbly knees shake in their shorts. What's at stake? The losing team eats their soccer boots! Deal?"

/end

Monday, May 25, 2015

Satire: What did one Rohingya say to another?





Rohingya 1 says to Rohingya 2: "Will we be arrested if we cross the border illegally to Malaysia?"

Rohingya 2 says to Rohingya 1: "Phooey! So what? We’ll get free accommodation, free hand-me-down clothes, free food and human-rights protection from nothing-better-to-do NGOs!"

Rohingya 2 says to Rohingya 3: "Listen, later we’ll apply for refugee status from the UN Refugee Agency, then go for Malaysian PR status!"

Rohingya 3 says to Rohingya 4: "Whooopee! Once we’ve settled in, we’ll court the local Malay girls, marry them and take roots in the country! We're as handsome as the Bangladeshis, aren't we? Many of them've done it."

Rohingya 4 says to Rohingya 5: "A certain quarter of KL’s already known as 'Little Indonesia' because of many Indons living there. Let’s show them 'Rohingya Boleh'! We can set up a Little Rohingya too!"

Rohingya 5 says to Rohingya 6: "Jeepers creepers! I didn’t know that Malaysia’s the land of milk, honey, opportunities and sambal belacan. Now that I do, I’ll going to tell my friends, my relatives and my neighbours to go there."

Rohingya 6 says to Rohingya 7, 8, 9, 10...ad infinitum: "Let's go! Let's go to Malaysia!"

/end

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Satire: Sweet old lady, Ah-Hong Poh, shocked that Chinese herbal medicine subject to GST




[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

Ah-Hong Poh, the sweet old lady who lives opposite me, says. "This morning I went to consult a Chinese sinseh in Chow Kit. I was shocked when I looked at the bill. It included a 6% GST for the herbal medicine!" She picks up a rolling pin and brandishes it menacingly (left pix). "Now, who's that chibai-kia who said GST won't burden the people?"

I raise a finger to my lips. "Sssssh! You want to be charged for sedition?"

Ah-Hong Poh breaks down and sobs. "I cannot afford the increased cost of living." She dabs her wet eyes with a handkerchief. "I'm going to recycle my sanitary pads since they're also subject to GST. Maybe wash them in the fountain at Jalan Maharajalela near the Chan She Shu Yuen Temple to save on water." She replaces her hankerchief in her pocket. "Is coffin subject to GST?"

/end

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Satire: A Chow Kit hooker gives her views on the chopping off of thieves' hands under hudud



[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

"Excuse me, Miss, are you a working girl?" asks Chow Kah.

"Yes, I am," the night-butterfly replies.

"There's been lot of talk about using a mini guillotine to hack off the hands of thieves in our country when hudud is implemented. Are you in favour or against it?"

"Of course, I'm against it."

Chow Kah furrows his eyebrows. "May I know why?" he asks.

"A man without hands cannot take off his pants!"

/end

Friday, November 23, 2012

Satire: scenario in Malaysia if Hadi Awang becomes PM and implements hudud


Mandatory public caning for Muslim women arrested for adultery, pre-marital sex, for not wearing tudong [head cover] and for consuming alcohol.



Mandatory public whipping for Muslim men arrested for consuming alcohol and for having sex with prostitutes. Kantoi!



Thousands of girls married to Dirty Old Men as child marriages thrive. Jumping on the bandwagon, scores of hum sup [lecherous] Chinese old men embrace Islam to marry underaged Muslim girls -- Ho liao!



Male doctors, both Muslims and non-Muslims, barred from treating female patients. Long queues form at female doctors' clinics.



Mandatory for Muslim men to keep beard or face public whipping. Sales of fake beards soar! "Mari, mari, janggut palsu!" [Come, come, fake beards!] roar traders in Kampung Baru night market.



Male hairdressers barred from styling women’s hair. Thousands of male hairdressers close their salons.



Mandatory jail for non-Muslims arrested for playing mahjong and card games. New prisons are built to accommodate the fast-swelling number of offenders.



Malaysia gets blacklisted by America’s Financial Action Task Force (FATF). Labelled as a “pariah nation”, the country faces international isolation and collapse of its economy.


/end

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Satire: Scenario in Kuala Lumpur if PAS comes to power and implements hudud






**Bintang Walk is segregated into two lanes: one for men, the other for women and children [pix above]. This move attracts more Taliban tourists whose mindset is the same as that of the administrators.


