Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Walking tall the Anne Ooi way

[Pix of Anne Ooi by Hugo Teng]

The measure of a Golden Girl is how tall she walks against armour-clad cops armed to the teeth. Walk on, Auntie Bersih!


Saturday, August 22, 2015

Chow Kah picks up a hottie at a fancy restaurant

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Sifu Sabrina (pix above), Sakura Siew and I get off our bar stools and saunter to the exit. The tortillas, nachos and chicken wings have been excellent. Ditto for the mocktails and cocktails copiously consumed by us.

“Thanks for the treat.” I smile at Sakura (pix below).

Sabrina presses the lift button and a few moments later, the numeral "8" lights up and the lift doors open. We step into the lift.

“Where did you park, Ewe?”


“We’re also on B3.” Sabrina jabs the “B3” button and the doors close. The smell of ylang ylang from her perfume wafts about inside the lift.

The lift stops on the fourth floor and the doors slide open. In step Chow Kah and a twenty-something woman (pix below) wearing stylized snake ear-rings.

“Hi! Chow Kah! What a small world!”

“Hello, this is my new-found friend Michelle.” Chow Kah grins. “We just met minutes ago in the fusion restaurant. The food’s delicious. She’s taking me for a spin in her Mercedes-Benz sports!”

Michelle jabs the “B1” button and flits her glance among us. I notice Sifu Sabrina scrutinizing her from head to toe.

After I’ve made the introductions between Sakura, Sabrina and Chow Kah, the lift stops at “B1”. Chow Kah wraps an arm around Michelle’s waist and walks out with her. “Bye! I’ll catch up with you later!”

When the lift doors close, Sifu Sabrina suddenly yells, “Stop him! Stop him!”

“Huh?” My jaw drops. “Why?”

“She’s not human!”

“What do you mean?”

“Her feet! Her feet!” Sifu Sabrina screams, and I can see her trying to suppress her hysteria. “Didn’t you see her feet?”

The lift dings, stops at “B3” and the doors open.

“I’m not a feet-man, I’m a boobs-man!”

“Didn’t you notice? When she walks, the soles of her feet don’t touch the floor (pix below)! She’s a ghost! ” Sabrina presses the “Close” and “B1” buttons. “We’ve to stop Mr. Ang from following her! Otherwise he’s dead meat!”

“Eeeeeek!” Sakura’s hand flies to her mouth. “Now I remember! That fusion restaurant on the fourth floor burnt down three years ago! Fourteen people died in the fire!” She clasps her hands together and starts praying silently. “Oh shit! I’m so scared!”

I fumble for my mobile to phone Chow Kah but he does not answer. Seconds later, Sifu Sabrina, Sakura and I are back on the “B1” floor and we exit the lift.

Taking a few steps forward, Sabrina looks around. “Spread out and look for a Mercedes sports!”

“Ewe, I’m trembling!” Sakura is almost in tears. “I’ll stick with you!”

Sifu Sabrina goes to the right and Sakura and I set off to the left. After passing a few rows of cars, I see a silver Mercedes sports.

“Sifu Sabrina! The car’s here! Over here!”

Sabrina patters over in her heels and we stare in horror at the car.

A cold shiver runs down my spine. “Chow Kah’s been possessed! He doesn’t even realize he’s sitting in a paper Mercedes (pix below)!” My pulse pounds in my temples.

“Oh dear!” Sakura cringes behind me and I can hear her teeth chattering! “What shall we do?”

“There’s only one thing I can do.” Sabrina takes off her pendant and chants, “Namo-amitofu! Namo-amitofu! Namo-amitofu!” She flings her pendant at the paper car. “In the name of Chung Kwei, I order you to GO AWAY! RETURN TO HELL!”

POOF! The car disappears into a cloud of white smoke!

“Eeeeeeeek! Obscene!” Sakura’s shriek from behind almost makes my ears ring.

Through the smoke, Chow Kah comes running towards us (right pix below). He’s only wearing his briefs!

Sakura goes to a nearby rubbish bin and returns with a few pieces of old newspaper. “Here, cover yourself with these!” she says to Chow Kah.

“Chow Kah, are you alright?” I ask. “Why’re you half-naked?”

Chow Kah’s face has turned as white as porcelain. “Michelle wanted to have sex with me in the car!” He covers his modesty with the old newspapers. “Then -- then I saw her real face! She looked horrible!”

Sifu Sabrina returns to our spot after having retrieved her pendant.

“Wow, what magical pendant is that?” I reach out my hand. “Can I see it?”

Sifu Sabrina passes Chow Kah’s life-saver to me. “It’s a Chung Kwei pendant. Chung Kwei (bottom pix) is a deity who specializes in catching ghosts and demons.”

