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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Sifu Sabrina explains why Sakura Siew is attracting male admirers



[Pixs of models for illustration only]

Sifu Sabrina’s office door swings open. A sixty-something man (right pix below) enters and sits down in the visitor’s chair across her.  

Sabrina (pix above) looks up from her desk. “How can I help you?” She is wearing a strapless top which makes her able to stop traffic in Bukit Bintang.

“I’m Elvis, Sakura Siew’s husband.” He crosses his legs at the ankles. “Sakura’s attracting lots of male admirers. What’s the cause?”

“Yes, I know Sakura, haven’t seen her for a long time, though. Has she slimmed down?”

“Nope. Still the same.” Elvis jabs a button on his mobile and shows the screen to Sabrina. “This is her latest pix, taken in our bedroom.”


“Any painting of threesomes in your bedroom? Like, three ducks, three swans?”

“Nope.”

“Any mirror facing the bed?”

“Yes, her dressing mirror faces our bed.”

“That must the cause of men being attracted to her.” Sabrina pulls open a drawer.  “Get rid of the mirror, and things will work out fine.” She takes out an apple.

“A mirror’s so powerful?”

Sabrina pulls out a piece of tissue from a box on the table. “Yes, be careful why you place the mirror in your home.” She wipes the apple with the tissue.

“Any tips about mirror placement?"




“Generally, mirrors should be used to reflect anything good and nice.” She bites on the apple (pix above). “Sorry, I skipped lunch and I’m hungry.” A pause. “Bad and ugly things should not be reflected by a mirror. For instance, use a mirror to reflect a cash register to double the money coming in and at the dining table to multiply the quantity of food.  A scenic mountain view or beautiful lakeside view can also be reflected to double its beauty so that positive chi can be multiplied.” She takes another bite on the apple. “If a mirror reflects drains, toilets, or a slum, remove it immediately. Also, never use a mirror that has cracks. Looking at the distorted image generates negative chi.” She plucks a piece of tissue and wipes her hands. “When you’ve got rid of Sakura’s admirers, buy her lots of apples to eat.”


“Why?”

“Apples make a woman horny. It’s a scientific fact.” Her lips upturn in a smile. “Then you can enjoy lots of sex with Sakura.”

“Horny?” Elvis’ eyes caress Sabrina from her face to her decolletage. “Er, why are you eating apples?” His eyes twinkle with insidious lechery.

“For health purposes, you idiot! There are other benefits of eating apples! I know what’s on your dirty mind!” She bolts to her feet. “This consultation’s over!”




/end

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Nightclubber Hussein joins a fitness centre



[Pixs of models for illustration only]

Wati (pix above) places her hands on the seat of the settee. “Where’s Hussein? He’s very late.” She leans sideways to look out the glass section of the door, as if hoping to catch sight of him.

I cast my glance at her. “He’s not coming. Tonight, he has zumba classes at his fitness centre.” I crack a groundnut and lop the seeds into my mouth.

Seated next to Chow Kah, Jessica (pix below) sips her sangria. “What’s zumba?” She’s garbed in a casual top and fuchsia shorts.

Chow Kah looks up from his iPhone. “It’s a dance workout performed to energetic music.”



Jessica, Wati, Chow Kah and yours truly are watching music performances in the VVIP Karaoke Room of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke in Bukit Bintang, KL.

Wati leans back on the settee. “Where’s his fitness centre?”

“Seri Hartamas.” I flick my gaze from the TV monitor to her. “He just joined last week.”

After More Than Friends by Tiger Huang ends, the door of the karaoke room swings open and enters Hussein, following by a gush of warm smokey air from the hall outside.

He wriggles his fingers. “Hi, everybody!”

My eyebrows rise in surprise. “Eh?  Aren’t you supposed to be exercising?”

“Good to see you, darling!” Wati rises to her feet. “So, you left your fitness centre early?” She swallows Hussein in a tight bear hug.

Hussein’s face appears over Wati’s shoulder with a scowl. “I resigned! On the spot!”

