Pages

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Sifu Sabrina advises how to feng shui your car



[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

I park my jalopy at The Waterfront in Desa Parkcity and wait at the sidewalk outside Onde Onde for Sifu Sabrina. Yesterday, I had phoned her to ask for feng shui tips for one’s car and she had suggested a spin in her coupe. “Let’s take a drive to Pasir Penambang in Sungei Buloh,” she had said. “Lunch on you in return for the feng shui advice.” I had agreed.

I hear a couple of toots and see a red sports car stop behind a row of parked vehicles. The door swings open and sitting inside is Sifu Sabrina (pix above), smiling and chewing on the nail of her little finger. I stride across to the car and hop in the passenger seat.

Sifu Sabrina manoeuvres the car out of The Waterfront and within minutes we are cruising down the coastal road to Sungei Buloh. She throws a glance at me. “I shall not comment on the importance of car numbers as it is obvious to everyone. So, my first principle for car feng shui is to keep the car clean and free of clutter. The windows and windscreen are especially important in this aspect. Next, once you get in the car, always turn on the radio for a short while even if you don’t intend to listen to music. The energy from the music will drive away negative vibes.”


We come to a traffic light and a car pulls abreast of us. The driver of the other car –-- a twenty-something sporting a gold earring and peroxide blond hair -- revs the engine, jerks the car forward repeatedly. It is an unspoken challenge to race. I see Sifu Sabrina make a face and cheekily sticks her tongue out.

The light turns green and we lurch forward, tyres screeching, rubber burning. “Another good practice is to wrap small handfuls of salt in cloth bags and keep them on the floor. The salt will absorb negative chi that your passengers may track into the car. Change the salt bags regularly.” I look at the vanity mirror and see that the other car is behind us.

We come to a sharp bend. Sabrina shunts down a gear, and the engine whines in protest. “You can also hang a symbol of protection like the dragon on the rearview mirror or use a key chain with a metal dragon figurine,” she continues, stomping on the gas pedal and turning the steering with utmost precision. The car swerves into a screeching drift round the bend and I am thrown sideways, my head knocking against the side window.

We are now hitting a straight stretch. “Next is the colour.” Sifu Sabrina moves to the outside lane and begins to overtake a silver saloon. “The colour must complement the owner’s kua number.”

“Look out! Lorry ahead!” I scream, my heart thumping inside my rib cage.

“Relax, Ewe!” She flicks on a switch and screams excitedly, “Turbooo!”

The car shoots forward like a cannonball, leaving a cloud of exhaust fumes in front of the silver saloon and I am pulled backward in my seat. My eyes bulge as the oncoming lorry rumbles by with only centimetres to spare. The next moment, I crane my neck to look at the speedometer. “Jesus Christ! We’re doing 180!”


Sifu Sabrina giggles. “You’re not scared, are you? It’s nought to naughty in under ten seconds for this souped-up car!” She lifts one hand off the steering and brushes stray strands of hair from her face. “As I was saying, first find out your kua number and choose the colour that complements it. For 1, the colours are blue and black – either one; 2, yellow and brown; 3, deep green; 4, light green; 5, yellow or brown; 6, white, gold or silver; 7, also white, gold or silver; 8, yellow or brown; 9, red, orange or pink.”

Sifu Sabrina slams on the brake.

I am thrown forward and my head cracks against the dashboard. “Ouch!”

“We’re in Pasir Penambang," she says. "Fast eh?”

She points to a signboard “Riverview Seafood Restaurant” with a dainty forefinger that's wearing beige nail varnish. “That restaurant is good.”

We get out of the car and I see her searching for something on the ground.

“Lost something?” I ask.

“I accidentally brushed my ear against the door and my earring dropped.” She squats down, picks up her earring and clips it on her earlobe (pix below). “I'm done -- let’s go,” she says, rising to her feet.


/end

Friday, November 14, 2014

Sakura advises barren women to pray at Bangkok’s Mae Nak shrine and Chao Mae Tumbit shrine




My mobile beeps and the caller ID shows Sakura Siew.

“What’s up, Miss Siew?” I say into the microphone.

