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Monday, February 20, 2017

"No photography inside Baboon House?" sneers food blogger Ah-Pit Poh. "Don't make a monkey out of me!"



[Source of pix above: sethlui.com]

“No photography allowed inside Baboon House?” sneers Ah-Pit Poh [pix below], a popular food blogger. “That’s fine with me – I’ll just give this spot a miss. There’re other blogger-friendly cafes in Malacca.”



Saturday, February 18, 2017

Tips to avoid a haunted hotel room, according to Sifu Sabrina


“Yes, Robin, how can I help you?” Sifu Sabrina (right pix) asks, sitting upright in her leather swivel chair.

“I’m starting off as a freelance travel writer,” says Robin. “Can you give me some tips on how to avoid booking into a haunted hotel? I’ll be travelling around the country.” He catches a whiff of Sabrina's perfume, and a tingle slithers to his crotch.  

Sabrina folds her arms. “Avoid colonial-era buildings converted to hotels. Any spot that has seen violent history will have spirits wandering round. For example, there are stories that apparitions of Japanese soldiers have been seen walking down the corridors in a heritage hotel in KL. When the World War II Japanese Government surrendered in 1945, many Japanese officers committed hara kiri there.”  She crosses her legs at the knees. “Also, give hotels renovated from old buildings a pass.  For instance, Malacca and Penang have several old Baba Nyonya hotels. Many of them  use the old furniture and display the century-old artefacts which belonged to people who have died long ago.  Those old stuff may still carry the negative chi of the deceased.”


Robin holds Sifu Sabrina’s gaze with widened eyes. “I’m planning a trip to a hill resort next month.”

Sifu Sabrina tosses her gaze to her office door behind Robin. “Genting Highlands?”

“No, but I’ve read several stories about certain apartments and hotels there." Robin looks away from Sabrina’s eyes and stares at her cleavage. "Rooms where gambling-related suicides and homicides have occurred are haunted. Such rooms have been sealed up [pixs below].”





“Even in other hill resorts, don’t stay in apartments and bungalows that are not occupied most of the time except during the school holidays.  Dark and lonely places attract spirits easily, what more if it is situated on the edge of a jungle high up in a mountain. Better stay in a modern hotel if you want to holiday in a hill resort.
    
“Also, check using Google map the location of the hotel you intend to stay in. Is it located near a cemetery? Just key in ‘Chinese cemetery’ or ‘tanah perkuburan Islam’ followed by the location and see whether any results show up.  I know a hotel in Jalan Tambun in Ipoh where many of its guests have encountered paranormal sightings and incidents because it faces a Chinese cemetery.” Sabrina rests one hand over her chest to cover her docolletage. 



Robin tosses his gaze to Sabrina's pink lips. “Is there anything I can do if I feel that the place I’ve booked is spooky?”

“The motto of the Boys Scouts is ‘Be Prepared.’ A frequent traveller like you should carry a Chung Kwei amulet and some sulphur powder and sandalwood with you at all times. Knock on the door of the hotel room and wait a while before you enter. Once you’re inside, open all windows and let fresh air and sunlight come in. Flush the toilet and turn on the TV or radio to fill the room with positive vibes. Burn the incense in a burner and sprinkle some sulphur over it. The sulphuric smoke will drive away all evil spirits if there're any. If you don't want to create smoke in a non-smoking room, you can burn benzoin essential oil and let the smell diffuse in the room.”

“That means I need to bring along a burner too."

"Righto." A smile tugs at Sabrina's lips, creating two dimples. 

"For simplicity, how I wish I could bring my mother-in-law with me on my travels.”

Sabrina scrunches her nose. "Oh? Why?”

“Her face’s so fierce she can scare a ghost away.”

/end 

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Chow Kah and Hussein give Valentine's Day presents to their darlings in Hot Legs Niteclub




“Chow Kah, Happy Valentine’s Day!” Jessica says. “So what have you got for me this year? I see you’ve a big brown paper bag with you.”

“Flowers!” replies Chow Kah, smiling to reveal teeth the colour of rice.

“Oh, thank you.” Jessica chomps down on a wagyu-beef  burger (pix above). “You’re a sweet man.”

Chow Kah dips his hand into the brown bag. "Ta-ta!" -- he takes out two heads of cauliflowers  -- "You can stir-fry the cauliflowers with prawns and I can come help you to eat them!”

“A romantic Valentine’s Day dinner eating cauliflowers!” I quip, noticing from the corner of my eye that Hussein and Wati are stifling chuckles.

The Gang of Four and I are lounging in the VIP Karaoke Room of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke in Bukit Bintang, KL. The air is thick with the fragrance of rose wafting from a canister of air-freshener on the coffee table.