Chow Kah replaces his iPhone in his shirt pocket. “Oh, why?”

Hussein plops down on the settee and takes out his mobile phone. “See this? This is the photo in their e-brochure they sent to me. It’s supposed to be the centre’s team of fitness instructors (pix below).”


Wati playfully slaps Hussein’s shoulder. “So! The sexy instructors lured you to join?”

“Sort of!” Hussein wraps an arm around Wati’s slender waist and plants a kiss on her cheek. “This evening when I was there for the first time, I met the real instructors.” He taps a button on his mobile. “Look at this photo! I snapped it with my phone. These are the real instructors! (pix below)” He shakes his head. “I've lost all my motivation to lose weight!”


“Holy cow!” Chow Kah takes out his own mobile from his pants pocket. “I better cancel my membership of the Yamaguchi Aikido Club! It's run by a Japanese lady. Hope I can get a refund.”

I sit upright. “Why?”

While Jessica covers her mouth to snigger, Chow Kah taps his iPhone and shows the screen to everyone. “This is the photo in their sales brochure (pix below). I’ve a feeling that pretty girl’s not the instructor.”


Jessica slaps her knees. “I’ve seen the instructor before.” She stifles a giggle. “You’re right! The sifu is not that lady in your photo.” She pulls out her handphone tucked in her cleavage and jabs a button. “I've the real photo of the sifu. Last week, I took my grandpa to Yamaguchi for a trial lesson and took this photo of her. This is the  sifu! (pix below)."


Chow Kah throws his hands up in exasperation. “I should have known!”

Hussein slaps the arm of the settee with a palm. “People who put out fraudulent advertisements should be thrown in jail!”

/end

Monday, May 2, 2016

The Gang of Four discuss about vibrators!




[Pixs of models for illustration only]

His face beaming with amusement, Chow Ask asks, “Why is a vibrator like a piece of tofu?”

“Eh?” I scratch my head. “No idea.” I see blank looks on the faces of Jessica, Wati and Hussein across the table.   

“Because they’re meat substitutes!”

The Gang of Four (Chow Kah & Jessica; Hussein & Wati) and I are having supper at Jalan Alor after a drinking binge at Hot Legs Karaoke & Niteclub. An unending stream of pedestrians are walking past our table, and vehicles are crawling like rats without legs on the drag. 

Hussein tosses his gaze at Wati (pix above). “When’s your birthday, darling?”

Wati purses her lip in a tease. “Why?”

“I’ll buy a vibrator as a birthday present for you.”

“Thanks but no thanks!" Wati  looks at Hussein in the eye. "If you give me one, I’ll use it on your asshole!”

Jessica (pix below) casts her gaze at Chow Kah.  “Hey, why’s everybody talking about vibrators?’


Chow Kah picks up a  roasted chestnut. "Haven't you heard the latest about vibrators?" He cracks the chestnut and pops its seed into his mouth. 

Jessica runs a hand through her tresses. “What about?" She spears a squid ring and starts to chew on it.

“Watson Malaysia is now selling vibrators.” Chow Kah raises four fingers. “There’re four models to choose from, and they also sell lubricants!”

“Eeeeek!” Jessica scrunches her face and puts her fork down. “That's disgusting! What kind of women will buy vibrators?” She takes a sip of her water melon juice. 

Wati flashes a sly grin. “Old over-sexed makcik! You know, old widows or divorcees. Also married women with husbands who are impotent or have small dicks! Sexually liberated women may also buy them to -- to" she lets out a little-girl giggle -- "to fuck themselves!"

Hussein wags a finger. “It’s not fair! If  women can buy vibrators, men should have access to sex dolls! But sale of sex dolls in Malaysia is banned.”

“Amitofu! I'm sorry to interrupt.” I turn to see a monk clad in a saffron robe standing near our table. A pair of shades hides his eyes (pix below).   


