[Pixs of models for illustration only]
His face beaming with amusement, Chow Ask asks, “Why is a vibrator like a piece of tofu?”
“Eh?” I scratch my head. “No idea.” I see blank looks on the faces of Jessica, Wati and Hussein across the table.
“Because they’re meat substitutes!”
The Gang of Four (Chow Kah & Jessica; Hussein & Wati) and I are having supper at Jalan Alor after a drinking binge at Hot Legs Karaoke & Niteclub. An unending stream of pedestrians are walking past our table, and vehicles are crawling like rats without legs on the drag.
Hussein tosses his gaze at Wati (pix above). “When’s your birthday, darling?”
Wati purses her lip in a tease. “Why?”
“I’ll buy a vibrator as a birthday present for you.”
“Thanks but no thanks!" Wati looks at Hussein in the eye. "If you give me one, I’ll use it on your asshole!”
Jessica (pix below) casts her gaze at Chow Kah. “Hey, why’s everybody talking about vibrators?’
Chow Kah picks up a roasted chestnut. "Haven't you heard the latest about vibrators?" He cracks the chestnut and pops its seed into his mouth.
Jessica runs a hand through her tresses. “What about?" She spears a squid ring and starts to chew on it.
“Watson Malaysia is now selling vibrators.” Chow Kah raises four fingers. “There’re four models to choose from, and they also sell lubricants!”
“Eeeeek!” Jessica scrunches her face and puts her fork down. “That's disgusting! What kind of women will buy vibrators?” She takes a sip of her water melon juice.
Wati flashes a sly grin. “Old over-sexed makcik! You know, old widows or divorcees. Also married women with husbands who are impotent or have small dicks! Sexually liberated women may also buy them to -- to" she lets out a little-girl giggle -- "to fuck themselves!"
Hussein wags a finger. “It’s not fair! If women can buy vibrators, men should have access to sex dolls! But sale of sex dolls in Malaysia is banned.”
“Amitofu! I'm sorry to interrupt.” I turn to see a monk clad in a saffron robe standing near our table. A pair of shades hides his eyes (pix below).
“My name’s Reverend Somsak from Wat Phra Singrai in Setapak, KL.” He whips off his sunglasses. “I was sipping beer, er -- plain water at the next table when I overheard your animated discussion about vibrators. So, allow me to give my two cents' worth.” His eyes bulge as he stares at Wati’s cleavage (pix below). “A woman’s valley of love should only be penetrated by her husband’s jade shaft. Penetration by anything else constitutes sexual misconduct.” He shifts his gaze to Jessica. “Using a vibrator tantamounts to adultery. And that’s against Buddhist precepts.” Eyes focused on Jessica, he pauses and licks his lips. “By the way, any of you want to donate to my temple?”
I fumble into my wallet, take out some money notes and stretch out my hand.
Reverend Somsak folds his arms across his chest. “Please, I cannot touch money! That's against Monastic Codes." He gestures to a bag hanging from his shoulder. “So, please drop your money into my bag.”
Rising from our chairs, Chow Kah and I step forward and slip our donations into the cloth bag hanging from the monk's shoulder.
“Thank you! I’m planning to install a gold statue of Lord Buddha in my temple. That'll earn me a tremendous amount of good merits." Reverend Somsak displays a row of crooked teeth in a lecherous grin (right pix). "With those accumulated merits, I hope Lord Buddha will grant my wish to be re-incarnated as a vibrator!”
"Your owner," Jessica retorts, "could be a seventy-year old granny!"