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Friday, October 17, 2014

Sexy Wati of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke says that fat men make better lovers



[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]


The door of the karaoke room swings open and a Myanmar waiter walks in and places a plate of chicken tortilla wraps on the coffee table.

Jessica, Chow Kah, Wati and I lean forward to take a piece each, and we start to munch. Soft sentimental music is seeping from the China-made Tymphany speakers.

Wati (left pix) asks, “Hussein, why are you not eating?” Tonight, she is wearing fishnet stockings and heels, and a halter-top red dress which hugs her body, displaying her slopes and curves.

Hussein takes a drag from his Sampoerna cigarette. “I don’t want to gain more weight. My fourth wife said I’ve got a slight paunch."

“Never mind, darling, fat men make better lovers.”

“Baloney!” exclaims Jessica (pix below). She is garbed in a blue dress flattering her full breasts and tapered waist.

Wati sits up straight. “No kidding everybody. According to the International Journal of Impotence Research published in –-"

I ask with my mouth full, “When did you start reading medical journals?”

Wati smiles. “Ever since a few fatty clients started sending roses to me, I’ve been reading articles on fat guys.” She takes a sip of her Shirley Temple, drooping her eyelashes provocatively as the sweet-piquant concoction floods her mouth.


Hussein flashes a jealous look at Wati. “Obviously to find out whether there's any advantage in marrying a fat guy.”

“Which issue is the journal?” asks Chow Kah.

“Volume 20 of 2010 edition.” Wati dabs at her mouth with a tissue paper. “The article reported that researchers at Erciyes University in Kayseri, Turkey completed a yearlong study to find any correlation between body mass index and male sexual performance. They found that overweight men with beer guts lasted five minutes longer compared to skinny men. The fatsos’ performance in the study group lasted an average of 7.3 minutes.” She rises to her feet, brushes tortilla crumbs off her lap and runs her hands through her hair (pix below).

“Wow!” Chow Kah exclaims, crooking his eyebrows. “That means if he makes love 70 times a year, that would amount to more than eight hours! Phew…almost like a working day!”


“So what?” sneers Jessica. “Fatsos are notorious for having a small plonker. Theirs are probably covered with a thick layer of fat! That’s why they feel less sensation.”

She crosses her legs at the knees; the hem of her dress rides up and I can see goose bumps on her creamy thighs due to the cold air-conditioning.

Chow Kah burps slightly and brings his hand to his mouth. “No, the willy’s made of muscle and spongy tissue, no fat.” He bends to the coffee table and takes another piece of chicken tortilla wrap.

I ask, “Wati, did the article mention the reason for the longer performance.”

“Yes, according to the scientists, fat guys have more estradiol, a hormone that helps to inhibit orgasm.”

“See?” Jessica says with a sparkle in her eyes. “The reason is along the lines of what I’ve said earlier.”

“A lardo has another plus as a lover,” Wati adds. “Cuddling a skinny man is like hugging a skeleton. Embracing a fatso’s akin to hugging a teddy bear.”

“What about the con?” retorts Jessica. “Fat men are more prone to impotence than men with normal weight. This finding was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2010.”

“Ladieees, discussion on this topic is now closed,” Chow Kah says. “We sing after we finish eating.”

/end


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/end


Monday, October 13, 2014

Thai Fish Farm Restaurant – dog-friendly and disabled-friendly – serves fairly scrumptious fare



{Pixs copyright Ewe Paik Leong}

Bubble joined my family for an outing again -- this time to Thai Fish Farm Restaurant in Hulu Langat. As it also doubles as a chicken and vegetable farm, during my drive there, I had visions of him chasing squawking chickens but it didn’t happen. Anyway, at least, he saw a few live chickens from afar.


Located in a lush valley, the restaurant comprises several thatched structures standing on stilts in a pond. Once inside the restaurant, we passed the grilling section, a dessert kiosk and the kitchen. Fussy eaters are well-catered for as the laminated A3-size menu lists more than 50 items. I left the ordering to my missus and walked around to snap several pictures. At the dessert kiosk, you can buy mango sticky rice and other Thai snacks. Other retail sections sell fresh vegetables, farm chicken and seafood.


The slipper lobster was nicely presented and the butter contrasted well with the texture of the lobster meat. The pandan chicken was a bit dry and the pandan aroma was weak. Only when dipped in a sourish sauce, did its taste improve a notch. The seafood tom yam was spicy.



After our meal, I made a trip to the loo with a tinge of wariness. However, the toilets, constructed of thick aluminium walls and doors, were quite clean and paper was supplied. There’s even one designed for the disabled.

