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Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Satire: Japanese hunk disqualifed from chess tournament



[All pixs of models for illustration  only]


Japan's youngest chess master, Sakamoto (pix above), has been disqualified from the first round of the Pan-Malaysian Chess Club 2017 International Open Championship.  Chief judge Romeo Li (pix below), a closet homosexual, clutched at his groin and explained, "That handsome Sakamoto gave me an erection as two buttons of his shirt were undone. I also noticed he had a big bulge in his crotch. Under the rules of the tournament on non-tempting personal appearance, I have no choice but to disqualify him."



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Sunday, April 30, 2017

Wanna trade online?

      
Advertising claim: “I spend 30 minutes a day to trade online and earn RM5,000                                                  every month! Let me show you how!"




                            Reality:  “WTF! I’ve been duped into trading online! 
                                                         Now I’m broke!”


/end

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Mor Sai meets a punk in Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke



Ang Mor Sai (pix  above), Chow Kah's father, steps into Hot Legs Niteclub, saunters to the bar and climbs atop a stool.  "Hey, Suzanna," he cries to the barmaid (pix below), "get me a Siam Mary!"



"Okay, sir." She mixes a Siam Mary and hands it to him.

As Mor Sai is sipping his Thai-inspired cocktail, a punk goes to sit beside him.

"Beer, please," says the punk, who's sporting mohawk hairdo dyed in a kaleidoscope of colours (right pix).

Mor Sai puts down his glass and looks at the punk. He picks up his drink again, takes a sip and tosses his gaze at the punk again.

The punk swivels on his stool to face Mor Sai. "Hey, you bloody old man! What are you staring at? I bet when you were young, you were also wild and did crazy things, right?"

Mor Sai puts down his glass and licks his lips. "Yup, I was wild, too. I wore bell bottoms, had shoulder-length hair and smoked pot. One occasion, while I was high, I had sex with a parrot. I was looking at you because I was wondering if you're my illegitimate son."



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Monday, April 24, 2017

"Six-flavour porridge at Shanghai Porridge in Selayang is delicious," says Jessica




My cell phone rings and the image of Jessica (pix above) appears on the caller ID.

"Evening, Ewe, can we talk over the webcam?" The tone of her voice is sticky-sweet.

"Sure. Why?"

"I know a delicious porridge stall that you should share with your readers."

"That's interesting. I'll get to my computer in a minute's time."

*****

I click on my computer's webcam icon, lean back in my chair and Jessica appears on the screen. "Hi, how did you know about this porridge restaurant?"

"That night when Hussein took Wati for dinner, I was with Chow Kah. He took me to this porridge stall and orderd six-flavour porridge, the stall's signature dish." Jessica forms the numeral six with her thumb and pinkie (pix below).




"I thought he's under curfew every night?"

"That night, his wife went dancing (pix below), said she'll only be back the next morning as she didn't want to drink and drive."



"What's the name of the place?"

"It's called Shanghai Porridge, actually a stall in a hawker centre in Selayang's Intan Baiduri.  It offers many types of porridge but the best is its six-flavour porridge." She picks up her cell phone. "I'll email the pixs which  I took to you now." She touches the screen of her cell phone. "Done! There's also old Shanghai music from a portable CD player at the stall. The music was relaxing."








I look away from my cell phone to the computer screen.  "Anything, er, naughty happened after your supper?"

"That wolf Chow Kah asked whether he could come up to my condo. He flirted with an indecent proposal." A shade of rose dusts her cheek in embarrassment. "Asked me 'can you teach me a new position my wife doesn't know? ' "

"Sweet thunderation!" My eyes jolt open wider. "What was your reply?"

Her lips slope into a dry smile. "I told him, 'Dear, you can stand by my ironing board while I lie on the couch to drink beer and watch English Premier League matches on TV. ' "

A chuckle rolls from my lips. "Full address of the stall, please?"

"Tapak Intan Baiduri, Jalan Intan Baiduri, Selayang. Hand phone number of Simon Chai, the boss, is 016-2882010." She forms the numeral six again with her thumb and pinkie (pix below). "Don't forget -- the six-flavour porridge is a die-die must eat!" Her smile works its way into a grin. "Good-night!"

"Thanks!"

I log off.



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Kuala Lumpur Undercover II now sold at
major online book stores and brick-and-mortar retailers






/end

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Students should pray to Confucius for academic success, advises Sifu Sabrina





I reach the door of Sifu Sabrina's office in Low Yat Plaza, knock three times on the solid nyatoh and swing it open inward.  Cool air from the air-conditioner feathers my face as I step inside.

With one stockinged leg resting on her desk, Sifu Sabrina (pix above) flicks her gaze from the feng shui book she is reading to me. "Ah! Ewe! I've seen neither hide nor hair of you for quite a while." Her meticulously drawn brows lift in question. "Been busy?" She puts the feng shui book away and lowers her shapely leg down to the floor. "Come, take a seat."