“I just came back from Bangkok. Got some souvenirs for you. Can I come tomorrow and pass them to you?”

“Why, sure. Thank you. Was it a vacation?”

“I took my auntie to pray at two temples. They’re popular with barren women wishing to conceive.”

“Interesting! Tell me more about them.”

“First, there’s the Mae Nak Shrine. Legend says that a woman named Nak was married to a man called Maak during the reign of King Mongkut. In 1885, Maak was conscripted to fight against the Shan State in the north. During her husband’s absence, Nak died during childbirth. When Maak returned, he saw his wife and a baby at home. Unknown to him, they were both ghosts. For several months, they lived a normal life. One day, Nak dropped a piece of lime while preparing food. The lime fell through a slit in the wooden floor to the ground. She elongated her hand through the slit to the ground to retrieve it. Maak saw this incident from the bedroom, realized that his wife was a ghost and fled from the house. He hid in a temple. Nak was furious and starting hurling stones at villagers. Finally, a monk captured her and imprisoned her in an earthenware jug. The jug was thrown into the Phra Kanong canal. Two fisherman unwittingly released her when they found the jug and opened it. By now, Maak was living with another woman and Nak returned home and strangled her to death. To appease the fierce spirit, another monk built a shrine at Wat Mahabut for her to stay.”

“Sheesh! That’s scary. Address of the temple?”

“Soi 77, Off Sukhumvit Road.” A pause. “Not only barren women pray to her. Mae Nak also gives luck to lottery punters. But pregnant women are advised not to come, in case the spirit decides to do some mischief with the fetus.”

“What’s the second shrine?”


“The Chao Mae Tumbit shrine. This fertility shrine is dedicated to the goddess Chao Mae Tumbit who is believed to reside in the banyan tree there. There are hundreds of wooden and stone phalluses scattered around the shrine. Big and small.” A giggle. “Seems that the goddess likes offerings of phallic objects.”


My eyebrows furrowed. “Really? Weren’t you embarrassed?”

“No, there were many female tourists there. The shrine is located in the compound of the Swissotel Nai Lert Park Bangkok on Wireless Road.”

“Thanks, I’ll put them in my blog.”

/end

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Jessica of Hot Legs Niteclub says that apples make women horny!



[Pix of models for illustration purpose only]

There is a tattoo on the door of the karaoke room and Mummy Lulu enters, carrying a tray of tarts. Charming Chow Kah, jolly Jessica, winsome Wati and hottish Hussein are with me, cracking water melon seeds and groundnuts.

“Evening everybody!” greets Mummy Lulu, putting the tray on the coffee table. “Free tarts for my regular customers!” I can smell a fresh floral scent from her.

“What’s the occasion?” Chow Kah asks, sliding forward on the settee. “Some kind of sale promotion?”


“No, nothing like that. These durian tarts will make my customers horny!” Mummy Lulu winks and flutters her false eye-lashes. “So they’ll come back more often!”

“Sheesh! That’s old hat,” Hussein exclaims. “It’s a well-known fact that durians have aphrodisiacal properties.”

“See? Mummy Lulu is so kind!” Wati (pix above) purrs, sitting beside Hussein. “She’s been giving free durian tarts for the past two weeks.” Her breasts bulge in the tight confines of her shirt dress, her 38-inch butt straining the seams of her jorts.

Mummy Lulu turns on her heels and heads for the doorway. Before she closes the door behind her, she looks over her shoulder and says, “Don’t believe that crap about the so-called danger of mixing durian with alcohol.”

“The durian tarts are an investment for future business!” Jessica (right pix) adds, taking a piece and bringing it to Chow Kah’s mouth. Her breasts are pushed against her white spaghetti strap top like caged, playful puppies hungry for affection.

I ask, “Any scientific proof?”


“Of course!” Wati says. “Read year 2010, Volume 3, issue 1 of the Asian Journal of Biological Science.” She leans forward, takes a sip of her rose-juice-kacip-fatimah mocktail topped with a drizzle of vanilla icing and smacks her lips. “The All India Institute of Medical Sciences conducted a study using two groups of rats. One group was fed with durians; the second group, a control. After a 14-day period, they found that the durian-eating rats copulated more with female rats compared to the rats on normal diet.”

