Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Love-seekers who’ll be throwing oranges and bananas on Chap Goh Meh

[Above: Painting of Chap Goh Meh by Dr. Yuen Chee Ling
Below: Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

College student Carol Chuah (pix below) curls her lips sensually and cooes, “I’m not desperate for a boyfriend as I’m still young.” A rose tint blushes her cheeks as she sweeps her eye lashes, vivacity sparkling from her eyes. “But I’ll be throwing an orange with my hotmail address on it in the hope of knowing a new handsome friend.”

Fifi Fu, (pix below), a beautician, exhaling breath like the smell of rotting fish, says, “I’ll be throwing one big box of lokam oranges with my HP number written on them.” Raising an arm to reveal scraggly armpit hair, she runs a pudgy hand through her silky crowning glory reeking with the fresh scent of shampoo. “But don’t fall in love with my face and body; instead, fall in love with my heart, spirit and character. No fat guys, please.”

“I’m born in the Tiger year,” says Sifu Sabrina (pix below), enveloped in the sweet fruity scent of ylang ylang from her perfume, “so I’m only interested to meet either a Tiger man or a Dragon man. Moreover, his part chi or birth particulars must be compatible with mine.” She blows a kiss. "Muah!"

“I’m seeking eyes that will see beauty in me when I’m old and ugly,” says Jessica (pix below), scrunching up her face to look like a hag, “arms that will comfort me” –- she hugs herself -- “when I’m sick and a heart that will love me” –- she brings a palm to the left side of her chest –- “with all my faults.”

Squawking like an old rooster, Ang Mor Sai (pix below) says, “I’ll be driving one lorry-load of plantains or pisang tanduk to throw. I’ve hired two illegal Banglas –- they’re such cheap labour! -- to write my name and email address on each and every plantain. They’ll also be helping me to toss the pisang tanduk into the sea.” Guffawing like a DOM, he winks an eye. “I hope to get several new GFs with my costly but worthwhile investment.” His plastic front denture drops out. “Oops!” His hand flies to his toothless mouth.


Saturday, February 14, 2015

Defensive driving instructor Debbie Ding gives tips for safe driving back for Chinese New Year's reunion dinner

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

"Can you give some tips for safe driving back for CNY reunion dinner?" I ask Debbie Ding (pix above), owner of Debbie School of Defensive School in Cheras, Kuala Lumpur.

"Start the journey early, so that means get enough sleep the night before," says Debbie, adjusting the left strap of her red bustier. "Before the journey, you should send your car to a workshop for an inspection. Ask the mechanic to check for frayed belts, worn brake pads, loose wires, level of water in radiator, engine oil and suchlike. If your tyres resemble a worn-out rubber mat, change them immediately. Prefer travelling along the highways to trunk roads. Trunk roads are notorious for accidents during festive seasons. If you are travelling with children, bring some toys, finger snacks and games to keep them occupied. Have a potty, baby wipes and a few plastic bags ready."

Shr rises from her chair goes to the coffee maker, pulls out a paper cup and starts to make coffee from the machine. "The night before, put a few damp face towels in a plastic bag and leave them in the fridge. Take them with you for the journey." She walks back to her desk and places the paper cup in front of me. "Use them to wipe your face once in a while to stay fresh and alert. Don’t drink too much water unless you don’t mind taking a leak behind a bush as rest stops beside highways will be packed with travellers. Never, never multi-task while driving such as eat, kiss, apply lipstick or use the cellular phone."

She returns to sit on her chair, leans back and crosses her legs at the knees. "When driving, observe speed limits and avoid road hypnotism on straight roads by occasionally glancing to the sides. Play some sentimental music to calm frazzled nerves. Women who love to wear heels should kick them off after getting into the car and change to flats to drive." Her red lips curl up in a grin. "Last but not least, have a strong rope ready so that you can tow your car to the nearest workshop if it breaks down."

I chuckle and lift up the paper cup to take a sip of the coffee.

"Gong Xi Fa Cai your readers and have a safe journey home. Happy driving!”


Friday, February 13, 2015

Red Apron Kitchen's chawan mushi and chee cheong fun ala Teluk Intan style rates 4/5

While roving in Imbi Wet Market in KL, I stumble upon Red Apron Kitchen. Teluk Intan chee cheong on its sign catches my attention so I grab a nearby table. I order its chee cheong fun ala Teluk Intan style and chawan mushi.

The chee cheong fun tastes as good as the original from Teluk Intan. "I'm from Teluk Intan," explains the stall operator, Amelia Ong (pix above), "so it's based on original recipe." The chawan mushi is as smooth as tau fu far, flavourful and crazily value-for-money. "It's KL Japanese restaurant standard but Teluk Intan price!" she adds. My last order is the oyster peanut porridge. One slurp makes me conclude that it can hold its own against the fare of more famous porridge stalls.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

A simple ritual to welcome the God of Prosperity, according to Sifu Sabrina

[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

I prop my elbows on the arms of the chair, steeple my hands and ask Sifu Sabrina, “How can I beseech the God of Prosperity for good luck in 2015?”

“Are you aware that the God of Prosperity or Cai Shen is now in Heaven?” says Sifu Sabrina, seated on her chair, her dainty fingers resting on her lap (pix above).

“What’s he doing there?” I ask.

“Gallivanting with nubile fairies!”

My eyebrows shoot up, and I chuckle like a setting hen.

“I was pulling your leg,” Sifu Sabrina says, nudging my cup of coffee towards me. “He has gone to report on the good and bad deeds of the family members. But he will be back on New Year’s Eve on February 19, 2015. From that day until the fifth lunar day of CNY, that is February, 23, you can pray to Cai Sen to ask for good luck.” She picks up her own cup of coffee and takes a silent sip.