“I want to buy one!” Sakura steps forward to look at the pendant. “Where can I get it?” She takes out her hanky from her handbag and mops sweat off her brow.

I return the pendant to Sifu Sabrina who wears it back on her neck. “Go to a store selling feng shui articles -- perhaps one of those amulet retailers in Pudu Plaza may have it.” She starts to walk to the lift lobby. “Everybody, let’s go home, not a good month to be out at night.”

Sakura flicks her gaze at Chow Kah. “Mr. Ang, that fourth-floor restaurant burnt down a long time ago! The premise is still unoccupied. No takers because it is believed to be haunted.”

“What! I didn’t know!” Chow Kah’s eyes widen in shock. “But—but when I got off the lift, I found it still operating at the end of the corridor!"

Sifu Sabrina wags her finger at Chow Kah. “Your luck’s very bad, Mr. Ang. I’d advise you to wear a Chung Kwei pendant!”


Another filthy stall in KL Chinatown that serves lip-smacking chee cheong fun

While taking a short cut from Jalan Panggung to Jalan Hang Lekir through the Tun H.S. Lee Hawker Centre in KL Chinatown, I stumbled upon this lip-smacking chee cheong fun stall. Nay, I didn't eat there but bought a packet home. The chee cheong fun is as good as the one facing Hong Leong Bank. Sheesh, aren't there any stalls that serve delicious chee cheong fun in a decent environment in KL?


Saturday, August 15, 2015

Arguably the tastiest but filthiest chee cheong fun stall in KL Chinatown

Who's says KL Chinatown is a food paradise? Several stalls are tucked in filthy alleys and dark walkways. I've heard that a dingy stall on Jalan Hang Lekir facing the side of Hong Leong Bank arguably serves the best chee cheong fun in the area. Turned off by its unsightly environment, I bought a takeaway. At home, I discover that its sweetish sauce certainly elevates the springy chee cheong fun to a standard by which others should be judged.

Another famous stall at the same road is the one that sells dried-longan drink. One gulp delivers a sweet-smokey flavour that bursts like fireworks in your mouth. Sometimes, you need to queue. The stall is located just outside Hong Leong Bank.


Thursday, August 13, 2015

Sifu Sabrina and Sakura Siew prepare themselves for the Hungry Ghost month

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Tootling along the corridor on the first floor of Sungei Wang Plaza, I hear a female voice calling me: “Hei, Ewe! Ewe!"

I turn at the waist to see Sifu Sabrina and Sakura Siew (pix above) walking behind me. “Hello, ladies, what a coincidence!”

Dressed in a bustier that can quicken a man’s pulse, Sifu Sabrina flashes a smile. “Earlier, we saw you walking to the escalator but you didn’t see us.”

I flick my gaze to Sabrina’s face. “Wow! You look younger with your new hair style! You’re here to shop or to eat?”

“I’m going to a salon to cut my bangs and look for flat pumps.”

“Me, too!” Sakura hitches the leather strap of her bag higher on her shoulder. “I’m also looking for flats.”

I look down at the two ladies' feet. “Both of you're wearing heels. So, are flats suddenly in fashion?”

Sakura scrunches her brows. “No, tomorrow’s the start of the Hungry Ghost month. Wearing heels is not good for people whose luck is low.” She casts a glance at Sabrina. “That’s what Sifu Sabrina told me.”

“There’re several taboos during the seventh month.” Sabrina’s eyes glint with concern. “Whether you want to believe them is up to you.”

“How about some coffee at Starbucks downstairs? I’d like to know what those taboos are.”

Five minutes later, we are seated in Starbucks on the concourse. The aroma of coffee and baked delights wafts around us.

Sabrina takes a sip of her hazelnut latte. “See my bangs? I want to have it cut, change my hair style.”

“Why? What's wrong with your fringe?"

“According to Chinese metaphysical science, the human aura comprises three lights.” She puts the glass mug down. “One at the forehead, two at the shoulders. Covering your forehead with bangs weakens your aura. My luck is on the low side this year. That’s why I want to expose my forehead to strengthen my aura -- especially so during the Hungry Ghost month.”

Sakura swallows a morsel of muffin and casts her gaze at me. “Sabrina told me that wearing high heels should be avoided if your luck is bad.” She leans forward and rests her elbows on the table. “As you know, walking with the back of one’s feet not touching the floor apparently can result in an early death. So, the same principle applies. When you’re wearing high-heeled shoes, the back of your feet is not touching the ground. If your luck's rotten, you can be more vulnerable to a bad intention by an evil spirit. That's why we're looking for flat pumps.”

“But how do you know whether your luck is good or bad?”

