Pages

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Mummy Lulu of Hot Legs Niteclub gives tips to cougars on how to snare a toyboy


[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

“Mummy Lulu, you’re the biggest cougar in town, so can you give some tips how to hook a toyboy?” asks Chow Kah.

Mummy Lulu squishes her eyebrows and leans forward on her desk. “Cougar?”

“A cougar is an older sexy woman who prefers a younger man.”


“Ah…thank you for the compliment,” says Mummy Lulu (right pix), flashing a set of pearly teeth. “But why you want to know?”

“So that I can advise my aunt. She told me she’s tired to dating beer-bellied, half-bald men.” Chow Kah crosses his legs and rests his arms on the armrests of his chair. “First question – where to find toyboys.”

“Before I come to that, the first point I want to emphasize is that the woman must look the part. She must look as attractive as possible for her age. That might mean that she has to go for a face-lift or dye her hair, if necessary.” She pulls out a 4R-size photo from her right side drawer. “See this? That was me a few years back. See how much younger I look now?”

Chow Kah gazes at the old photograph (right pix below) of Mummy Lulu. “Wow! What a transformation! I get your point. Keep in shape, use beauty products, get a breast-lift, go for dental implants, right?”


“Yes. Coming back to your question, there’re no cougar-dating or toyboy sites locally but nevertheless an older woman can use a general dating website to advertise who she wants to meet. She should be honest with her age and be explicit that she wants to meet younger men. I also recommend a cougar-to-be to hang in dance clubs and bars that cater to the younger set. She can go alone or with female friends. That’s the time for her to flaunt her jewellery and expensive clothes. In other words, to show her fine taste, maturity and financial stability. Definitely, she must dress to kill. But she must not expose too much flesh otherwise she might be mistaken for an old hooker! However, she should be a little flirty with her body language. You know, make eye contact with men who interest her and flash a smile. The oldest pickup line in the book ‘Can I buy you a drink’ can still make many young naïve hunks shake in their pants.”

Chow Kah feels something rubbing his leg. “Any dating tips?”


“She should control the conversation but not smother the youngster with motherly advice. She should be herself and not pretend to be young. Of course, she should foot the bill and not expect her date to go Dutch. A toyboy’s world may be small but that is an opportunity a cougar can tap into. The lecherous old woman, er, I mean, the cougar can take the toyboy to exclusive clubs, introduce him to new exciting sports and activities, or even take him on vacation in faraway lands.”

Chow Kah leans back and looks down at his feet. Holy shit! Mummy Lulu’s rubbing her bare foot against his shin! He starts to stammer, “What’re the -- the advantages of having a relationship with a younger man?”

“The cougar will feel younger and her life will be enriched, more exciting. Her sex life will be more satisfying if she’s into that. One caution about sex. Never go to the toyboy’s place for a fling. A hidden camera may be installed for future blackmail. Always use a hotel room or go to the cougar’s place.” She pushes her spectacles slipping down her nose into place with a finger and flashes a grin. "Well, handsome, my place or a motel?"

Shocked by Mummy Lulu's proposal, Chow Kah stands up suddenly, causing the chair to topple over backward. “Thank you for the tips!” He bolts from Mummy Lulu's office room like he's being chased by a tigress.

/end


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Flaming Melt’s fare is pretty decent in taste




[Pixs copyright Ewe Paik Leong]

We stumbled upon Flaming Melt while searching for food in Dataran Sunway. The moment we stepped inside Flaming Melt, the smell of cheese overwhelmed us. The seats were comfortable and the lighting was slightly dim. Tables were pretty close and I could hear what the patrons at another table were talking about. Above the counter, pictures of the different items were displayed. Though a self-service restaurant, the food was brought to us as there were only two tables at that time (2:45pm). The BBQ Pulled Chicken Melt had a sourish tinge because of one ingredient but I could not make it out, and the cheese melt did not dominate the texture. Rather, the crumbly toast shared the limelight with the cheese melt. The Tomato Sriracha Chicken Quesadilla reminded me of the roti canai chicken ham wrap I ate at Mr. Roti Canai in Putera Heights a week ago. Serious! But, Flaming Melt’s fare packed stronger flavour. The tomato soup was too spicy for me –- it had a heavy dose of pepper -- so my missus ate it. When we left, Saw Wen Xin, the café’s founder, bade “Thank you!” (Later, I saw her picture on flamingmelt.com). My evaluation: Flaming Melt is an excellent alternative to O’Briens.




Address:
17-1, Jalan PJU 5/10
Dataran Sunway, Kota Damansara
47810 Petaling Jaya
Tel: 017-472 4284

Herbal chicken pan mee at Jojo Little Kitchen tasted horrible!



