Monday, May 2, 2016

The Gang of Four discuss about vibrators!

[Pixs of models for illustration only]

His face beaming with amusement, Chow Ask asks, “Why is a vibrator like a piece of tofu?”

“Eh?” I scratch my head. “No idea.” I see blank looks on the faces of Jessica, Wati and Hussein across the table.   

“Because they’re meat substitutes!”

The Gang of Four (Chow Kah & Jessica; Hussein & Wati) and I are having supper at Jalan Alor after a drinking binge at Hot Legs Karaoke & Niteclub. An unending stream of pedestrians are walking past our table, and vehicles are crawling like rats without legs on the drag. 

Hussein tosses his gaze at Wati (pix above). “When’s your birthday, darling?”

Wati purses her lip in a tease. “Why?”

“I’ll buy a vibrator as a birthday present for you.”

“Thanks but no thanks!" Wati  looks at Hussein in the eye. "If you give me one, I’ll use it on your asshole!”

Jessica (pix below) casts her gaze at Chow Kah.  “Hey, why’s everybody talking about vibrators?’

Chow Kah picks up a  roasted chestnut. "Haven't you heard the latest about vibrators?" He cracks the chestnut and pops its seed into his mouth. 

Jessica runs a hand through her tresses. “What about?" She spears a squid ring and starts to chew on it.

“Watson Malaysia is now selling vibrators.” Chow Kah raises four fingers. “There’re four models to choose from, and they also sell lubricants!”

“Eeeeek!” Jessica scrunches her face and puts her fork down. “That's disgusting! What kind of women will buy vibrators?” She takes a sip of her water melon juice. 

Wati flashes a sly grin. “Old over-sexed makcik! You know, old widows or divorcees. Also married women with husbands who are impotent or have small dicks! Sexually liberated women may also buy them to -- to" she lets out a little-girl giggle -- "to fuck themselves!"

Hussein wags a finger. “It’s not fair! If  women can buy vibrators, men should have access to sex dolls! But sale of sex dolls in Malaysia is banned.”

“Amitofu! I'm sorry to interrupt.” I turn to see a monk clad in a saffron robe standing near our table. A pair of shades hides his eyes (pix below).   

“My name’s Reverend Somsak from Wat Phra Singrai in Setapak, KL.” He whips off his sunglasses. “I was sipping beer, er -- plain water at the next table when I overheard your animated discussion about vibrators. So, allow me to give my two cents' worth.” His eyes bulge as he stares at Wati’s cleavage (pix below). “A woman’s valley of love should only be penetrated by her husband’s jade shaft. Penetration by anything else constitutes sexual misconduct.” He shifts his gaze to Jessica. “Using a vibrator tantamounts to adultery. And that’s against Buddhist precepts.” Eyes focused on Jessica, he pauses and licks his lips. “By the way, any of you want to donate to my temple?”

I fumble into my wallet, take out some money notes and stretch out my hand.

Reverend Somsak folds his arms across his chest. “Please, I cannot touch money! That's against Monastic Codes." He gestures to a bag hanging from his shoulder. “So, please drop your money into my bag.”

Rising from our chairs, Chow Kah and I step forward and slip our donations into the cloth bag hanging from the monk's shoulder.  
“Thank you! I’m planning to install a gold statue of Lord Buddha in my temple. That'll earn me a tremendous amount of good merits." Reverend Somsak displays a row of crooked teeth in a lecherous grin (right pix). "With those accumulated merits, I hope Lord Buddha will grant my wish to be re-incarnated as a vibrator!”
"Your owner," Jessica retorts, "could be a seventy-year old granny!"


Thursday, April 7, 2016

PR consultant Paulina Phuar advises job-seeker Jeff how to jazz up his resume

“Jeff, what’s your problem?” Paulina Phuar (pix above), KL’s top PR consultant, looks at him over the rim of her glasses.  Seated across her desk is Jeff Koh, wearing a t-shirt and an ear-ring.  

“I graduated last year but I’m still jobless.” He opens a file and pulls out a sheet of paper. “Here’s my resume. Can you help me to improve on it?” He puts the paper in front of Paulina.

“Sure.” Paulina looks down at Jeff’s resume for a moment and flicks her gaze at him. “I notice you’re tall so for a start, you can add that you’ve good leadership qualities.”

Jeff scribbles down what Paulina says in a spiral-bound notebook.

“What about your social life? Any church activities? Any voluntary work? Any girlfriend?

