Thursday, October 30, 2014

Sifu Sabrina gives feng shui tips on how to get pregnant

[Pix of models for illustration purpose only]

“What advice do you want this time, Miss Siew?” Sifu Sabrina (pix above) asks.

Sakura (right pix) adjusts a bra strap, sits straight and answers, “I need feng shui tips how to get pregnant.”

She and I are sitting in Sifu Sabrina’s living room.

Sifu Sabrina leans back on the sofa. “Have you and your husband gone for a medical check-up? I mean fertility test?”

“It’s not me but I’m asking on behalf of a female relative.”

“I see. Assuming there’re no biological factors involved, let me start with the bed. Make sure there’s no fan directly above the bed.” She points upward and twirls her right forefinger. “The whirling blades of the fan can cut through the chi of both partners, making conception difficult. If the yang energy is weak, small red lanterns can be placed on both sides of the bed.”

Yang energy refers to the male, rite?”

Sifu Sabrina nods. “As for the house, to activate the fertility chi, you can display several auspicious objects -– “

I fish out my memo pad and a ball pen from my shirt pocket and hand them to Sakura. “Better write them down.”

Sifu Sabrina continues, “A figurine of a Buddha with children is excellent. Paintings of cute children are also good. However, avoid baby animals like pigs and monkeys. Pomegranates symbolize fertility because they contain many seeds. So an open pomegranate is a powerful symbol. Another popular symbol is a pair of magpies.”

Sakura scratches the back of her head. “Where to place them?”

“Depends on the person’s kua number.” Sifu Sabrina pauses. “Get ready to write them as I tell you.” Another pause. “1 -– South, 2 –- North-west, 3 –- South-east, 4 –- East, 5 -- North-west, 6 -- South-west, 7 —- North-east, 8 –- West and 9 —- North. Got them?”

“My auntie’s 79 years old, born in 1935. That means –- ”

I hold my sides, my ribs aching.

Sifu Sabrina turns away from Sakura for a moment to stifle a giggle. “No, the auspicious directions refer to the male partner. More specifically, it should be called descendants’ direction.”

“Her husband’s born in 1976, 38 years old. That means his kua number is 8. So, those symbols should be placed in the west?”

Eyes squinting, lit with an inner glow, Sifu Sabrina flashes a wide grin. “Righto!”


Saturday, October 25, 2014

Bombshell Wati of Hot Legs Niteclub says sleeping naked has benefits

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

“Wati, I bought lingerie for you,” Hussein says. “Got it online from Victoria’s Secret.” He lays the packet on Wati's lap.

“Please don’t give me any lingerie, Hussein. I sleep naked.” Wati (pix above) returns the package to Hussein, his face scarred with disappointment.

“Is the lingerie free-size?” Chow Kah asks, sitting beside Jessica (pix below), clad in a simple tee-shirt.


“I’ll buy it from you,” Chow Kah says with a twinkle in his eyes, “and give it to Jessica.”

“Sorry darling, I’m not interested,” Jessica says. “I’m not going to fall for the second oldest trick in the book.” She folds her arms and leans back on the sofa.

“What’s that trick?” I ask.

“When a man gives lingerie to a girl, the next thing is he’ll ask the girl to wear it for him to see. You know, excuses like whether it fits her, whether it looks good on her. In short, he just wants to see lots of flesh. Out of obligation, some girls will sometimes comply just to please the giver.”

Chow Kah blushes, takes a gulp of his Asahi Premium Beer and smiles sheepishly. “Darling, I didn’t know you’re so worldly.”

“Why you sleep naked, Wati? “ I ask, grabbing a handful of salted peanuts.

“There’re many benefits of sleeping naked. First, there’re less clothes to wash. And I don’t need to buy pajamas. Another benefit is that my sleeping time is kept constant. For some people, the ritual of changing into pajamas can become earlier and earlier. Once a person is in pajamas, he or she will likely to be sedentary. That means productive time is eaten away.”

“True, true,” Chow Kah says. “Once, I’m in pajamas after having taken dinner, I’m in bed reading.” He takes the remote and dims the lights. “Let’s talk in a romantic ambiance.”

“Then, there’s the benefit of getting a sound sleep,” Wati adds. "Sometimes, waist elastic-bands that are a bit tight can divert attention from falling sleep.”

She rises to her feet, steps to the hi-fi and presses a button. Saxy jazz seeps from the speakers and sexy girls come alive on the TV screen with lyrics flowing across but nobody is singing. She returns to her former spot on the sofa beside Hussein.

“Yes, drawstrings can be a hindrance,” Chow Kah says.