“My name’s Reverend Somsak from Wat Phra Singrai in Setapak, KL.” He whips off his sunglasses. “I was sipping beer, er -- plain water at the next table when I overheard your animated discussion about vibrators. So, allow me to give my two cents' worth.” His eyes bulge as he stares at Wati’s big bosom (pix below). “A woman’s valley of love should only be penetrated by her husband’s jade shaft. Penetration by anything else constitutes sexual misconduct.” He shifts his gaze to Jessica. “Using a vibrator tantamounts to adultery. And that’s against Buddhist precepts.” Eyes focused on Jessica, he pauses and licks his lips. “By the way, any of you want to donate to my temple?”


I fumble into my wallet, take out some money notes and stretch out my hand.

Reverend Somsak folds his arms across his chest. “Please, I cannot touch money! That's against Monastic Codes." He gestures to a bag hanging from his shoulder. “So, please drop your money into my bag.”

Rising from our chairs, Chow Kah and I step forward and slip our donations into the cloth bag hanging from the monk's shoulder.  
    
“Thank you! I’m planning to install a gold statue of Lord Buddha in my temple. That'll earn me a tremendous amount of good merits." Reverend Somsak displays a row of crooked teeth in a lecherous grin (right pix). "With those accumulated merits, I hope Lord Buddha will grant my wish to be re-incarnated as a vibrator!”
  
"Your owner," Jessica retorts, "could be a seventy-year old granny!"

/end

Thursday, April 7, 2016

PR consultant Paulina Phuar advises job-seeker Jeff how to jazz up his resume




“Jeff, what’s your problem?” Paulina Phuar (pix above), KL’s top PR consultant, looks at him over the rim of her glasses.  Seated across her desk is Jeff Koh, wearing a t-shirt and an ear-ring.  

“I graduated last year but I’m still jobless.” He opens a file and pulls out a sheet of paper. “Here’s my resume. Can you help me to improve on it?” He puts the paper in front of Paulina.

“Sure.” Paulina looks down at Jeff’s resume for a moment and flicks her gaze at him. “I notice you’re tall so for a start, you can add that you’ve good leadership qualities.”

Jeff scribbles down what Paulina says in a spiral-bound notebook.

“What about your social life? Any church activities? Any voluntary work? Any girlfriend?

“Nope, no girlfriend.” Jeff shakes his head. “I cannot even get a bearded lady for a date, so I only go drinking with male friends. Every weekend I’m out till the wee hours. We can get pretty rowdy in a pub. You know, crack dirty jokes, play darts.”

“You’re too ugly to get a girlfriend, eh?” A crimp wrinkles Paulina’s nose as she ponders for a moment. “But we can twist that into an asset. Say you give work top priority and relegate social life to the backseat. Also add that you can stay back long hours even after midnight if necessary to meet tight deadlines.” She fingers the side of her face and grins (right pix). "Who's to know if you're swilling beer late at night in the office?" 

Jeff’s mobile phone beeps and he dips his hand into his trouser pocket to take it out. “Excuse me.” He reads the sms on his moby and jabs a few buttons to reply.

Paulina snaps her fingers. “Why, of course! You can also include that you’ve excellent written communications skills.” She flicks a downward gaze. "I don't see that in your resume."

Jeff writes down Paulina’s advice.
  
“Just now you mentioned cracking dirty jokes, right?” Paulina purses her lips. “Add that you've a healthy sense of humour that helps build rapport with co-workers.” She leans back in her leather swivel chair which creaks. “Which in turn builds teamwork." She steeples her hands. "So, Jeff, I wish you the best of luck in your job hunt with your improved resume.”

 /end

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Jessica and Wati discuss whether beards are attractive to women




Hussein saunters from the entrance of Healy Mac Irish Bar & Restaurant to the table inside where I am seated with Jessica, Wati and Chow Kah. He is donned in a brown short-sleeved shirt and rust-coloured khaki pants.    

“Holy cow!” Wati (pix above) exclaims, flicking her gaze from the plates of finger food on the table to Hussein’s face. “Why’re you wearing a beard?”

