Saturday, November 18, 2017

Botox can treat ED, says Wati

“Where’s Jessica?” I ask Chow Kah, leaning back on the settee.

Cathy (pix below), seated beside Chow Kah,  tosses her gaze at me. “Gone on leave for a few days. She took Botox treatment and the cosmetic doctor advised her to avoid alcohol for at least three days.” Turning her head sideways, she half-whispers to Chow Kah: “Darling, come, let’s sing a duet, a love song.”

My buddies and I arrived at Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke late and, earlier,  Chow Kah did not book any GRO with Mummy Lulu. As a result, he ended up with Cathy, the only girl unbooked.  

Chow Kah makes a face. “Jessica's a silly girl, she doesn’t need Botox!”

Wati (pix below), wearing a bustier, squirms on her seat. “You men can take Botox injections soon for ED. It's injected into the man-part."

Chow Kah jerks upright in his seat. “Where did you learn of this?”

“Journal of Sexual Medicine, this year’s issue, February,  if I’ve not mistaken – I read it online.” Wati leans towards the coffee table, grabs a bottle of Bir Bintang by the neck and fills up Hussein’s mug.” For men who can’t consume Viagra because of heart problems or diabetes, this is a God-send.”

The door of the karaoke room swings open and Mummy Lulu sashays in. “What’s this I hear about Botox treating erectile dysfunction? Any scientific proof?”

“Yes, according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Dr. Gerald Brock, a Canadian urologist of St. Joseph Hospital and Dr. Sidney Radomski -- he's a professor of surgery at Toronto Western Hospital -- have developed a botox injection that can cure ED.”  She flits her gaze to Mummy Lulu. “One injection can last six months.”

“Only one for six months?” Mummy Lulu raises her forefinger. “That’s worth it!”

Eyes gleaming with excitement, Hussein whips out his mobile phone. “I must call my travel agent, ask him to book an air ticket and a hotel room in Toronto. He can get the best rates for me. Toronto Western Hospital here I come!" He starts to jab a few buttons on his handphone

Mummy Lulu shifts her gaze to Hussein. “Can you ask your agent to book two air tickets and two hotel rooms.”  She raises two fingers (pix  below). “You don’t mind a travelling companion to Toronto, do you?”

“Who’s he, Mummy? You’re sending your husband  (pix below) with me for the botox injection?”

“Nay, my toyboy (pix below)! He's good in performance but there's still room for improvement.”


Friday, November 10, 2017

How to prepare for Tai Sui, Three-Killing Star and Five-Yellow Star in 2018, according to Sifu Sabrina

I push open the door inward and step into Sifu Sabrina’s office, tucked in an auspicious corner in Low Yat Plaza in Bukit Bintang, KL.  A moment ago, I jabbed the door bell and a voice laced with honey gushed from the wall intercom: "Please come on in."

Sabrina looks up from a sheaf of papers lying in front of her on the desk (pix below).  

I pull out the visitor’s chair at her desk and plunk my butt on it.

“My gawd, you’ve haven’t come here for months! But I’ve been near to your thoughts.”

“Oh? How?” I catch a whiff of perfume.

Sabrina sits upright and places a finger to her lips (pix below).

I scratch my head. “Silence? Er, what do you mean?”

“Your book! I’ve been reading your book Kuala Lumpur Undercover II.”  She crosses her legs and fuses her gaze with mine. “That’s what I mean.” Her eyelashes flutter. “Why do the front covers of the Undercover series always depict a girl with a finger to her lips?”

I shrug my shoulders. “Hope you enjoyed it.” I flick my gaze away from her eyes.  

Sabrina rests her elbows on her desk. “So, what advice you want to put on your blog this time?”

“To start with, which animals clash with Tai Sui in 2018?”

“Grand Duke Jupiter for 2018 is Jiang Wu who resides in the North-West 1 direction. Dragon, Dog, Sheep and Ox offend him.”

“Precautions to take?”

Sabrina creases her brows.  “Come on, check your blog postings. I told you those two years ago.”

“Yes, no renovation in that sector, put pi yao facing Tai Sui, blah, blah, blah. But what about the Three-Killing Star?”