Chow Kah replaces the two heads of cauliflowers in the big brown bag, folds the top and hands it to Jessica. Smiling, she takes the bag and puts it beside her on the velvet sofa.

“Jessica,” I say, “I can give you a recipe for stir-fried cauliflower if you want.”

Jessica puts down her wagyu-beef burger. “I also have a Valentine’s present for you, Chow Kah.” She plucks a piece of facial tissue from a box on the coffee table and wipes her hands.

A smile tugs at Chow Kah lips. “Oh? What?”

“A blowjob! I’ll do it slowly for you.”

I notice Hussein’s jaw drop and start to crack some groundnuts.

Chow Kah’s eyes gleam with eagerness. “Serious?”

“Of course, I’m serious!”

“When are we going to do it?”

“Now! Let’s not delay your pleasure!”

“No problem!” Chow Kah wipes silvery droll from the side of his mouth with his sleeve. “Men’s washroom or ladies' washroom?”

“Here, in the karaoke room!”

“Eeeeek! Obscene!” exclaims Wati, snuggling up to Hussein, and covering her eyes with one hand. Hussein’s face appears over her smooth shoulder, his eyes screwed up in delight.

“What! Here?”

“You’re not shy are you?” From her handbag, Jessica whips out a hair dryer and connects the plug to a socket on the nearest wall. Switching the hair dryer on, she blows the hot air at Chow Kah’s hair!  “Slow, slow, darling,” she says, her words trailing in a fit of giggles. After a tick, she puts the hair dyer away.  “Pull that stunt on me again next year” – she picks up a beer bottle (pix below) – “and I’ll clobber you with this beer bottle!”




“Hussein,” I ask, “what’ve you got for Wati?” I lob some nuts to the back of my throat.

Husein tosses his gaze at me. “Something to do with carat!”



  
“Whoopee!” Wati leans towards Hussein and rewards him with a kiss (pix above). “Where did you buy it from? Tiffany in Pavilion?”

“Nope.”

Jessica looks enquiringly at Hussein. “Poh Kong?”

“Nay.”

Chow Kah uncrosses his legs and sits upright. “Wah Chan Gold & Jewellery?”

“No, actually, I bought a four-pound carrot cake from Ben’s Cake Shop!” Hussein chortles. “It’s in my car.”

Wearing a disappointed expression, Wati turns away from Hussein, casts her gaze downward (pix below) and brushes her hair with one hand.




“Jesus Christ! Wati’s crying!” I jerk upright in my seat. “You’ve hurt her feelings!”

“Hussein, to make up for the cruel joke, you should take Wati shopping!” Jessica says. “And you, Chow Kah” -- she turns to face her companion beside her -- “can also get me a proper V-Day present.”

“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry.”  Hussein plucks a piece of tissue paper and dabs at Wati’s eyes. “Here, let me dry your crocodile, er, I mean, pitiful tears!”

“Good idea from you, Jessica!” I rise to my feet. “Let’s go, everybody! Pavilion’s just across the road. Let’s take a slow walk over there.” I brush bits of groundnut shells off my pants. “I want to take a browse, too.”


*****



“Hey, guys,” Jessica says, standing on a moving escalator in Pavilion (pix above).  “If you’re not sure what to get for your wife or girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, just take her shopping, you hear?” She sips her drink. “Let her buy whatever she fancies! Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!”

/end


Kuala Lumpur Undercover II will released in March, 2017

by Monsoon Books, UK




Five Reasons to Buy This Book

§  You simply want to read fantastic creative non-fiction set in
Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok, Batam and Tanjung Balai Karimun

§  You want to peep into the underbelly of these four places
that you never knew existed

§  You want to know the temptations that lead weak-willed  
men and women to go astray

§  You want to know where and how to get the best babes
at the best prices

§  You want to know the bobby traps and scams awaiting amateur
                  night-clubbers, karaoke aficionados and johns-wannabes

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

"Released serial rapist Selva Kumar Subbiah not welcome to my nightclub," asserts Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke




[Pix above from Toronto Star]


“I just read in the Toronto Star that serial rapist, fifty-six year old Selva Kumar Subbiah, will be deported back to Malaysia after having served twenty-four years in prison in Canada,” says Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Niteclub, jabbing the air with a pudgy finger (pix above).  “This Malaysian scum of society is not welcome to my nightclub!” He leans forward on his desk. “I’ve briefed all my bouncers to keep a lookout for him.  They’ll eject him if he tries to enter.”  He picks up a photograph of Selva Kumar Subbuah (top pix)  and holds it aloft. “Little girls, sweet grannies and woman of all ages, take a good look at his latest pix – remember his face and avoid him like the bubonic plague! For your own safety, stay far, far away from him! Remember, he sexually assaulted more than one hundred-and-seventy women when he was in Canada in the 1980’s.”  