Hussein plops into a chair beside Wati. “Busy! Too busy to shave!” He takes a squid ring from a plate and pops it into his mouth.

Chow Kah raises a brow. “My goodness, a beard makes a man looks like he’s homeless!”

“Not exactly right.” Jessica crosses her legs, causing all male eyes in the restaurant to bulge as her garter belts are exposed in the slit of her dress. “Stubble makes a man appear sexy!”

“Oh really?” Hussein smirks. “Proof?” He nudges Wati and takes a sip of Sangria through a straw from her glass.



Jessica (pix above) tucks curls of stray hair behind her ears. “Researchers at the University of New South Wales did a study on whether beards are attractive to women." She props an elbow on the table. "A group of women were shown photographs of men who were clean-shaven, lightly or heavily stubbled and fully bearded. They were asked to rate how attractive they find the different types of beard. Faces with heavy stubble were rated as most attractive and heavy beards, light stubble and clean-shaven faces were less attractive. The results were published in Evolution and Human Behavior in May 2013 issue.”

“No wonder!” Hussein jerks upright, his eyes sparkling like black opals.

“No wonder what?” Wati spears a spring roll and bites off a piece.

“Just now, a pretty woman blew a kiss at me! She must have found my stubbled face sexy!”




“What woman?” Wati jerks a thumb to her left. “That Mat Salleh woman over there? The one holding a beer bottle? (pix below)” Her face is flushed with jealousy.  




Chow Kah hikes his chin and sneers. “Bearded men  make look sexy but they won’t go to heaven.”

“Why you say that?” I run a finger down the glass of my mango margarita for want of something to do.

A smile twists on Chow Kah's lips. “I’ve never seen any pictures of angels with beards before!”

“Actually, bearded men look lecherous!" Jessica's lips curl in disgust. "They’re also lecherous!”

I flick my gaze at Jessica. “Why you say that?”

"A bad experience." A wrinkle crimps her nose.  “Last week, I was in a dance club in Mont Kiara. It was almost 3 am, and I just came out of the toilet.” A pause as she looks round the table. “I walked up to a bearded bouncer and asked to see the manager. Eyes filled with lust, he lifted my hands to his beard and asked why. I said I’ve a message for the manager. The bearded man started to kiss my hands, then he sucked my fingers. All in full view of the other patrons. What message, he asked. I said that in the ladies toilet, there’s no toilet paper and no liquid soap.”  



Wati (pix above) releases a little-girl giggle, rolls her eyes upward and slaps her thighs. “Actually, there’re contradicting survey results with beards. In collaboration with Tinder, Gillette conducted a new survey to find out whether bearded guys are preferred by women. The results are interesting.”

“What’s Tinder?” I ask.

“An online dating App.”

“You can read the results on shavetest dot com.” Wati casts a side glance at Hussein.  “Generally, girls preferred well-groomed men to scruffy men, according to the survey.”

Hussein rises to his feet, his happy expression fizzling faster than foam on  Chow Kah's mug of Grolsch. “Excuse me, I need to go to the gents for a quick shave.” He looks out the wide entrance.  “I think there’s a 7-Eleven across the road that sells disposable razors!”

/end

WTF! Menu snatched away from my hands at Daorae Korean BBQ!









I am currently writing on bibimbap for New Straits Times. Last Saturday (26 March), I went to Daorae Korean BBQ in Kepong to try their bibimbap. After placing my order, I placed the menu on my lap and took a few shots with my camera.  As I was flipping the pages, a shit-eating and cock-sucking Korean man [I normally don't use expletives in my writing but I'll make a very rare exception this time] with pepper hair stepped up from behind and snatched away the menu!  He didn't even bother to ask why I was taking photos!  Mr. Knucklehead, you think I want to feature your restaurant in New Straits Times after your display of sheer rudeness?




Address:

Lot 17-1-2, Jalan Metro Perdana 7
Taman Usahawan, Kepong
Kuala Lumpur

/end