“You wear pajamas with drawstrings?” I ask, popping a few salted nuts into my mouth.


“Risky!” exclaims Hussein. “If you’re having diarrhoea, it can hinder you rushing to the toilet.” He chuckles. “It happened to me once. I rushed to my wife’s Singer sewing machine, took out a pair of scissors and cut the drawstrings!”

Wati adds, “Sleeping naked also allows your skin to breathe better. Ageing is delayed. You also save on electricity. I always time my air-con to switch off at 4 am.”

“What a smart girl,” Jessica purrs.

“Another benefit is that it makes me feel confident about my body. My self-esteem is boosted as I feel good about my body. Couples will, of course, have sex more often –- better bonding between husband and wife.”

“My first wife also sleeps naked,” Hussein says, a toothpick dangling from his lips. “But she still has low self-esteem and I don’t have sex with her more often.”

“Why?” Chow Kah asks.

“She’s so fat, she can't find pajamas to fit her size!”


Friday, October 17, 2014

Sexy Wati of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke says that fat men make better lovers

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

The door of the karaoke room swings open and a Myanmar waiter walks in and places a plate of chicken tortilla wraps on the coffee table.

Jessica, Chow Kah, Wati and I lean forward to take a piece each, and we start to munch. Soft sentimental music is seeping from the China-made Tymphany speakers.

Wati (left pix) asks, “Hussein, why are you not eating?” Tonight, she is wearing fishnet stockings and heels, and a halter-top red dress which hugs her body, displaying her slopes and curves.

Hussein takes a drag from his Sampoerna cigarette. “I don’t want to gain more weight. My fourth wife said I’ve got a slight paunch."

“Never mind, darling, fat men make better lovers.”

“Baloney!” exclaims Jessica (pix below). She is garbed in a blue dress flattering her full breasts and tapered waist.

Wati sits up straight. “No kidding everybody. According to the International Journal of Impotence Research published in –-"

I ask with my mouth full, “When did you start reading medical journals?”

Wati smiles. “Ever since a few fatty clients started sending roses to me, I’ve been reading articles on fat guys.” She takes a sip of her Shirley Temple, drooping her eyelashes provocatively as the sweet-piquant concoction floods her mouth.

Hussein flashes a jealous look at Wati. “Obviously to find out whether there's any advantage in marrying a fat guy.”

“Which issue is the journal?” asks Chow Kah.

“Volume 20 of 2010 edition.” Wati dabs at her mouth with a tissue paper. “The article reported that researchers at Erciyes University in Kayseri, Turkey completed a yearlong study to find any correlation between body mass index and male sexual performance. They found that overweight men with beer guts lasted five minutes longer compared to skinny men. The fatsos’ performance in the study group lasted an average of 7.3 minutes.” She rises to her feet, brushes tortilla crumbs off her lap and runs her hands through her hair (pix below).

“Wow!” Chow Kah exclaims, crooking his eyebrows. “That means if he makes love 70 times a year, that would amount to more than eight hours! Phew…almost like a working day!”

“So what?” sneers Jessica. “Fatsos are notorious for having a small plonker. Theirs are probably covered with a thick layer of fat! That’s why they feel less sensation.”

She crosses her legs at the knees; the hem of her dress rides up and I can see goose bumps on her creamy thighs due to the cold air-conditioning.

Chow Kah burps slightly and brings his hand to his mouth. “No, the willy’s made of muscle and spongy tissue, no fat.” He bends to the coffee table and takes another piece of chicken tortilla wrap.

I ask, “Wati, did the article mention the reason for the longer performance.”

“Yes, according to the scientists, fat guys have more estradiol, a hormone that helps to inhibit orgasm.”

“See?” Jessica says with a sparkle in her eyes. “The reason is along the lines of what I’ve said earlier.”

“A lardo has another plus as a lover,” Wati adds. “Cuddling a skinny man is like hugging a skeleton. Embracing a fatso’s akin to hugging a teddy bear.”

“What about the con?” retorts Jessica. “Fat men are more prone to impotence than men with normal weight. This finding was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2010.”

“Ladieees, discussion on this topic is now closed,” Chow Kah says. “We sing after we finish eating.”





Monday, October 13, 2014

Thai Fish Farm Restaurant – dog-friendly and disabled-friendly – serves fairly scrumptious fare

{Pixs copyright Ewe Paik Leong}

Bubble joined my family for an outing again -- this time to Thai Fish Farm Restaurant in Hulu Langat. As it also doubles as a chicken and vegetable farm, during my drive there, I had visions of him chasing squawking chickens but it didn’t happen. Anyway, at least, he saw a few live chickens from afar.