[Pixs copyright Ewe Paik Leong]

I had just eaten prawn mee with pork ribs at Auntie Lora Kopitiam in Taman Segar, Cheras, and was walking back to my car when I spotted Kafe Jojo Little Kitchen. A banner outside showed pictures of herbal chicken pan mee, fried pork pan mee, century egg dumpling pan mee, knife cut noodle and traditional pan mee. Curious, I ordered the herbal chicken pan mee. Sheesh! It was horrible. The soup’s texture was thick and gooey; the taste did not refresh but near-suffocated my taste buds. Well, maybe other dishes are tasty.




/end

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Sifu Sabrina, KL’s top feng shui consultant, gives tips for attaining longevity



[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

“Sabrina, how about some tips for attaining longevity,” I say into my moby. “When can I come over?”

“We can meet at Desa Parkcity in Bandar Menjalara, tomorrow, 6 pm. I’ll be taking my dogs for a walk.”

“Which part of the park?”

“Outside the mall facing the lake.”

“That’ll be great.” I press END and replace my moby in my pocket.

*****


The next day, I find Sifu Sabrina (pix above) holding two leashes hooked to the harnesses of two white pooches. I let out a whistle. They're so cute -- both the dogs and the owner.

I walk to her, and we saunter two abreast along the concrete pathway with her mutts trailing behind.

“You want feng shui tips for longevity?”

“Yes.”


“That’s easy. Keep feng shui symbols at home or wear them on your person. A six-rod wind chime can be hung at the front door or front porch. It will repel bad chi.”

We pass a rubbish box that says “Dog Waste Disposal Bags.”

“Other auspicious symbols for longevity are statues of the crane, deer, turtle dragon and the God of Longevity. A brass calabash is also excellent for keeping bad chi away. The calabash is also known as the bottle gourd, also known as long melon. In Taoist mythology, monks always use a calabash to suck up evil spirits and imprison them. In ancient times in China, the calabash was known as the 'giver of life' as it functioned as a water container.”

I hear a loud thud and turn to see a man rubbing his forehead after crashing into a lamp post. A woman beside him hollers, “Lou-kung! Serves you right for staring at her!”

“For the garden, try to plant bamboo.” Sifu Sabrina throws a glance behind to check that her dogs are alright. “The pine also symbolizes longevity but since it grows in colder climate, it can be substituted with a painting of pine trees.”

We come to a bridge and as we cross it, Sifu Sabrina runs one hand through her long, silky hair. “These longevity symbols should be placed in the health direction of the bedroom. Remember the kua number?”

“Yes.” I take a deep breath of the cool fresh air. “Calculated based on one’s birthdate.”

“Yup, the health direction depends on a person’s kua number.”

Several paces ahead, a wooden gazebo stands on the bank of the lake. “Let’s sit down for a while,” Sifu Sabrina says. “I’ll give you the health directions for the different kua numbers.” We sit down on a wooden bench; I whip out a ball pen and a memorandum pad and pass them to her.


Sifu Sabrina crosses her legs at the knees, places the memorandum pad on one knee and starts to write. I look around. Jesus Christ! A short distance away, the man who earlier crashed into a lamp post is being held in a headlock by his wife! I can hear his wife holler, “Why're you always staring at that bitch?”

Sifu Sabrina looks up and returns my memorandum pad and ball pen. “Here you are.” She gazes at the tranquil water of the lake. “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?”

I read aloud what she has written:

“1 – East
2 – West
3 — North
4 — South
5 Male — West
5 Female — North-west
6 — North-east
7 — South-west
8 — North-west
9 — South-east.”

“That’s right.”

As I return the memorandum pad to my waist pocket, Sifu Sabrina rises to her feet. “Come, let’s take a break. My dogs are tired. Their tongues are hanging out.”

When we reach the waterfront mall, Sifu Sabrina asks, “Want to eat duck rice?”

“Love to but dogs aren’t allowed in that restaurant.”

“Never mind, just follow me.”


Outside the restaurant, Sifu Sabrina produces a pair of sunglasses from her blouse pocket, wears them and we step inside.

A waiter says. “Sorry, dogs are not allowed.”

“I’m blind,” Sifu Sabrina replies. “These are my eye-seeing dogs.”

“Oh? In that case, your eye-seeing dogs can come in.”

/end


MY LATEST NOVEL



ISBN (Paperback): 978-981-4423-84-4
ISBN (ebook): 978-981-4423-85-4
Length: 272 pages
Publisher: Monsoon Books, Singapore
Link: monsoonbooks.com.sg

Available in Malaysia and Singapore from Popular Bookstore, Kinokuniya, MPH (both store and online) and Select Books Singapore (selectbooks.com.sg).

The book is sold in Europe and Australia at the following e-retailers:
--amazon.co.uk (UK)
--amazon.fr (France)
--bol.com (The Netherlands)
--bokus.com (Germany)
--adlibris.com (Denmark)
--platekompaniet.no (Norway)
--books-express.ro (Romania)
--nejlevnejsi-khihy.cz (Czechoslovakia)
--booktopia.com.au (Australia)

ebook version will be available soon.