“Oh! You know about the Three-Killing Star. In 2018, it resides in the North and affects Pig, Rat and Ox. Again, no renovation in that direction for those affected animal signs. The bad things that can happen if you disturb that sector are different from that of Tai Sui.  They include betrayal, getting stabbed in the back and lawsuits. For example, a husband may get cuckolded!” She releases a little-girl giggle. “I’m serious! Or a businessman may be cheated by his business partner. Or a girl may discover that her best friend has stolen her boyfriend.” She pauses and chews on her little finger in thought (pix below). “The last time did I mention about sitting with one’s back facing Tai Sui?”

I give my head a gentle shake. “I don’t recall.”

Sabrina rises to her feet, patters to a corner and turns in a certain direction (pix below). “To handle Tai Sui, sit with your back facing him.  If a business competitor challenges you, he will be confronting Tai Sui.  So, you are using the negative chi of Tai Sui to fight your competitor.” Her hips sway as she moves to another spot in the room. “On the other hand, sit facing the Three-Killing Star. Another remedy is to put a pair of chi lin  in the affected sector. It should be placed in the living room, dining room or kitchen."

“What’s that?”

“This animal has a dragon’s head on a horse’s body and is covered with scales.”  Sabrina takes dainty steps back to her chair, leans back and runs her hand through her hair (pix below). “Finally, there’s the Five-Yellow Star which affects the Rat. Again, it is in the north and can cause accidents that are life-threatening.  You can use the Five-Elements Pagoda to reduce the effects of this evil chi which comes from Heaven. So, be very careful of the North direction in 2018.” She pulls open a drawer and takes out a pair of chi lin (bottom pix). “Want to buy these from me? Consider it a token of appreciation for my free advice.”



Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Satire: Japanese hunk disqualifed from chess tournament

[All pixs of models for illustration  only]

Japan's youngest chess master, Sakamoto (pix above), has been disqualified from the first round of the Pan-Malaysian Chess Club 2017 International Open Championship.  Chief judge Romeo Li (pix below), a closet homosexual, clutched at his groin and explained, "That handsome Sakamoto gave me an erection as two buttons of his shirt were undone. I also noticed he had a big bulge in his crotch. Under the rules of the tournament on non-tempting personal appearance, I have no choice but to disqualify him."


Sunday, April 30, 2017

Wanna trade online?

Advertising claim: “I spend 30 minutes a day to trade online and earn RM5,000                                                  every month! Let me show you how!"

                            Reality:  “WTF! I’ve been duped into trading online! 
                                                         Now I’m broke!”


Saturday, April 29, 2017

Mor Sai meets a punk in Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke

Ang Mor Sai (pix  above), Chow Kah's father, steps into Hot Legs Niteclub, saunters to the bar and climbs atop a stool.  "Hey, Suzanna," he cries to the barmaid (pix below), "get me a Siam Mary!"

"Okay, sir." She mixes a Siam Mary and hands it to him.

As Mor Sai is sipping his Thai-inspired cocktail, a punk goes to sit beside him.

"Beer, please," says the punk, who's sporting mohawk hairdo dyed in a kaleidoscope of colours (right pix).

Mor Sai puts down his glass and looks at the punk. He picks up his drink again, takes a sip and tosses his gaze at the punk again.

The punk swivels on his stool to face Mor Sai. "Hey, you bloody old man! What are you staring at? I bet when you were young, you were also wild and did crazy things, right?"

Mor Sai puts down his glass and licks his lips. "Yup, I was wild, too. I wore bell bottoms, had shoulder-length hair and smoked pot. One occasion, while I was high, I had sex with a parrot. I was looking at you because I was wondering if you're my illegitimate son."


Monday, April 24, 2017

"Six-flavour porridge at Shanghai Porridge in Selayang is delicious," says Jessica

My cell phone rings and the image of Jessica (pix above) appears on the caller ID.

"Evening, Ewe, can we talk over the webcam?" The tone of her voice is sticky-sweet.

"Sure. Why?"

"I know a delicious porridge stall that you should share with your readers."

"That's interesting. I'll get to my computer in a minute's time."


I click on my computer's webcam icon, lean back in my chair and Jessica appears on the screen. "Hi, how did you know about this porridge restaurant?"

"That night when Hussein took Wati for dinner, I was with Chow Kah. He took me to this porridge stall and orderd six-flavour porridge, the stall's signature dish." Jessica forms the numeral six with her thumb and pinkie (pix below).

"I thought he's under curfew every night?"

"That night, his wife went dancing (pix below), said she'll only be back the next morning as she didn't want to drink and drive."

"What's the name of the place?"