Located in a lush valley, the restaurant comprises several thatched structures standing on stilts in a pond. Once inside the restaurant, we passed the grilling section, a dessert kiosk and the kitchen. Fussy eaters are well-catered for as the laminated A3-size menu lists more than 50 items. I left the ordering to my missus and walked around to snap several pictures. At the dessert kiosk, you can buy mango sticky rice and other Thai snacks. Other retail sections sell fresh vegetables, farm chicken and seafood.

The slipper lobster was nicely presented and the butter contrasted well with the texture of the lobster meat. The pandan chicken was a bit dry and the pandan aroma was weak. Only when dipped in a sourish sauce, did its taste improve a notch. The seafood tom yam was spicy.

After our meal, I made a trip to the loo with a tinge of wariness. However, the toilets, constructed of thick aluminium walls and doors, were quite clean and paper was supplied. There’s even one designed for the disabled.

Ambience: 4/5. Food: 3.5/5

Getting there:
Thai Fish Farm is located 1 km after the now-closed Ampang Lookout Point. Travel along Jalan Ampang past Ampang Point and Ampang Waterfront. Turn right at the Satay Station traffic-light junction. Further ahead, you will pass AEON. Proceed for two or three kilometers and turn left to Jalan Taman Putra. Signboards will lead you to the restaurant. Contact Eugene Ng at 019-2606493 if necessary.


Friday, October 10, 2014

Chow Kah asks Sifu Sabrina how to get more girlfriends!

(Pixs of models for illustration purpose only)

Sifu Sabrina (left pix) shoves a notepad and a ball pen across the table to Chow Kah “Please, give me your part chee.”

Ang Chow Kah scribbles on the note pad and returns it to Sifu Sabrina. “There you are!”

“Holy Toledo! Your birth particulars indicate that you’re a wolf, a whorehound, a skirt-chaser, a playboy, a lothario and a philanderer!” She looks up and holds Chow Kah gaze with hers for a few moments. “But that’s none of my business. I don’t judge my clients.”

“That’s being very professional,” I say, sitting beside Chow Kah.

“So, how can I help you?”

Chow Kah smiles sheepishly. “I heard Sakura Siew managed to hook a husband based on your advice. I want to have more girlfriends!”

“Simple. Just as the north-west corner is the Patriarch Corner, the south-west is the Matriarch Corner. In your bedroom, hang a painting of beautiful women in the south-west corner. A photograph will also do.” She flashes a sly smile. “In your case, the more women in the painting, the merrier! Next, activate your thou-far corner. Thou-far is Cantonese for peach-blossom. What’s your animal zodiac sign?”


“For a Goat, the thou-far direction or peach-blossom direction is north. Thou-far animal is Rat. Hang a painting of a cute Rat on your north wall in your living room. Or display a rat figurine.”


A month passes. My cell phone rings; the caller ID shows Chow Kah.

“Ewe, something’s wrong!” Chow Kah gasps. “I’m getting lots of emails. Last week sixteen emails; today four. But not from girls, from gays and transsexuals! But I've a painting of four nudes (pix above) hung up in my thou-far corner."

“While you’re at work, maybe your wife took down the painting?”

“By golly! You may be right! I leave the house early and come back later than my wife. Can you pick me during lunch and we go check out my home?”



Half an hour later, Chow and I are the living room of his condo. Chow Kah points one wall. “There’s my Rat symbol. It’s a female rat. Sexy, eh?”

I nod my head, and we enter his bedroom.

Looking around, Chow Kah exclaims, “Holy shit! Who put that photograph there!”

Hanging on one wall is a five-by-three-feet photograph of a group of hunks (pix below).

Chow Kah hollers to his Indonesian maid who comes running from the kitchen.

“Where’s my painting of the four nude women?”

Standing in the doorway of the bedroom, the dumpy maid says, “Bapak, everyday your missus hides it under the bed after you’ve left for work. Then she hangs the photo of the five men. Before you come back, she returns the nude painting to its original spot.”


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs, condemns bombing of nightclub in Sun Complex

"I am horrified at the barbaric bombing of Cherry Blossom in Sun Complex at Bukit Bintang yesterday," says an enraged Johnny Yap (left pix), owner of Hot Legs Niteclub. "Whether it was committed by a Mr. Jihadist or a Mr. Gangsta, there’s no justification for attacking innocent men and women. The perpetrators of this wicked act are savages with no testicular fortitude. To the injured victims, I offer my deepest sympathies and to the relatives of the dead, my deepest condolences. In the wake of this incident, I’m beefing up security at Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke." (Pix of model for illustration purpose only)