Sunday, July 24, 2016

The Gang of Four discusses how to spot horny women and take one home!

[Pixs of models for illustration only]

Looking up from Jessica’s toes, Chow Kah asks, “How to spot a horny woman?”

Jessica’s two feet are resting on top of the coffee table and Chow Kah is painting her toe nails with red varnish.

“Why you want to know?” Wati stretches  her hands upward (pix below) and turns left and right at the waist. “Ooooh… I’m so tired.”

Chow Kah blows at Jessica’s big toe. “My grandpa asked me this question and I couldn’t answer him.”

“Don’t believe his porkies!” Hussein lifts his pilsner glass of Bali Hai Hefeweizenbier and takes a glug. “He wants the info for his personal use.”   
The Gang of Four and I are in the VIP Karaoke Room of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke in Bukit Bintang, KL.

Jessica (pix below) casts her gaze at me. “First sign is she’s dresses sexily.”

“Any scientific proof?”  I ask. “She could be fashion conscious.”

“University of Minesota’s Carlson School of Marketing found that ovulating women buy sexier clothes."  She smooths her skirt with both hands. “They unconsciously dress up to enhance physical appearance so as to outdo other women. This study was published in Journal of Consumer Research.” 

“Another sign is eye contact.” Wati chirps in, sitting up straight (pix below). “Not just any eye contact. University of Chicago’s research has found that if a woman has romantic feelings for a man, she will gaze at his face. However, if she has sexual desire towards a man, she will look at other parts of his body.”

Chow Kah's eyebrows jerk upward. “His crotch! To assess his potential even before he loosens his belt!”

Jessica opens her mouth and lifts her hand to it. “Ho-hum! I knew you'd say that, Chow Kah.”

Wati adjusts the halter strap of her dress (pix below). “Actually, the findings apply to men as well. In other words, if a man looks at woman from head to toe, he has sexual interest in her.  If he has romantic feelings, he’ll stare at her face.” She drapes an arm over Hussein’s neck. “Sayang,  is that why you're always staring at my boobs? Because you lust for me but not love me?”

Sumpah! I love you! But I’m following the laws of nature!”

I take a sip of my water-melon juice. “Which journal published the study?”

Jessica melds her gaze to mine for a second.. “Psychological Science.”

Chow Kah dips the cap brush into the polish bottle. “What other ways to spot a horny woman?” He looks up at Jessica, holding the cap brush in mid-air.

“Another obvious sign is she’s touchy-feely. She may rest one hand on the man’s shoulder, or drape an arm over his neck, or run a finger down his necktie. Over-complimenting a man’s looks, broad shoulders and so forth is another sigh. A flirty smile is another indicator.”

Chow Kah starts to work on Jessica’s little toe. “How to tell the difference between a polite smile and a flirty smile?”

“The eyes, darling.” Jessica wriggles her big toe. “A polite smile doesn’t reach the eyes. A flirty smile lights up a person’s eyes. Look out for a twinkle or a gleam in that woman’s eyes. If  she sends you a flirty smile, and corresponding body language, the chances are high that she’s horny.”

Hussein spears a squid ring from a platter on the coffee table. “All those signs are not universal. They vary from person to person. Some girls play with their hair when they’re horny, others lick their lips.” He pops the squid ring into his mouth and gestures to me. “Ewe, try the squid, it’s great.”

I nod. “So what do you do when you spot a horny woman?” I pick up a fork and attack a squid ring.

“Act fast!” Jessica’s red lips dance a graceful waltz as she speaks.  “You must separate her from the pack, then go in for the kill! In other words -- ”

“Have you been watching National Geographic documentaries?” I ask.

Wati holds a finger to her lips. “Shsssh!  Let her continue.”

“In a club or in a party, if she’s with a group of female friends, get her away to a private area.  Create excuses like you want to show her your new sports car, or you want to tell her a joke in private. Then, after some chatting, you apply your seduction strategy on her.  One tactic is to ask something about her jewellery or wrist watch, pretend to inspect it and accidentally brush your fingers against her skin. If she doesn’t back off, it’s time to pull out your best panty-dropping pick-up line!” 

Tok! Tok! Tok!

The door swings inward, and Mummy Lulu (pix above) enters the karaoke room. “Chow Kah, I know you’re a car freak. You want to see my new BMW parked at the back?”


Saturday, June 25, 2016

Desy Arlina Amin of Lombok, Indonesia, is a woman with a heart of gold! God bless her a million times!

[source of pixs: Desy Marlina Amin’s Facebook]

Desy Marlina Amin of Lombok, Indonesia, is a saviour of stray cats and dogs. Though a Muslim, she keeps two dozen dogs and 40 cats rescued from the streets. May she live to a ripe old age so that stray animals can  continue to benefit from her unselfish kindness. Her place in Heaven is assured.   