“Nope, no girlfriend.” Jeff shakes his head. “I cannot even get a bearded lady for a date, so I only go drinking with male friends. Every weekend I’m out till the wee hours. We can get pretty rowdy in a pub. You know, crack dirty jokes, play darts.”

“You’re too ugly to get a girlfriend, eh?” A crimp wrinkles Paulina’s nose as she ponders for a moment. “But we can twist that into an asset. Say you give work top priority and relegate social life to the backseat. Also add that you can stay back long hours even after midnight if necessary to meet tight deadlines.” She fingers the side of her face and grins (right pix). "Who's to know if you're swilling beer late at night in the office?" 

Jeff’s mobile phone beeps and he dips his hand into his trouser pocket to take it out. “Excuse me.” He reads the sms on his moby and jabs a few buttons to reply.

Paulina snaps her fingers. “Why, of course! You can also include that you’ve excellent written communications skills.” She flicks a downward gaze. "I don't see that in your resume."

Jeff writes down Paulina’s advice.
“Just now you mentioned cracking dirty jokes, right?” Paulina purses her lips. “Add that you've a healthy sense of humour that helps build rapport with co-workers.” She leans back in her leather swivel chair which creaks. “Which in turn builds teamwork." She steeples her hands. "So, Jeff, I wish you the best of luck in your job hunt with your improved resume.”


Saturday, April 2, 2016

Jessica and Wati discuss whether beards are attractive to women

Hussein saunters from the entrance of Healy Mac Irish Bar & Restaurant to the table inside where I am seated with Jessica, Wati and Chow Kah. He is donned in a brown short-sleeved shirt and rust-coloured khaki pants.    

“Holy cow!” Wati (pix above) exclaims, flicking her gaze from the plates of finger food on the table to Hussein’s face. “Why’re you wearing a beard?”

Hussein plops into a chair beside Wati. “Busy! Too busy to shave!” He takes a squid ring from a plate and pops it into his mouth.

Chow Kah raises a brow. “My goodness, a beard makes a man looks like he’s homeless!”

“Not exactly right.” Jessica crosses her legs, causing all male eyes in the restaurant to bulge as her garter belts are exposed in the slit of her dress. “Stubble makes a man appear sexy!”

“Oh really?” Hussein smirks. “Proof?” He nudges Wati and takes a sip of Sangria through a straw from her glass.

Jessica (pix above) tucks curls of stray hair behind her ears. “Researchers at the University of New South Wales did a study on whether beards are attractive to women." She props an elbow on the table. "A group of women were shown photographs of men who were clean-shaven, lightly or heavily stubbled and fully bearded. They were asked to rate how attractive they find the different types of beard. Faces with heavy stubble were rated as most attractive and heavy beards, light stubble and clean-shaven faces were less attractive. The results were published in Evolution and Human Behavior in May 2013 issue.”

“No wonder!” Hussein jerks upright, his eyes sparkling like black opals.

“No wonder what?” Wati spears a spring roll and bites off a piece.

“Just now, a pretty woman blew a kiss at me! She must have found my stubbled face sexy!”

“What woman?” Wati jerks a thumb to her left. “That Mat Salleh woman over there? The one holding a beer bottle? (pix below)” Her face is flushed with jealousy.  

Chow Kah hikes his chin and sneers. “Bearded men  make look sexy but they won’t go to heaven.”

“Why you say that?” I run a finger down the glass of my mango margarita for want of something to do.

A smile twists on Chow Kah's lips. “I’ve never seen any pictures of angels with beards before!”

“Actually, bearded men look lecherous!" Jessica's lips curl in disgust. "They’re also lecherous!”

I flick my gaze at Jessica. “Why you say that?”

"A bad experience." A wrinkle crimps her nose.  “Last week, I was in a dance club in Mont Kiara. It was almost 3 am, and I just came out of the toilet.” A pause as she looks round the table. “I walked up to a bearded bouncer and asked to see the manager. Eyes filled with lust, he lifted my hands to his beard and asked why. I said I’ve a message for the manager. The bearded man started to kiss my hands, then he sucked my fingers. All in full view of the other patrons. What message, he asked. I said that in the ladies toilet, there’s no toilet paper and no liquid soap.”  

Wati (pix above) releases a little-girl giggle, rolls her eyes upward and slaps her thighs. “Actually, there’re contradicting survey results with beards. In collaboration with Tinder, Gillette conducted a new survey to find out whether bearded guys are preferred by women. The results are interesting.”