“Any fruit that can make women horny?” Chow Kah asks, wiping his mouth with a piece of Kleenex tissue.”

“Apples!” Jessica answers. “There’s an article in the Archives of Gynecology and Obstetrics, July 2014 issue. More than 700 Italian women –- all sexually active and healthy -- were researched by Dr. Bartoletti and his team from Santa Chiara Regional Hospital in Trento, Italy. Similar methodology. One group ate apples; the other did not. Based on their responses to a questionnaire called the FSFI -– Female Sexual Function Index -– the scientists found that the apple-eaters had more satisfying sex lives.”

“Satisfying in terms of what?” Chow Kah asks.

“In terms of frequency of sexual acts, lubrication, having orgasm and level of sexual satisfaction.”

I ask, “What was the reason?”

“Apples contain phloridzin, a compound that’s strongly responsible for female sexual arousal.”

I start to munch a durian tart.

Hussein yanks his mobile for his belt pouch and presses a few buttons. “Keng Keong Fruit Suppliers?” A pause. “Mister Hussein here. Can you send one box of apples every week to my first wife? She stays in Ampang Jaya.” Another pause. “Price is not an issue. I’ll sms her address to you after this. Okay, I can come tomorrow and make advance payment for three months to start with.”

“Why’re you sending apples to your first wife (right pix)?” Chow Kah asks.

“I hope that fat, ugly woman gets oversexed and runs away with the milkman or breadman! Or whoever! Then its’s good riddance!”


/end

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Sifu Sabrina gives feng shui tips on how to get pregnant



[Pix of models for illustration purpose only]

“What advice do you want this time, Miss Siew?” Sifu Sabrina (pix above) asks.

Sakura (right pix) adjusts a bra strap, sits straight and answers, “I need feng shui tips how to get pregnant.”

She and I are sitting in Sifu Sabrina’s living room.

Sifu Sabrina leans back on the sofa. “Have you and your husband gone for a medical check-up? I mean fertility test?”

“It’s not me but I’m asking on behalf of a female relative.”

“I see. Assuming there’re no biological factors involved, let me start with the bed. Make sure there’s no fan directly above the bed.” She points upward and twirls her right forefinger. “The whirling blades of the fan can cut through the chi of both partners, making conception difficult. If the yang energy is weak, small red lanterns can be placed on both sides of the bed.”

Yang energy refers to the male, rite?”

Sifu Sabrina nods. “As for the house, to activate the fertility chi, you can display several auspicious objects."

I fish out my memo pad and a ball pen from my shirt pocket and hand them to Sakura. “Better write them down.”

Sifu Sabrina continues, “A figurine of a Buddha with children is excellent. Paintings of cute children are also good. However, avoid baby animals like pigs and monkeys. Pomegranates symbolize fertility because they contain many seeds. So an open pomegranate is a powerful symbol. Another popular symbol is a pair of magpies.”

Sakura scratches the back of her head. “Where to place them?”

“Depends on the person’s kua number.” Sifu Sabrina pauses. “Get ready to write them as I tell you.” Another pause. “1 -– South, 2 –- North-west, 3 –- South-east, 4 –- East, 5 -- North-west, 6 -- South-west, 7 —- North-east, 8 –- West and 9 —- North. Got them?”

“My auntie’s 79 years old, born in 1935. That means –- ”

I hold my sides, my ribs aching.

Sifu Sabrina turns away from Sakura for a moment to stifle a giggle. “No, the auspicious directions refer to the male partner. More specifically, it should be called descendants’ direction.”

“Her husband’s born in 1976, 38 years old. That means his kua number is 8. So, those symbols should be placed in the west?”

Eyes squinting, lit with an inner glow, Sifu Sabrina flashes a wide grin. “Righto!”

/end

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Bombshell Wati of Hot Legs Niteclub says sleeping naked has benefits




[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

“Wati, I bought lingerie for you,” Hussein says. “Got it online from Victoria’s Secret.” He lays the packet on Wati's lap.

