Friday, October 23, 2015

Hot Legs Niteclub’s Gang of Four discusses about sex and divorcees

[Pixs of models for illustration only]

“Hussein, the facilities here are excellent,” I say, spearing a lobster from the grate of the BBQ and placing it on my plate. “Whose condo is this?"

Standing beside me, Hussein basts the pieces of lamb, chicken patties and sausages on the grate with brown-coloured sauce. “My fourth wife’s condo. Since she’s gone for her Umrah, I decided to take the opportunity to hold a BBQ here.” He picks up a plate from a nearby mobile cart and transfers some squids to it. “Come let’s join them.”

We walk to the poolside where Jessica, Wati and Chow Kah are seated at a round table. Jessica and Wati are garbed in bikinis as they want to take a dip in the pool after the BBQ dinner. Chow Kah has on a pair of brown slacks with matching belt and a body-hugging shirt with two buttons undone at the top.

I settle down on a chair between Hussein and Chow Kah. “So, what’s the topic of discussion here?”

Jessica (pix above) pours some Marigold soya bean milk from a cardbox package into her glass. “Chow Kah’s interested to befriend divorcees, says they are easier to get laid as compared to single girls.” She takes a sip of her drink.

“Not necessarily so,” Wati says. “Divorcees are experienced in the wiles of men.”

"But some still have biological urges." Hussein cuts his squid into two and places one half on Wati’s plate. “From what I’ve read in Malay newspapers, many of the women caught for khalwat are divorcees.”

Chow Kah prises off the cap of a bottle of Asahi Premiun Beer. “Any tips to date a divorcee?” He takes a gulp straight from the bottle.

I pluck off the head of my lobster with my hands. “For what purpose? For casual sex or for a long-term relationship?”

“No-strings-attached sex.” Chow Kah's voice is devoid of emotion.

Jessica stabs a piece of fish and dips it in teriyaki sauce. “Tell me, Chow Kah, how many women have you slept with?”

Chow Kah smiles. “Only one. With the others, I was awake bonking them!”

A chuckle rolls from my lips.

“Talking about divocees, last year, my fourth wife almost divorced me.” Hussein spears a squid and brings it to his mouth. “I was in Bangkok on business and texted her. Because of a misspelling, my sms read, ‘Having a pleasurable time in Bangkok. Wish you were her.’ She called me immediately and hollered at the top of her voice. I had a re-look of my sms. It should have been ‘here’ instead of ‘her’, but luckily, she accepted my explanation.”

“Back to the topic, guys.” Jessica casts her gaze around the table. “Why you want to bonk a divorcee, Chow Kah?”

Chow Kah pauses to take a swallow. "They perform better as they’ve done it before. You know, experience.”

“That’s not being very smart.” Jessica waves a finger at him. “If she’s so loose, the risk of STD or HIV is always there.”

Chow Kah wipes his lips with a Kleenex. “What do divorcees look for in a man?”

I put down my fork and spoon and flick my gaze at Chow Kah “The usual stuff all girls look for. Good looks, a fat wallet and a nice car. But a divorcee who’s receiving a fat alimony from her ex is unlikely to be impressed by money.”

Leaning sideways, Wati (pix above) pats Hussein’s paunch. “Darling, with this beer belly, you can forget about dating a divorcee.”

“My dear, simple economics tell me not to go for a divorcee.” Hussein’s lips upturn in a mischievous smile. "For the same amount of money spent dating a divorcee or even lesser, I can go to a spa with happy ending.”

Chow Kah starts to de-shell another prawn. “So, how to tackle a divorcee?”

Jessica flicks her gaze at Chow Kah. “First thing you need to find out is how long has she been divorced? If it’s shorter than one year, then it’s difficult to start a relationship with her. She’s still nursing her emotional wounds.”

“Wouldn’t she need a shoulder to cry on?”

“Her emotional support would probably come from family members such as her mother or her girlfriends,” Wati (pix below) says.

“Next, was she the dumper or the dumpee?” Jessica chews on her grilled chicken fillet. “If she was the dumpee because of personality issues with her ex-husband, she probably has rough edges sticking out. Possibly she's hot-tempered, a nag, a compulsive gambler, or whatever. Never get involved with such a divorcee.”

Chow Kah nods. “What if she were the dumpee because her husband was unfaithful?”

“Theoretically speaking, a woman dumped by her husband because of another woman is likely not worth the expenses and trouble to date and go to bed with. She's unlikely to be pretty and sexy. Not only that, she probably doesn’t trust men any more.”

Chow Kah chews on his prawn and talks with his mouth full. “How to meet divorcees? Suggestions, anyone?”

“Senior citizens home!” says Hussein. “I’m sure there’re old divorcees among the residents.”

Chow Kah scowls. “Come on, be serious, and don’t make fun of old people.”

“I’m sure dating websites have many divorcees,” Wati says. “But only email those with pictures. Women like to flaunt their good looks. Plain Janes always hide their faces. Some divorcees, especially office executives, are social drinkers. Divorcees who like to party or drink are probably looking for a new husband or maybe even sexual adventures.”

Jessica casts her gaze at Wati. “Yes, that’s quite true. Last month, a woman -- she looks thirty-something -- came alone to Hot Legs to drink almost every night and would leave with a man she met at the bar. A grizzled old man showed up one evening with a rifle in his hands. 'What’s the one who’s been sleeping with my divorced daughter? I'm going to shoot him!' Our bartender replied, ‘Mister, you don’t have enough bullets in your rifle. There're so many men to shoot you'll need a machine-gun!' ”

“Holy cow!” Chow Kah’s eyebrows shoot up. “Jessica, the next time she’s here, you call my mobile immediately!”


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