“What’s Tinder?” I ask.

“An online dating App.”

“You can read the results on shavetest dot com.” Wati casts a side glance at Hussein.  “Generally, girls preferred well-groomed men to scruffy men, according to the survey.”

Hussein rises to his feet, his happy expression fizzling faster than foam on  Chow Kah's mug of Grolsch. “Excuse me, I need to go to the gents for a quick shave.” He looks out the wide entrance.  “I think there’s a 7-Eleven across the road that sells disposable razors!”


WTF! Menu snatched away from my hands at Daorae Korean BBQ!

I am currently writing on bibimbap for New Straits Times. Last Saturday (26 March), I went to Daorae Korean BBQ in Kepong to try their bibimbap. After placing my order, I placed the menu on my lap and took a few shots with my camera.  As I was flipping the pages, a shit-eating and cock-sucking Korean man [I normally don't use expletives in my writing but I'll make a very rare exception this time] with pepper hair stepped up from behind and snatched away the menu!  He didn't even bother to ask why I was taking photos!  Mr. Knucklehead, you think I want to feature your restaurant in New Straits Times after your display of sheer rudeness?


Lot 17-1-2, Jalan Metro Perdana 7
Taman Usahawan, Kepong
Kuala Lumpur


Sunday, March 20, 2016

Women tend to fall in love with their ears, says Angie Ang, Penang’s romance consultant

 “Thanks for coming, Mr. Tony Tze.” Angie offers her right hand. “What’s your problem?”

Tony grasps Angie’s hand lightly and plunks down in the visitor’s chair. “No girlfriend!” His lips dip in a disappointed curve. “I wonder what’s wrong with me?”

Angie assesses Tony through mascaraed eyes. “You’re a college graduate? Got stable job?”

“I’m a draughtsman. Love dancing and adventure sports.”

“Any typical male vice? Drinking, smoking, gambling?”

Tony gives a shake of his head. “I’m a homely person. Social drinker, non-smoker and non-gambler.”  In Angie’s mind, his voice conjures up an image of a trapped rat squeaking in a cage.

“The problem is your voice!”

“Oh? What’s wrong with it?

“It’s too squeaky. Women are attracted to men with deep voices. Evolution has programmed  women to select  a mate with a deep voice as it indicates genetic fitness. Having said that, men with deep voices don’t necessary win all the time in the marriage stake. A few women perceive baritone-voiced men as cheaters or Casanovas; therefore, they regard such men as only suitable for a fling. On the other side of the coin, a male voice that’s too husky turns women off as it projects aggressiveness. To moderate a husky voice, a man should control his voice to be breathy." 

“What you've said supported by scientific research?”

“Yes! MacMaster University, Aberdeen University and Northumbria University have conducted studies on the attractiveness of male voices to women. Their results have been consistent." Angie adjusts her spectacles with a forefinger. “As an aside, women with high-pitched voices and men with deep voices have also been found to be more promiscuous.  They’re also likely to be sexually active at a younger age.”

Tony wrings his hands. “Great balls of fire! I must start looking for women with high-pitched voices!” The ends of his lips tip upward in a grin. “But first, how can I improve my voice?”

“Why don’t you check out wikihow dot com? There’s an article that teaches you how to improve your voice. So, other things being equal, a man with a rich voice has an edge in romance over the squeaky-voiced man.” Angie stands up and extends her hand. “Best of luck!” Her high-pitched voice flows like sweet warm honey that sends a tingle down Tony’s crotch.


Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Wati’s soup kitchen feeds half-a-dozen stray cats every morning

“Caring for stray animals gives me lots of self-satisfaction,” Wati says. “Every morning, the first thing I do is to feed the clowder of stray cats at the back of my house. Be kind to animals and God will be kind to you when you leave this world. My message to those who are filthy rich – please donate as much as you can to animal shelters.”


Sunday, March 6, 2016

Top naughty spas in Kuantan

Songkhla Thai Massage
Jalan Putra Square 3
Putra Square

Body Care Massage Centre
Jalan Putra Square 6
Putra Square

Lorong Tun Ismail 12
(same row with New Horizon and 4D Magnum)

Newspa Traditional Centre
Jalan Putra Square 7
Putra Square 

Dream Spa
Lorong Galing 2
Off Jalan Haji Ahmad

Hotel Grand Continenal
Jalan Gambut, Kuantan

New Orogon Body Massage
No. B-16, 1st Floor,
Jalan Seri Kuantan 80
Star City, Kuantan.