A woman with a heart of gold deserves all the help we can give her.  Donations can be made to Bank Central Asia Account No:  2690281620 (B. Desy Marlina).


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Sifu Sabrina explains why Sakura Siew is attracting male admirers

[Pixs of models for illustration only]

Sifu Sabrina’s office door swings open. A sixty-something man (right pix below) enters and sits down in the visitor’s chair across her.  

Sabrina (pix above) looks up from her desk. “How can I help you?” She is wearing a strapless top which makes her able to stop traffic in Bukit Bintang.

“I’m Elvis, Sakura Siew’s husband.” He crosses his legs at the ankles. “Sakura’s attracting lots of male admirers. What’s the cause?”

“Yes, I know Sakura, haven’t seen her for a long time, though. Has she slimmed down?”

“Nope. Still the same.” Elvis jabs a button on his mobile and shows the screen to Sabrina. “This is her latest pix, taken in our bedroom.”

“Any painting of threesomes in your bedroom? Like, three ducks, three swans?”


“Any mirror facing the bed?”

“Yes, her dressing mirror faces our bed.”

“That must the cause of men being attracted to her.” Sabrina pulls open a drawer.  “Get rid of the mirror, and things will work out fine.” She takes out an apple.

“A mirror’s so powerful?”

Sabrina pulls out a piece of tissue from a box on the table. “Yes, be careful why you place the mirror in your home.” She wipes the apple with the tissue.

“Any tips about mirror placement?"

“Generally, mirrors should be used to reflect anything good and nice.” She bites on the apple (pix above). “Sorry, I skipped lunch and I’m hungry.” A pause. “Bad and ugly things should not be reflected by a mirror. For instance, use a mirror to reflect a cash register to double the money coming in and at the dining table to multiply the quantity of food.  A scenic mountain view or beautiful lakeside view can also be reflected to double its beauty so that positive chi can be multiplied.” She takes another bite on the apple. “If a mirror reflects drains, toilets, or a slum, remove it immediately. Also, never use a mirror that has cracks. Looking at the distorted image generates negative chi.” She plucks a piece of tissue and wipes her hands. “When you’ve got rid of Sakura’s admirers, buy her lots of apples to eat.”


“Apples make a woman horny. It’s a scientific fact.” Her lips upturn in a smile. “Then you can enjoy lots of sex with Sakura.”

“Horny?” Elvis’ eyes caress Sabrina from her face to her decolletage. “Er, why are you eating apples?” His eyes twinkle with insidious lechery.

“For health purposes, you idiot! There are other benefits of eating apples! I know what’s on your dirty mind!” She bolts to her feet. “This consultation’s over!”


Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Nightclubber Hussein joins a fitness centre

[Pixs of models for illustration only]

Wati (pix above) places her hands on the seat of the settee. “Where’s Hussein? He’s very late.” She leans sideways to look out the glass section of the door, as if hoping to catch sight of him.

I cast my glance at her. “He’s not coming. Tonight, he has zumba classes at his fitness centre.” I crack a groundnut and lop the seeds into my mouth.

Seated next to Chow Kah, Jessica (pix below) sips her sangria. “What’s zumba?” She’s garbed in a casual top and fuchsia shorts.

Chow Kah looks up from his iPhone. “It’s a dance workout performed to energetic music.”

Jessica, Wati, Chow Kah and yours truly are watching music performances in the VVIP Karaoke Room of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke in Bukit Bintang, KL.

Wati leans back on the settee. “Where’s his fitness centre?”

“Seri Hartamas.” I flick my gaze from the TV monitor to her. “He just joined last week.”

After More Than Friends by Tiger Huang ends, the door of the karaoke room swings open and enters Hussein, following by a gush of warm smokey air from the hall outside.

He wriggles his fingers. “Hi, everybody!”

My eyebrows rise in surprise. “Eh?  Aren’t you supposed to be exercising?”

“Good to see you, darling!” Wati rises to her feet. “So, you left your fitness centre early?” She swallows Hussein in a tight bear hug.

Hussein’s face appears over Wati’s shoulder with a scowl. “I resigned! On the spot!”

Chow Kah replaces his iPhone in his shirt pocket. “Oh, why?”

Hussein plops down on the settee and takes out his mobile phone. “See this? This is the photo in their e-brochure they sent to me. It’s supposed to be the centre’s team of fitness instructors (pix below).”

Wati playfully slaps Hussein’s shoulder. “So! The sexy instructors lured you to join?”

“Sort of!” Hussein wraps an arm around Wati’s slender waist and plants a kiss on her cheek. “This evening when I was there for the first time, I met the real instructors.” He taps a button on his mobile. “Look at this photo! I snapped it with my phone. These are the real instructors! (pix below)” He shakes his head. “I've lost all my motivation to lose weight!”