“Please don’t give me any lingerie, Hussein. I sleep naked.” Wati (pix above) returns the package to Hussein, his face scarred with disappointment.

“Is the lingerie free-size?” Chow Kah asks, sitting beside Jessica (pix below), clad in a simple tee-shirt.

“Yup.”

“I’ll buy it from you,” Chow Kah says with a twinkle in his eyes, “and give it to Jessica.”

“Sorry darling, I’m not interested,” Jessica says. “I’m not going to fall for the second oldest trick in the book.” She folds her arms and leans back on the sofa.

“What’s that trick?” I ask.


“When a man gives lingerie to a girl, the next thing is he’ll ask the girl to wear it for him to see. You know, excuses like whether it fits her, whether it looks good on her. In short, he just wants to see lots of flesh. Out of obligation, some girls will sometimes comply just to please the giver.”

Chow Kah blushes, takes a gulp of his Asahi Premium Beer and smiles sheepishly. “Darling, I didn’t know you’re so worldly.”

“Why you sleep naked, Wati? “ I ask, grabbing a handful of salted peanuts.

“There’re many benefits of sleeping naked. First, there’re less clothes to wash. And I don’t need to buy pajamas. Another benefit is that my sleeping time is kept constant. For some people, the ritual of changing into pajamas can become earlier and earlier. Once a person is in pajamas, he or she will likely to be sedentary. That means productive time is eaten away.”

“True, true,” Chow Kah says. “Once, I’m in pajamas after having taken dinner, I’m in bed reading.” He takes the remote and dims the lights. “Let’s talk in a romantic ambiance.”


“Then, there’s the benefit of getting a sound sleep,” Wati adds. "Sometimes, waist elastic-bands that are a bit tight can divert attention from falling sleep.”

She rises to her feet, steps to the hi-fi and presses a button. Saxy jazz seeps from the speakers and sexy girls come alive on the TV screen with lyrics flowing across but nobody is singing. She returns to her former spot on the sofa beside Hussein.

“Yes, drawstrings can be a hindrance,” Chow Kah says.

“You wear pajamas with drawstrings?” I ask, popping a few salted nuts into my mouth.

“Yes.”

“Risky!” exclaims Hussein. “If you’re having diarrhoea, it can hinder you rushing to the toilet.” He chuckles. “It happened to me once. I rushed to my wife’s Singer sewing machine, took out a pair of scissors and cut the drawstrings!”

Wati adds, “Sleeping naked also allows your skin to breathe better. Ageing is delayed. You also save on electricity. I always time my air-con to switch off at 4 am.”

“What a smart girl,” Jessica purrs.

“Another benefit is that it makes me feel confident about my body. My self-esteem is boosted as I feel good about my body. Couples will, of course, have sex more often –- better bonding between husband and wife.”

“My first wife also sleeps naked,” Hussein says, a toothpick dangling from his lips. “But she still has low self-esteem and I don’t have sex with her more often.”

“Why?” Chow Kah asks.

“She’s so fat, she can't find pajamas to fit her size!”

/end

Friday, October 17, 2014

Sexy Wati of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke says that fat men make better lovers



[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]


The door of the karaoke room swings open and a Myanmar waiter walks in and places a plate of chicken tortilla wraps on the coffee table.

Jessica, Chow Kah, Wati and I lean forward to take a piece each, and we start to munch. Soft sentimental music is seeping from the China-made Tymphany speakers.

Wati (left pix) asks, “Hussein, why are you not eating?” Tonight, she is wearing fishnet stockings and heels, and a halter-top red dress which hugs her body, displaying her slopes and curves.

Hussein takes a drag from his Sampoerna cigarette. “I don’t want to gain more weight. My fourth wife said I’ve got a slight paunch."

“Never mind, darling, fat men make better lovers.”

“Baloney!” exclaims Jessica (pix below). She is garbed in a blue dress flattering her full breasts and tapered waist.

Wati sits up straight. “No kidding everybody. According to the International Journal of Impotence Research published in –-"

I ask with my mouth full, “When did you start reading medical journals?”