Ambience: 4/5. Food: 3.5/5



Getting there:
Thai Fish Farm is located 1 km after the now-closed Ampang Lookout Point. Travel along Jalan Ampang past Ampang Point and Ampang Waterfront. Turn right at the Satay Station traffic-light junction. Further ahead, you will pass AEON. Proceed for two or three kilometers and turn left to Jalan Taman Putra. Signboards will lead you to the restaurant. Contact Eugene Ng at 019-2606493 if necessary.

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Friday, October 10, 2014

Chow Kah asks Sifu Sabrina how to get more girlfriends!



(Pixs of models for illustration purpose only)

Sifu Sabrina (left pix) shoves a notepad and a ball pen across the table to Chow Kah “Please, give me your part chee.”

Ang Chow Kah scribbles on the note pad and returns it to Sifu Sabrina. “There you are!”

“Holy Toledo! Your birth particulars indicate that you’re a wolf, a whorehound, a skirt-chaser, a playboy, a lothario and a philanderer!” She looks up and holds Chow Kah gaze with hers for a few moments. “But that’s none of my business. I don’t judge my clients.”

“That’s being very professional,” I say, sitting beside Chow Kah.

“So, how can I help you?”

Chow Kah smiles sheepishly. “I heard Sakura Siew managed to hook a husband based on your advice. I want to have more girlfriends!”

“Simple. Just as the north-west corner is the Patriarch Corner, the south-west is the Matriarch Corner. In your bedroom, hang a painting of beautiful women in the south-west corner. A photograph will also do.” She flashes a sly smile. “In your case, the more women in the painting, the merrier! Next, activate your thou-far corner. Thou-far is Cantonese for peach-blossom. What’s your animal zodiac sign?”


“Goat.”

“For a Goat, the thou-far direction or peach-blossom direction is north. Thou-far animal is Rat. Hang a painting of a cute Rat on your north wall in your living room. Or display a rat figurine.”

*****

A month passes. My cell phone rings; the caller ID shows Chow Kah.

“Ewe, something’s wrong!” Chow Kah gasps. “I’m getting lots of emails. Last week sixteen emails; today four. But not from girls, from gays and transsexuals! But I've a painting of four nudes (pix above) hung up in my thou-far corner."

“While you’re at work, maybe your wife took down the painting?”

“By golly! You may be right! I leave the house early and come back later than my wife. Can you pick me during lunch and we go check out my home?”

“Sure.”

*****

Half an hour later, Chow and I are the living room of his condo. Chow Kah points one wall. “There’s my Rat symbol. It’s a female rat. Sexy, eh?”


I nod my head, and we enter his bedroom.

Looking around, Chow Kah exclaims, “Holy shit! Who put that photograph there!”

Hanging on one wall is a five-by-three-feet photograph of a group of hunks (pix below).


Chow Kah hollers to his Indonesian maid who comes running from the kitchen.

“”Where’s my painting of the four nude women?”

Standing in the doorway of the bedroom, the dumpy maid says, “Bapak, everyday your missus hides it under the bed after you’ve left for work. Then she hangs the photo of the five men. Before you come back, she returns the nude painting to its original spot.”

/end

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs, condemns bombing of nightclub in Sun Complex



"I am horrified at the barbaric bombing of Cherry Blossom in Sun Complex at Bukit Bintang yesterday," says an enraged Johnny Yap (left pix), owner of Hot Legs Niteclub. "Whether it was committed by a Mr. Jihadist or a Mr. Gangsta, there’s no justification for attacking innocent men and women. The perpetrators of this wicked act are savages with no testicular fortitude. To the injured victims, I offer my deepest sympathies and to the relatives of the dead, my deepest condolences. In the wake of this incident, I’m beefing up security at Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke." (Pix of model for illustration purpose only)

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Sifu Sabrina advises Sakura how to hook a husband by using feng shui elements


(Pixs of models for illustration purpose only)

My moby in my shirt pocket rings; I yank it out, press ANSWER and bring it to my ear; I lift my foot slightly off the accelerator and steer the car with one hand.

“Hello, Mr Ewe? My name’s Sakura Siew.Your friend Chow Kah gave me your number. I was hoping if you can do me a favour. Can you take me to see Sijia Sabrina, please?” The tone of her voice is low and purring.

“She prefers to be called Sifu Sabrina.” I look to my left and right to make sure there’s no traffic cop around. “I can sms her office address to you.”

“Er, actually, since you know her pretty well, I was hoping if you could wrangle –- I mean request -- a free consultation for me. You know, save me some money. Chow Kah says Sifu Sabrina is the best in KL but, unfortunately, she's also the most expensive.”