Her husky voice heats my skin, and a smile curves my lips. "I've been preoccupied with travel writing." I plonk my butt in the visitor's chair at her desk. "Any tips for readers of my blog?" The scent from her perfume arouses my senses. "I haven't posted anything about you for some time."

Sifu Sabrina gives a slow sweep of her eye lashes. "My tip for today, exclusively for your blog, is to advise students, especially those taking important examinations, to pray to Confucius. They can also crawl in a figure of eight under the sage's altar for good luck and intelligence."

"Oh? But where to find a statue of Confucius?"

"Go to Seen Hock Yeen Temple in Chemor, north of Ipoh." She pulls open a drawer, takes out a note book and flips to a certain page. "It's a beautiful temple with ponds and sculptures (pixs below). Address is Railway Station Road, Kampung Cik Zainal, Chemor. I was there last week to pray to Yue Lao, the Deity of Marriages (bottom pix) -- some call him the Deity of Romance."

"Why did you pray to Yue Lao?"

"What else?" She draws in a deep breath and her cheeks burnish slightly.  "To find my Mr. Right."

"What! A sex bomb, er, I mean, a charming woman like you having difficulty in finding a life partner?" I scratch my head. "If I recall correctly, you've gone to Huat Tian Kong Temple to pray to Yue Lao, isn't it?"

"No harm in praying a second time." Her gaze holds mine for a second, tugging a frail sigh from her lips. "I'm born in the year of the Tiger, that's the issue. I've had a few boyfriends but things did not work out." She crosses her legs and leans forward in her chair. "The last boyfriend I had was a man-about-town, lively and sophisticated but... I guess I turned him into a mouse-about-town!" A wry smile hovers on her lips and she chews on her forefinger (pix below). "Naughty me!"



"Oh? How?"

"Women born under the Tiger sign are dominating, independent and are alpha females. A weak man cannot handle me. Only a Dragon or another Tiger will be compatible with me. There's more. According to some silly superstition, a man under born under the signs of Rat, Ox, Goat, Chicken and Pig will have a short life if married to a Tiger wife because she will eat him up!"




"What about an earlier boyfriend? His name's Zachary, if I recall correctly." My brows crimp in curiosity. "Why didn't things work out?"

"He's the worst of the lot." A scowl invades Sabrina's face. "One day, when I told him that I'm a Tigress in terms of the zodiac animals, he fainted from fright!"

My jaw slacks open.









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Monday, April 17, 2017

Wati and Hussein eat Teochew porridge at 4am!




"So, where did Hussein take you last night?" I take a sip of my water-melon juice and lean back in my chair. "Chow Kah told me he dated you after the nightclub closed. I was working late so I couldn't come."

Wati (pix above) smooths her hair  "We ate Teochew porridge at Paradize Poolside Coffee House. It was quite a romantic spot as we sat beside the pool. " She takes out her handphone and touches the screen. "Here's a photo of the place (pix below). It's in Lodge Paradize Hotel at Jalan Raja Chulan."

Wati and I are eating lunch in Restoran Biryani Asif at Jalan Walter Grenier in the Golden Triangle, KL.

"They serve Teochew porridge at such a late hour?"

"Yes, it available until 5 am." Wati adjusts a bra strap. "I told Hussein I don't want to eat fried oily food, so he took me there. And the place is halal, too." She shovels a spoonful of nasi biryani into her mouth and starts to chew.




"Tasty? I mean the porridge."

"Okay, but it's pricey, you know, hotel price." Wati touches the screen of her handphone again. "I took a selfie with Hussein (pix below)." She shows the screen to me. "See? He was grinning like an ape!"

I flash Wati a sly smile. "Anything interesting happened after your supper with him?"




"I asked him to send me home as I was tired." Wati dabs at one corner of her mouth with a piece of tissue paper. "He looked disappointed and asked whether he could come up my condo for a quick blowjob?"

My eyes widen in surprise. "Great balls of fire! That rascal's so daring? What did you say to him?"

"I said, 'Darling, can you pull over at the 7-11 store further down the road? You can get a Slurpee there! It's as good as a blowjob.' "




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Monday, April 3, 2017

"Fuck Amnesty International Malaysia!" says Johnny Yap. "Abolish the death penalty? Why shouldn't rapists-cum-murderers be hanged?"







"Fuck Amnesty International Malaysia!" yells Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke. "You monkeys got nothing better to do? Fighting to abolish the death penalty in Malaysia? Take a good hard look at these photos of rape-cum-murder victims! Their perpetrators shouldn't be hanged? If a member of your family is one of these victims, you wouldn't be so merciful! I APPEAL TO MEMBERS OF CIVIL SOCIETY TO OPPOSE ANY ATTEMPT TO ABOLISH  THE DEATH PENALTY!"





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