I slurp my coffee and put the cup down. “I don’t have a Cai Sen statue at home.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she emphasizes with a shake of the head. “For 2015, Cai Sen will come in from the West. Put a table in your front porch or condo balcony facing West. Remember, the direction is important. Offer food and fruits, supplicate on your knees while holding joss sticks and utter your wishes. Then kowtow and burn gold incense paper. You can also write your name and wishes on yellow paper and burn them. To amp up the power of your requests, release a few pairs of birds. Eight will be auspicious.” She turns sideways, resting both legs on one arm of her chair. "Ah... it's more comfortable in this position."

As I look at the way she's sitting, heat runs through me so strong that it saps all moisture from my throat. “Thank you -- haruumph -- for your advice,” I croak.


Sunday, February 8, 2015

Hussein and Wati exchange Valentine’s Day presents

[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

“Hussein, Happy Valentine’s Day!” Wati (pix above) says. “So what have you for me this year? I see you’ve a big brown paper bag with you.”

“Flowers!” replies Hussein, smiling to reveal nicotine-stained teeth.

“Thank you.” She pouts her lips and blows a kiss at Hussein. “You’re a sweet man.”

Hussein dips his hand into the brown bag and takes out two heads of cauliflowers. “Ta-ta! You can stir-fry the cauliflowers with either prawns or chicken and I can come help you to eat them!”

“A romantic Valentine’s Day dinner eating cauliflowers!” I quip, chuckling.

Hussein replaces the two heads of cauliflowers in the big brown bag, folds the top and hands it to Wati. Smiling, she takes the bag and puts it beside her on the velvet sofa.

“Wati,” Chow Kah says. “I can give you a recipe for stir-fried cauliflower if you want.”

“I also have a Valentine’s present for you, darling,” Wati says to Hussein, her eyes sparkling.

Hussein rubs his hands gleefully. “Oh? What?”

“A blowjob! I’ll do it slowly for you.”

Hussein’s tongue hangs out. “Serious?”


“When are we going to do it?”

“Goodness begets goodness, darling. How about now!”

“No problem!” He wipes silvery droll from the side of his mouth with his sleeve. “Men’s washroom or ladies' washroom?”

“Here, in the karaoke room!”

“Eeeeek! Obscene!” exclaims Jessica, snuggling up to Chow Kah, and covering her eyes with one hand. Chow Kah's face appears over her smooth shoulder, his eyes screwed up in delight.

“What! Here?”

“You’re not shy are you?” From her handbag, Wati whips out a hair dryer and connects the plug to a socket on the nearest wall. She switches the hair dryer on and blows the hot air at Hussein’s hair. “Slow, slow, darling,” she says, her words trailing in a fit of giggles.


Saturday, February 7, 2015

Sifu Sabrina explains the auspicious food symbols for Chinese New Year

[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

I press Sifu Sabrina’s phone number on my cellular and when she answers the call, I say into the mike, “Hi there, how about a quickie on the auspicious food symbols for Chinese New Year?”

“Sure. First is Mandarin orange. This is a must-have for CNY, as kam in Cantonese is homonymous with ‘gold’. But never place four oranges on a plate as an offering to the deities. Four is not a good digit. Apart from the Mandarin orange, a pomelo is also an auspicious fruit. Display a few of them in the living room for as long as possible, at least fifteen days.

“Next is fish which should be served whole during the eve of CNY for the reunion dinner. While eating, don’t break off the tail or head to give it to Kitty or Sparky or for whatever reason. Leave the head and fish intact as this act symbolizes a good start and a good ending for the forthcoming year.

“Third is shrimp. In Cantonese it is homonymous with laughter. Similarly, oyster will bring in good tidings because it is homonymous with ‘good things’ in Cantonese. Green vegetables should also be part of CNY dishes to preserve good family ties because qing in Mandarin means ‘intimate’ or ‘close’. Two other popular CNY food items are hair seaweed which rhymes with ‘prosper’ and long noodles which stands for longevity.

“Finally, display lots of nian gao or sticky rice cakes around the house. Gao means high so, hopefully, they will usher in high achievements. In the olden days, aspiring Mandarins ate nian gao in the hope of passing the Imperial Examinations.”

“Thanks, Sabrina.”

“You're welcome. Don’t forget to bring an ang pow if you visit me during CNY."


“Yes, Ewe, I’m single. Amount is not important. It's the symbolism of receiving a red packet that's significant."

“What! A sex bomb, er, I mean a pretty woman like you still single? Have you been too choosy?”

“Nope, I’m born in the Tiger year. I will have happiness in marriage with only two kinds of men. Either a man born in the Tiger or Dragon year.”

“Why not for men born under other animal zodiac signs?”

“Should I marry a non-Tiger, he may suffer from bad luck in business or in his career. His health may also deteriorate. There’s a possibility that he may die early. I don’t want to be young widow. And it's also not fair to that gentleman."

“Can I play match-maker? I mean introduce a Tiger man or a Dragon man to you? I have a few friends who -- ”


Click! She ends the call.


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Chinese New Year greetings from Jessica and Mummy Lulu

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

"Wishing all Chinese readers of The Wordslinger blog a Happy and Prosperous Chinese New Year," says Jessica (pix below). "Thank you for visiting the blog. We promise more exciting stories in the year of the Goat. Gong Xi Fa Cai!"

Mummy Lulu (pix below) says:

Yáng nián dào, zhù sān yáng kāi tài, xǐqì yáng yáng.
[yang nyen daou, joo san yang keye tie, sshee-chee yang yang]
Goat year is here, I wish that three goats bring peace, greatness and joy to you."