“Depends on your birth particulars.” Sabrina lets out a gentle exhale. “An astrologer should be able to do the necessary calculations. Or just go to a temple and check using the fortune sticks.”

“What other taboos are there? I know that going out at night should be avoided, especially for children. They should also avoid looking at people praying at the roadside.”

“Abstain from the following activities at night: hanging clothes to dry in the backyard, leaving a wet umbrella open in the front porch, leaving dolls overnight in the front porch and discussing about ghosts, zombies and the nether world.” She wags her forefinger to emphasize her point. “That includes not watching ghost movies.” She throws her gaze at Sakura and me. “Any one of you has fragrant plants or trees in the garden?”

Sakura and I shake our heads. “Why?” I ask.

“Stay away from plants and trees that emit fragrance at night. They attract spirits like ants to sugar.”

I cross my legs and lean back in my chair. “Any tips for self-protection during the inauspicious month?”

“Pray outside your house, ask the spirits to leave you in peace. Leave the front porch light and backyard light on until the next morning. Wear amulets if your luck is low. Avoid black clothes, wear bright colours. Do play dangerous sports or swim in places where people have drowned previously. Smoke the house or condo every evening with burning sandalwood if it's in a bad location.”

My eyes fuse to Sabrina’s for a few moments. “What do you mean by bad location?”

“Have you been to Siu Siu Restaurant in Taman Seputeh?”

“Nope, but I heard it’s famous for its BBQ pork.”

“My girlfriend lives in that area. One day, after lunch with her in Siu Siu Restaurant, she invited me up to her condo, just ten minutes walk away. I moved to the balcony hoping to see a panoramic view of the city.” She winces and shakes her head. “I was shocked! What I saw was a cemetery. And it was quite close. You get what I mean?” She looks at her watch. “One final tip before we make a move. Just now when I called your name, you turned around. During the seventh month which begins tomorrow, if you’re walking at night in a dark, lonely place and someone calls your name, never, never turn around. You may see something scary.”

My hair stands one end. “What should I do then?”

Sabrina chuckles. “Run for your life!” She and Sakura rise to their feet.

“Ta-ta!” Sakura flaps a pudgy hand as she starts to walk away.

A few moments later, I see Chow Kah walking past and I wave at him. We exchange pleasantries and he plops into a chair beside me. “Shopping?” I ask, looking at the bag he has placed on the floor.

“Yes, high-heeled shoes for my mother-in-law.”

“Huh? Why?” I take a sip from my mug.

“Tomorrow’s the start of the ghost month, buddy. That seventy-year-old cow is a bloody pain in the ass. I hope when she's wearing them, an evil spirit will snatch her soul to the underworld! You know, make her drop dead from a heart attack or something like that!”

I choke on my coffee and splutter, “Sweet suffering saints! That’s murder!”


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

HIV+ masseuse in a Bukit Bintang spa deliberately infecting customers?

[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

I received an anonymous email from a man claiming that he contracted HIV from a hanky-panky spa in a Bukit Bintang hotel. According to him, the HIV+ masseuse is a well-endowed Vietnamese in her late 30's who calls herself Sakura (no relation to my friend Sakura Siew). He adds that during sex, she always removes the condom discreetly to deliberately infect her partner. The last sentence of his email is sad, very sad: "I am one of her victims." Please seek medical attention immediately if you've had a naughty session with this masseuse. By now, she has possibly left the country or moved to another spa.


Sunday, August 9, 2015

“Nagasaki survivors should shut the f*** up about the horrors of the atomic bomb, instead they should reflect on the atrocities of their Imperial Japanese Army,” rants Johnny Yap

[Pix of male model above for illustration purpose only]

On August 9, 1945, America dropped the atomic bomb on Nagasaki which killed around 80,000 to 100,000 civilians. Earlier today, memorial services were held in several places in Japan. “So, what's the big deal?” rants Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Nightclub & Karaoke. “They deserve it! Today -- which is the 70th anniversary of the bombing -- its survivors should not talk cock about their sufferings but reflect on the atrocities committed by their own Imperial Japanese Army!" He thumps his table with his fist and glugs a mouthful of Tsingtao beer.

“To cite a few examples of Japanese war crimes," adds Johnny, wiping his lips with a piece of Kleenex, "the Burma Death Railway claimed the lives of 12,000 Allied POWs and 90,000 labourers, the Bataan Death March in the Philippines took the lives of 21,600 American and Filipino POWs. And the Sook Ching in Singapore left 70,000 to 90,000 Chinese dead! Figures for the Sook Ching in Malaya are estimated at 30,000, according to Wikipedia. Think about that! Nagasaki and Hiroshima deserve what they got!”

[Painting of "Bataan Death March" above courtesy of the artist Ben Steele]