[Pix from Toronto Star below: Selva when he was arrested on August, 7, 1991]



/end



Kuala Lumpur Undercover II will released in March, 2017

by Monsoon Books, UK




Five Reasons to Buy This Book


§  You simply want to read fantastic creative non-fiction set in
Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok, Batam and Tanjung Balai Karimun

§  You want to peep into the underbelly of these four places
that you never knew existed

§  You want to know the temptations that lead weak-willed  
men and women to go astray

§  You want to know where and how to get the best babes
at the best prices

§  You want to know the bobby traps and scams awaiting amateur
                  night-clubbers, karaoke aficionados and johns-wannabes

/end

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Singles can pray to Yue Lao, the Deity of Marriages, during CNY to find a love partner, advises Sifu Sabrina




Sijei Sabrina,” Maggie (left pix) says, “I’m going to turn thirty-four soon.” Her voice is laced with anxiety. 

Sabrina (pix above) harrumphs,  “Ahem, please address me as Sifu, it sounds better with my name.”

“Sifu, I read in your predictions that love luck for Pig people next year is not good.” Maggie’s sad eyes plead for help. “I'm born in the year of the Pig. Is there anything I can do? I’ve been very sociable last year but still no luck in meeting Mr. Right. He must be handsome and rich and kind and understanding.”

“Apart from displaying feng shui objects to promote love and romance chi, you can pray to Yue Lao, the Diety of Love Marriages during Chinese New Year.”

“Oh?" Maggie's piggy eyes widen. "Where can I find a temple with Yue Lao?”

“For KL, I don’t know, but  you can go to Huat Tian Keong Temple in Ipoh. It’s located at Lebuh Bercham Selatan.”

“Oh, thank you!”




/end

Safe driving tips back for Chinese New Year reunion by Debbie Ding, defensive driving instructor






“Start the journey early, so that means having enough sleep the night before,” says Debbie Ding (pix above), leaning back on the leather car seat. “Before the journey, you should send your car to a workshop mechanic for an inspection. Ask him to look for frayed belts, worn brake pads, loose wires, level of water in radiator and suchlike.  If your tyres are bald, change them immediately. Prefer travelling along the highways to trunk roads.” She opens the car door a crack and screens down the window. “Trunk roads are notorious for accidents during festive seasons.  If you are travelling with children, bring some toys, finger snacks and games to keep them occupied. Have a potty and a few plastic bags ready.

“The night before, put a few damp face towels in a plastic bag and leave them in the fridge. Take them with you for the journey. Use them to wipe your face once in a while to stay fresh and alert. Don’t drink too much water unless you don’t mind taking a leak behind a bush as rest stops beside highways will be packed with travelers.  Never, never multi-task while driving such as apply lipstick, eat, kiss or use the cellular phone.” Debbie gets out of the car and rests her butt on the front bonnet (pix below). 


"When driving, remember that there are only two correct positions on the steering wheel.  Nine-and-three and eight-and-four, corresponding to the numerals on the face of a clock. That means hands on the position of the numerals nine and three of a clock face or eight and four. Don’t put a hand on the top of the steering wheel, as the activation of the air bag during an accident will force your arm against your face. Observe speed limits and avoid road hypnotism on straight roads by occasionally glancing to the sides.  If you love to wear heels, kick them off after getting into the car and change to flats to drive. Gong Xi Fa Cai and have a safe journey home.”    






/end

Kuala Lumpur Undercover II will released in March, 2017
by Monsoon Books, UK


Five Reasons to Buy This Book

§  You simply want to read fantastic creative non-fiction set in
Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok, Batam and Tanjung Balai Karimun

§  You want to peep into the underbelly of these four places
that you never knew existed

§  You want to know the temptations that lead weak-willed  
men and women to go astray

§  You want to know where and how to get the best babes
at the best prices

§  You want to know the bobby traps and scams awaiting amateur
                  night-clubbers, karaoke aficionados and johns-wannabes

/end

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Chinese New Year greetings from Jessica and Susan









“Gong Xi Fa Cai,” says Jessica, “to Chinese readers of The Wordslinger blog.” She winks an eye. “My angpow, please!”


“I wish that readers of the Wordslinger blog start the Fire Rooster Year with a bang!” says Susan, younger sister of Sifu Sabrina. “Bang! Bang! Bang! Huat ah!"




/end