/end

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Niteclub, and his girls take up the Ice Bucket Challenge



Wati (above) after the Ice Bucket Challenge



Mummy Lulu (above) after the Ice Bucket Challenge



Jessica (above) after the Ice Bucket Challenge


Johnny Yap (above) taking the Ice Bucket Challenge



Cathy (above) after the Ice Bucket Challenge


Mak Nyah Melody (above) after the Ice Bucket Challenge


[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

/end

Jessica and Wati of Hot Legs Niteclub discuss the benefits of wearing boxers compared to briefs



[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

The “Gang of Four” of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke and yours truly are sitting outside a steamboat restaurant in Jalan Alor. The steam from the hot pot in the centre of the aluminum table smells tantalizing.

“Hussein, what size boxers do you wear?” asks Wati (pix above), pouring more Bir Bintang into his mug.

I see Chow Kah and Jessica, both seated across me, busy chewing their cuttlefish and water spinach.

Hussein takes a deep swallow from his mug and says, “Eh? How do you know I wear boxers?”

Wati retrieves her stick of prawns from the hot pot and lays it on the plate in front of her. “You tried that king pigeon pose, remember? Your pants ripped at the crotch and your red polka dot boxers got exposed.”

“Yeah, I remember now. My boxers size is L.” Hussein dips a stick of cockles into the hot pot. “Why you want to know?”

“Your birthday’s coming, rite? I want to buy you two pairs of boxers: birthday presents.”

Hussein picks a skewer of fish balls and starts to eat them. “Thank you, darling.”

Jessicca (pix below) gently nudges Chow with her elbow. “Hey, Chow Kah, what about you? You wear briefs or boxers”


“Boxers!” Chow Kah says with is mouth full, sitting up straight. “I want to maintain my sperm count.”

“That’s nonsense,” Jessica retorts. “Wearing briefs does not diminish your sperm supply.” She glances from Chow Kah to everyone at the table. “Listen, everybody. In 1993, Cairo University conducted a research using three groups of dogs. The first group did not wear underwear, the second group wore cotton underwear, the third wore polyester underwear. After 24 months, the sperm count of all three groups were determined. There was no significant change in sperm count for the dogs clad in cotton underwear. However, the polyester underwear dogs showed a significant decrease in sperm count. So, the fabric was the culprit for reasons unknown.” She peers into the hot pot. “I wonder if my tofu is cooked.”

“No kidding, Jess?” I ask.

Jessica looks up from the hot pot. “Yes, check out Urological Research, September 1993 issue. Wait, there’s more, the experiment was continued for another 12 months. The polyester underwear were removed from the dogs. Guess what? Their sperm levels returned to normal.”

I look from Jessica to Wati. “Which is sexier? Briefs or boxers?”

“Definitely briefs,” Wati says. “A man who wears boxers can’t wear well-cut pants. Boxers don’t conceal well. A crumpled boxers can be seen beneath the fabric of the pants.”

“Briefs don’t come in white alone these days,” Jessica adds. “Many imported brands come in snazzy designs.”

Chow Kah puts down an empty skewer in front of him. “Can you name a few brands?” He lifts his mug of Asahi beer to his mouth and takes a sip.

Jessica smiles. “Hugo Boss!”


Wati snaps her fingers. “Clever Moda!”

Jessica lifts a stick of chicken meat and puts it on Chow Kah’s plate. “John Gallinao!”

“Sheesh!” exclaims Chow Kah. “Those are expensive brands.”

“Yes, A pair of John Gallinao briefs cost from one hundred and fifty onward.You can buy them online.”

“Girls, any other advantages of wearing briefs?” I ask.

“Yes, a man wearing boxers can’t ride a scrambler or a mountain bike over a dirt track. The two amigos are at risk of injury.”

Hussein raises his eyebrows. “Two amigos?”

“Testicles,” Jessica says, giggling.

“That's scary!" exclaims Chow Kah. "Hussein, let’s go shop for briefs afterwards!”

/end

MY LATEST NOVEL





ISBN (Paperback): 978-981-4423-84-4
ISBN (ebook): 978-981-4423-85-4
Length: 272 pages
Publisher: Monsoon Books, Singapore
Link: monsoonbooks.com.sg

Available in Malaysia and Singapore from Popular Bookstore, Kinokuniya, MPH (both store and online) and Select Books Singapore (selectbooks.com.sg).

The book is sold in Europe and Australia at the following e-retailers:
--amazon.co.uk (UK)
--amazon.fr (France)
--bol.com (The Netherlands)
--bokus.com (Germany)
--adlibris.com (Denmark)
--platekompaniet.no (Norway)
--books-express.ro (Romania)
--nejlevnejsi-khihy.cz (Czechoslovakia)
--booktopia.com.au (Australia)

ebook version will be available soon

/end