Wati smiles. “Ever since a few fatty clients started sending roses to me, I’ve been reading articles on fat guys.” She takes a sip of her Shirley Temple, drooping her eyelashes provocatively as the sweet-piquant concoction floods her mouth.


Hussein flashes a jealous look at Wati. “Obviously to find out whether there's any advantage in marrying a fat guy.”

“Which issue is the journal?” asks Chow Kah.

“Volume 20 of 2010 edition.” Wati dabs at her mouth with a tissue paper. “The article reported that researchers at Erciyes University in Kayseri, Turkey completed a yearlong study to find any correlation between body mass index and male sexual performance. They found that overweight men with beer guts lasted five minutes longer compared to skinny men. The fatsos’ performance in the study group lasted an average of 7.3 minutes.” She rises to her feet, brushes tortilla crumbs off her lap and runs her hands through her hair (pix below).

“Wow!” Chow Kah exclaims, crooking his eyebrows. “That means if he makes love 70 times a year, that would amount to more than eight hours! Phew…almost like a working day!”


“So what?” sneers Jessica. “Fatsos are notorious for having a small plonker. Theirs are probably covered with a thick layer of fat! That’s why they feel less sensation.”

She crosses her legs at the knees; the hem of her dress rides up and I can see goose bumps on her creamy thighs due to the cold air-conditioning.

Chow Kah burps slightly and brings his hand to his mouth. “No, the willy’s made of muscle and spongy tissue, no fat.” He bends to the coffee table and takes another piece of chicken tortilla wrap.

I ask, “Wati, did the article mention the reason for the longer performance.”

“Yes, according to the scientists, fat guys have more estradiol, a hormone that helps to inhibit orgasm.”

“See?” Jessica says with a sparkle in her eyes. “The reason is along the lines of what I’ve said earlier.”

“A lardo has another plus as a lover,” Wati adds. “Cuddling a skinny man is like hugging a skeleton. Embracing a fatso’s akin to hugging a teddy bear.”

“What about the con?” retorts Jessica. “Fat men are more prone to impotence than men with normal weight. This finding was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2010.”

“Ladieees, discussion on this topic is now closed,” Chow Kah says. “We sing after we finish eating.”

/end


MY LATEST NOVEL



MY BEST-SELLING NON-FICTION




/end


Monday, October 13, 2014

Thai Fish Farm Restaurant – dog-friendly and disabled-friendly – serves fairly scrumptious fare



{Pixs copyright Ewe Paik Leong}

Bubble joined my family for an outing again -- this time to Thai Fish Farm Restaurant in Hulu Langat. As it also doubles as a chicken and vegetable farm, during my drive there, I had visions of him chasing squawking chickens but it didn’t happen. Anyway, at least, he saw a few live chickens from afar.


Located in a lush valley, the restaurant comprises several thatched structures standing on stilts in a pond. Once inside the restaurant, we passed the grilling section, a dessert kiosk and the kitchen. Fussy eaters are well-catered for as the laminated A3-size menu lists more than 50 items. I left the ordering to my missus and walked around to snap several pictures. At the dessert kiosk, you can buy mango sticky rice and other Thai snacks. Other retail sections sell fresh vegetables, farm chicken and seafood.


The slipper lobster was nicely presented and the butter contrasted well with the texture of the lobster meat. The pandan chicken was a bit dry and the pandan aroma was weak. Only when dipped in a sourish sauce, did its taste improve a notch. The seafood tom yam was spicy.



After our meal, I made a trip to the loo with a tinge of wariness. However, the toilets, constructed of thick aluminium walls and doors, were quite clean and paper was supplied. There’s even one designed for the disabled.

Ambience: 4/5. Food: 3.5/5



Getting there:
Thai Fish Farm is located 1 km after the now-closed Ampang Lookout Point. Travel along Jalan Ampang past Ampang Point and Ampang Waterfront. Turn right at the Satay Station traffic-light junction. Further ahead, you will pass AEON. Proceed for two or three kilometers and turn left to Jalan Taman Putra. Signboards will lead you to the restaurant. Contact Eugene Ng at 019-2606493 if necessary.

/end