"It's called Shanghai Porridge, actually a stall in a hawker centre in Selayang's Intan Baiduri.  It offers many types of porridge but the best is its six-flavour porridge." She picks up her cell phone. "I'll email the pixs which  I took to you now." She touches the screen of her cell phone. "Done! There's also old Shanghai music from a portable CD player at the stall. The music was relaxing."

I look away from my cell phone to the computer screen.  "Anything, er, naughty happened after your supper?"

"That wolf Chow Kah asked whether he could come up to my condo. He flirted with an indecent proposal." A shade of rose dusts her cheek in embarrassment. "Asked me 'can you teach me a new position my wife doesn't know? ' "

"Sweet thunderation!" My eyes jolt open wider. "What was your reply?"

Her lips slope into a dry smile. "I told him, 'Dear, you can stand by my ironing board while I lie on the couch to drink beer and watch English Premier League matches on TV. ' "

A chuckle rolls from my lips. "Full address of the stall, please?"

"Tapak Intan Baiduri, Jalan Intan Baiduri, Selayang. Hand phone number of Simon Chai, the boss, is 016-2882010." She forms the numeral six again with her thumb and pinkie (pix below). "Don't forget -- the six-flavour porridge is a die-die must eat!" Her smile works its way into a grin. "Good-night!"


I log off.


Kuala Lumpur Undercover II now sold at
major online book stores and brick-and-mortar retailers


Sunday, April 23, 2017

Students should pray to Confucius for academic success, advises Sifu Sabrina

I reach the door of Sifu Sabrina's office in Low Yat Plaza, knock three times on the solid nyatoh and swing it open inward.  Cool air from the air-conditioner feathers my face as I step inside.

With one stockinged leg resting on her desk, Sifu Sabrina (pix above) flicks her gaze from the feng shui book she is reading to me. "Ah! Ewe! I've seen neither hide nor hair of you for quite a while." Her meticulously drawn brows lift in question. "Been busy?" She puts the feng shui book away and lowers her shapely leg down to the floor. "Come, take a seat."

Her husky voice heats my skin, and a smile curves my lips. "I've been preoccupied with travel writing." I plonk my butt in the visitor's chair at her desk. "Any tips for readers of my blog?" The scent from her perfume arouses my senses. "I haven't posted anything about you for some time."

Sifu Sabrina gives a slow sweep of her eye lashes. "My tip for today, exclusively for your blog, is to advise students, especially those taking important examinations, to pray to Confucius. They can also crawl in a figure of eight under the sage's altar for good luck and intelligence."

"Oh? But where to find a statue of Confucius?"

"Go to Seen Hock Yeen Temple in Chemor, north of Ipoh." She pulls open a drawer, takes out a note book and flips to a certain page. "It's a beautiful temple with ponds and sculptures (pixs below). Address is Railway Station Road, Kampung Cik Zainal, Chemor. I was there last week to pray to Yue Lao, the Deity of Marriages (bottom pix) -- some call him the Deity of Romance."

"Why did you pray to Yue Lao?"

"What else?" She draws in a deep breath and her cheeks burnish slightly.  "To find my Mr. Right."

"What! A sex bomb, er, I mean, a charming woman like you having difficulty in finding a life partner?" I scratch my head. "If I recall correctly, you've gone to Huat Tian Kong Temple to pray to Yue Lao, isn't it?"

"No harm in praying a second time." Her gaze holds mine for a second, tugging a frail sigh from her lips. "I'm born in the year of the Tiger, that's the issue. I've had a few boyfriends but things did not work out." She crosses her legs and leans forward in her chair. "The last boyfriend I had was a man-about-town, lively and sophisticated but... I guess I turned him into a mouse-about-town!" A wry smile hovers on her lips and she chews on her forefinger (pix below). "Naughty me!"

"Oh? How?"

"Women born under the Tiger sign are dominating, independent and are alpha females. A weak man cannot handle me. Only a Dragon or another Tiger will be compatible with me. There's more. According to some silly superstition, a man under born under the signs of Rat, Ox, Goat, Chicken and Pig will have a short life if married to a Tiger wife because she will eat him up!"

"What about an earlier boyfriend? His name's Zachary, if I recall correctly." My brows crimp in curiosity. "Why didn't things work out?"

"He's the worst of the lot." A scowl invades Sabrina's face. "One day, when I told him that I'm a Tigress in terms of the zodiac animals, he fainted from fright!"

My jaw slacks open.