I cast a glance at the rear-view mirror. “Any friend of Chow Kah’s a friend of mine. Okay, I’ll take you to her condo, make it look like a courtesy call on my part. In that way, we can talk to her casually. What’s your problem?”

“I want to find a husband. I’m thirty-two already. I don’t want to end up as an old spinster. Maybe feng shui will help to improve my love luck.”

*********


“There’re two things you can do to attract love,” Sifu Sabrina (pix above) says, leaning against the glass door of the balcony in her condominium. “First, you should strengthen the northwest corner of your house. That corner is called the Patriarch Corner. That corner should be free of clutter and be brightly lighted. If it’s taken up by the toilet, you’ve to relocate it. Energize the northwest corner with lights and auspicious feng shui elements.”

“Such as?” Sakura (right pix below) asks.

She and I are sitting on a couch facing the balcony and I can smell jasmine from her perfume.

“A painting of a dragon and a phoenix is ideal," says Sifu Sabrina. "Dragon is yang; phoenix is yin.”

Ten minutes earlier, Sakura and I had been talking shop and joking with Sifu Sabrina without any mention of feng shui. After several cocktails and mocktails had been consumed by us, Sifu Sabrina had said she wanted to change into something more comfortable. While she had been in her bedroom, Sakura had whispered to me, “Wow! She’s more gorgeous in person than in your blog’s pixs.” When Sifu Sabrina had returned to the living room dressed in a see-through lingerie, I had floated the question of how a woman can enhance her love luck and find a husband.

Sifu Sabrina straightens up and starts to walk away from the balcony door. “Second, you should activate your peach-blossom direction.” She crosses the living room, moves to a huanghuali chiffonier and pulls out a chart from the second drawer. “Here, look at this, Miss Siew. She patters on bare feet towards Sakura. “It shows a person's peach-blossom direction and peach-blossom animal.”

“What’s peach-blossom direction?” Sakura asks.

Sifu Sabrina returns to her former spot at the balcony glass door. “Put simply, it means direction for love luck; peach-blossom animal is the animal symbol that can activate a person’s love luck.” She turns to gaze at the colourful lights below.

Sakura studies the chart carefully and hands it to me.

"Phew! My face and neck feels hot after the cocktails." Sifu Sabrina throws her hair over her head and rattles away, “As you can see from the chart, for Pig, Rabbit and Goat, peach-blossom direction is north and peach-blossom animal is Rat. For Snake, Rooster, Ox, peach-blossom direction is south, peach-blossom animal is Horse. Tiger, Horse, Dog, direction is east, animal is Rabbit. Monkey, Rat and Dragon, direction is west, Rooster is the peach-blossom animal.”


“My animal zodiac sign is Dog.”

“That means your peach-blossom direction is east and your peach-blossom animal is Rabbit. That means the east direction of your living room as well as bedroom is very important. What you should do is hang a painting of a Rabbit in that direction. Both in the bedroom and living room. If possible, light up the paintings.”

“Will do!” enthuses Sakura.

**********


Two months after our visit to Sifu Sabrina, my new-found friend, Sakura Siew, comes to my apartment. I open the door and see her -- garbed in dark pants and a tee-shirt --leaping with joy (pix above). “Yipee! Guess what? The feng shui worked! I’m getting married!” She pulls out a red envelope from her handbag.” Here’s my wedding dinner invitation.”

“Thank you.”

She dips her hand into her handbag again and fishes out a 5R-size photograph (right pix). “This is my future husband! Isn’t he handsome?”

My jaw drops. “Yes, he is. Like a Prince Charming.”


/end


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ISBN (ebook): 978-981-4423-85-4
Length: 272 pages
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/end

Bulldog English Pub in Taman Sri Hartamas welcomes dogs and serves excellent grub



(Pixs copyright Ewe Paik Leong)

Bubble (pix above) had a swell time at Bulldog English Pub sitting on a chair and nibbling bits and pieces of food from my daughter’s hand. So delicious were the tidbits that it stood on its hind legs a few times, resting its forearms on the edge of the table, begging for more.

I ate the Roast Pork which came with apple compote, roasted potatoes, carrots and green peas. The sage and onion gravy was just right in texture and flavour. The slices of roast pork were unlike the Chinese version, and when dipped in the gravy, they tasted divine. My daughter’s dish was Beef Wellington. Presented in an appetizing manner, the sirloin steak was wrapped in pastry and served with roasted potatoes, greens and Yorkshire pudding. My missus ordered only a sandwich as she knew that portions of the dishes would be large and I'd likely share my Roast Pork with her. Yup, she was right.






Bulldog English Pub & Restaurant
31 Jalan Sri Hartamas 7
Taman Sri Hartamas
50480 Kuala Lumpur
Tel: 03-6201 4484

/end