**Extremists attack pubs, discos, nightclubs, dangdut lounges, karaoke bars and dance clubs, smashing bottles of alcoholic drinks, beer and liqueurs [pix above]. Thousands of GROs, mamasans, waiters, bouncers, DJs, musicians, waitresses, administration staff and -- to borrow a term from PAS -- "UMNO [United Malays of No Otak] infidels" are jobless.


**Extremists plan to attack non-Muslim places of worship so you pray under perpetual police protection. [pix above]


**At Cold Storage (and other supermarkets), you pay for your groceries at a male–only or female-only check-out counter as the case may be.


**Your daughter (or female relative) wears a head covering, long pants and long-sleeved tee-shirts to participate in sports [pix above].


**If you are a man, in the GSC, TGV, MBO or Cathay cinema, you sit in the “Men’s Section” while your wife, sister or girlfriend sits in the “Women’s Section”.



**In the LRT, KL Monorail and KTM Komuter, if you're a guy, you sit in the “Men’s Coach” while your wife, sister or girlfriend sits in the “Women’s Coach”.


**Illegal bookies thrive as Pan Malaysian Pools, Magnum, Da Mai Cai and Sports Toto are banned.


**Women's swimming, diving, beach volleyball and gymnastics are banned because they show too much flesh, causing green-robed, turbaned, bearded men to masturbate in the lavatory after watching the events.

/end

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Satire: what will become of our brothels if PAS implements hudud?


A brothel in Kuala Lumpur BEFORE PAS (Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party) implements hudud


A brothel in Kuala Lumpur AFTER PAS (Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party) implements hudud



/end

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Satire: Roadside cobber makes it big




[Pixs for illustration purpose only]

Entering Restoran Seri Melayu, I bump into Pak Hartono, my ex-cobbler, eating dinner with a voluptuous brown-skinned girl half his age. Dressed in a three-piece suit, a Pierre Cardin necktie and a black songkok, he shakes my hands, and gives me his name card. It says:

Hartono Exclusive Shoes Sdn Bhd
Hartono Shoe College Sdn Bhd
Datuk Professor Dr. Hartono Hashim, Managing Director

My eyes almost pop and my jaw drops.

“Please sit down,” he says and proceeds to explain his businesses: a very high-end shoe workshop in Sentul that exports to exclusive boutiques in Milan, London, New York, Hollywood and Bollywood, and a college in Gombak that runs a two-year diploma course in shoe-making, with an annual enrolment of 300 students.

Jesus Christ! This guy has certainly come a long way since his roadside stall in Jalan Raja Alang, KL, where I used to have my and my wife’s shoes repaired over the last decade.

“What’s your secret of success?” I ask.

“Luck, just plain luck,” he says and turns to look at his companion. “This is my fourth wife, Kartika.”

Smiling, I nod at his charming better-half. Then to him: “Please tell me more, Datuk Professor Dr. Hartono.”

"We're old friends. Please address me like before -- Bapak Hartono. I'm still a humble, uneducated shoe-maker at heart." He puts down his fork and spoon and wipes his lips with a napkin. “One day, a prince from the Sultanate of Riau stopped at my stall to repair his shoe. He’d been sightseeing a lot, and the strap on his shoe -- you know, the type with buckle -- had broke, the heel had also worn out. I sewed on a black PU strap and hammered a PVC heel on his crocodile-skin shoe. I did the same for the other shoe.

“A month later, he came back to my stall. He'd gone to London for a social function and a prince of the British royal family -- his friend since his university days in Oxford -- liked the design of his shoes -- the one I had repaired. The British prince asked the Riau prince to order six pairs for him. So, I altered six pairs of old shoes and charged him RM500 for each pair. One thing led to another. The British prince visited Hollywood, and singer Shakira liked the shoes he wore, and ordered a dozen pairs through the prince who, in turn, placed Shakira's order through the Riau prince. This time I charged RM1,000 for each pair. Gradually, my success snowballed through word of mouth. More orders slowly came from London and Hollywood and even from Bollywood. My prices became more and more expensive. When I had saved enough, I set up the workshop and college.

“Later, the Sultan of Mindanao conferred me a Datukship after I donated to the Moro Liberation Front. A year later, the Universitas Balikpapan in Borneo awarded me an Honorary Doctorate." He winks. "Actually, I donated to their building fund. After that, the Lake Toba Higher Vocational Institute gave me a Professorship.”

"Well, I'll be," I mutter to myself.


/end