“Holy cow!” Chow Kah takes out his own mobile from his pants pocket. “I better cancel my membership of the Yamaguchi Aikido Club! It's run by a Japanese lady. Hope I can get a refund.”

I sit upright. “Why?”

While Jessica covers her mouth to snigger, Chow Kah taps his iPhone and shows the screen to everyone. “This is the photo in their sales brochure (pix below). I’ve a feeling that pretty girl’s not the instructor.”

Jessica slaps her knees. “I’ve seen the instructor before.” She stifles a giggle. “You’re right! The sifu is not that lady in your photo.” She pulls out her handphone tucked in her cleavage and jabs a button. “I've the real photo of the sifu. Last week, I took my grandpa to Yamaguchi for a trial lesson and took this photo of her. This is the  sifu! (pix below)."

Chow Kah throws his hands up in exasperation. “I should have known!”

Hussein slaps the arm of the settee with a palm. “People who put out fraudulent advertisements should be thrown in jail!”


Monday, May 2, 2016

The Gang of Four discuss about vibrators!

[Pixs of models for illustration only]

His face beaming with amusement, Chow Ask asks, “Why is a vibrator like a piece of tofu?”

“Eh?” I scratch my head. “No idea.” I see blank looks on the faces of Jessica, Wati and Hussein across the table.   

“Because they’re meat substitutes!”

The Gang of Four (Chow Kah & Jessica; Hussein & Wati) and I are having supper at Jalan Alor after a drinking binge at Hot Legs Karaoke & Niteclub. An unending stream of pedestrians are walking past our table, and vehicles are crawling like rats without legs on the drag. 

Hussein tosses his gaze at Wati (pix above). “When’s your birthday, darling?”

Wati purses her lip in a tease. “Why?”

“I’ll buy a vibrator as a birthday present for you.”

“Thanks but no thanks!" Wati  looks at Hussein in the eye. "If you give me one, I’ll use it on your asshole!”

Jessica (pix below) casts her gaze at Chow Kah.  “Hey, why’s everybody talking about vibrators?’

Chow Kah picks up a  roasted chestnut. "Haven't you heard the latest about vibrators?" He cracks the chestnut and pops its seed into his mouth. 

Jessica runs a hand through her tresses. “What about?" She spears a squid ring and starts to chew on it.

“Watson Malaysia is now selling vibrators.” Chow Kah raises four fingers. “There’re four models to choose from, and they also sell lubricants!”

“Eeeeek!” Jessica scrunches her face and puts her fork down. “That's disgusting! What kind of women will buy vibrators?” She takes a sip of her water melon juice. 

Wati flashes a sly grin. “Old over-sexed makcik! You know, old widows or divorcees. Also married women with husbands who are impotent or have small dicks! Sexually liberated women may also buy them to -- to" she lets out a little-girl giggle -- "to fuck themselves!"

Hussein wags a finger. “It’s not fair! If  women can buy vibrators, men should have access to sex dolls! But sale of sex dolls in Malaysia is banned.”

“Amitofu! I'm sorry to interrupt.” I turn to see a monk clad in a saffron robe standing near our table. A pair of shades hides his eyes (pix below).   

“My name’s Reverend Somsak from Wat Phra Singrai in Setapak, KL.” He whips off his sunglasses. “I was sipping beer, er -- plain water at the next table when I overheard your animated discussion about vibrators. So, allow me to give my two cents' worth.” His eyes bulge as he stares at Wati’s big bosom (pix below). “A woman’s valley of love should only be penetrated by her husband’s jade shaft. Penetration by anything else constitutes sexual misconduct.” He shifts his gaze to Jessica. “Using a vibrator tantamounts to adultery. And that’s against Buddhist precepts.” Eyes focused on Jessica, he pauses and licks his lips. “By the way, any of you want to donate to my temple?”

I fumble into my wallet, take out some money notes and stretch out my hand.

Reverend Somsak folds his arms across his chest. “Please, I cannot touch money! That's against Monastic Codes." He gestures to a bag hanging from his shoulder. “So, please drop your money into my bag.”

Rising from our chairs, Chow Kah and I step forward and slip our donations into the cloth bag hanging from the monk's shoulder.  
“Thank you! I’m planning to install a gold statue of Lord Buddha in my temple. That'll earn me a tremendous amount of good merits." Reverend Somsak displays a row of crooked teeth in a lecherous grin (right pix). "With those accumulated merits, I hope Lord Buddha will grant my wish to be re-incarnated as a vibrator!”
"Your owner," Jessica retorts, "could be a seventy-year old granny!"