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Monday, August 15, 2016

Chow Kah meets an old flame at his school’s reunion dinner




A pimply-faced waitress comes to our table and places a platter of fried rice in the centre. “Can I clear?” she asks.

Chow Kah nods. “Yes, please do.” He gestures to me. “Come, Ewe, help yourself. This is the last dish.” He flicks a gaze at Sifu Sabrina (pix above), sitting beside me. “Sifu Sabrina, let me serve you as your host.”

“Thank you.” Flashing a smile warmer than the outside night, Sifu Sabrina pushes her plate forward slightly. “This is not the last dish, there’s dessert coming.”

Chow Kah, Sifu Sabrina and I are in a restaurant housed in a shoplot in Persiaran Mewah in Bandar Tun Razak, Cheras, KL.  The occasion is a school-reunion dinner and Chow Kah invited Sifu Sabrina and I as guests. Sitting across me is Mr Lawrence Quek, Chow Kah’s former class teacher, and a few of his ex-schoolmates.

“How was Chow Kah as a student?” I ask Mr Quek, an obese man in his fifties.

Mr Quek’s jowls wobble as he speaks, “Chow Kah was the class Romeo. He was popular with the girls, but he studied hard.” He picks up a piece of serviette and wipes the corner of his mouth, then pats sweat off his bald pate at the back of his head.

Chow Kah and his ex-schoolmates continue to talk about old times, and Sifu Sabrina and I eat silently. Minutes later, when a waitress arrives to deposit a big bowl of almond jelly on the table, I hear the MC announce, “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Hua Hin High School Harmonica Quartet! They’ll perform the Tennessee Waltz and Let’s Twist Again.”

The dining hall erupts into applause and the melodious strains of four harmonicas float in the air.  A few men and women take to the small dance floor. Everyone at our table turn our heads to look at the harmonica quartet in action.




In the midst of the first song, Chow Kah puts down his chopsticks. “I’m going to the loo.” He pulls the napkin from his lap, rises to his feet and steps to one side. Then he tosses the napkin on his chair and goes away.

When the second song is being played, Chow Kah returns and nudges me with his elbow. “Ewe, I bumped into an old flame outside the toilet. Wow! She’s still as hot as ever! I shot a pix of her just now.” He grabs his glass of beer and tips its contents down his throat. “Want to see her pix? I’ll whatsapp it to you. Her name’s Emily Soo.” He takes out his mobile and fiddles with it. “Done.” He bolts to his feet. “Excuse me, Emily and I agreed to meet in the park across the road.  A romantic stroll under the moonlight! Oh boy!” He hurries away.

“Enjoy yourself.” I nod and smile. “Thanks for the dinner.”

Mr. Lawrence Quek looks away from the stage and notices that Chow Kah’s missing. “Eh? Has Chow Kah left? He didn’t even say goodbye.”

“He met a former female schoolmate. They’re going to the park across the road for a chat.”

“What park? There’s no park around here.” Surprise makes Mr Quek scrunch his brows. “And who’s this female schoolmate?”

“Emily Soo.” I pull out my mobile phone and open the photo file Chow Kah sent me. “That’s her.” I show the screen of my mobile to the people sitting across me.

Mr Quek’s face turns ashen. “Sweet suffering saints! That’s Emily, alright, but she died in a car accident two years ago!”

“Eeeeeeek!” a pixie-faced woman sitting next to Mr Quek gasps in horror. “Now I remember! Emily’s buried in the Kwantung Cemetery across the road!”  Her lips start to quiver.  “S-she’s taking your friend to Hell!”



Sifu Sabrina (pix above) taps my shoulder. “Take my Chung Kwei pendant! You’ve to stop him from following her!” She lifts the pendant from her neck and hands it to me.  “I’m going to give you back-up protection! So, don't be scared.” She bolts to her feet and rushes to the standing mike. She starts to sing a Buddhist mantra! She takes the mike off its stand, holds it in one hand and moves to the control console. Then she turns the volume of the speakers FULL.  Her melodic voice bounces off the walls of the restaurant:

Namo ratna-trayaya
Namo ariya-valokite-svaraya
Bodhi-sattvaya Maha-sattvaya Maha-karunikaya
Om sarva rabhaye sudhanadasya
Namo skritva imam
arya-valokite-svara ramdhava
Namo narakindi hrih Maha-vadha-sva-me
Sarva-arthato-subham ajeyam
Sarva-sata Namo-vasat Namo-vaka mavitato
Tadyatha
Om avaloki-lokate-karate-e-hrih Maha-bodhisattva
Sarva sarva…

I clutch Sabrina’s Chung Kwei pendant (right pix) in one hand and step out of the restaurant. Standing on the road shoulder, I peer across the other side. In the semi-darkness, I can make out a stretch of tall hedge and realize that the cemetery starts just over the hedge.  

“Chow Kah!” I shout above Sabrina's singing of the mantra which is still audible outside. “Chow Kah! Come back!”

A passing car throws beams of lights on the road, and I see Chow Kah walking through a gap in the hedge to head back to the restaurant. As he gets closer to me after having crossed the road, I ask, “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” His eyes look dazed.

I look down at his hands. “Jesus Christ!” My jaw slackens and a chill runs down my spine. “Do you know what you’re holding in your hands?”

Chow Kah looks down stupidly at his own hands. “What?  Eeeeeeeeek! Why am I holding a paper brassiere and a paper panty!" He drops both items and we skedaddle back to the restaurant.

/end

Friday, August 5, 2016

Sifu Sabrina gives little-known tips to keep out of trouble during the Chinese Ghost Month




“Any tips for my readers to stay out of trouble during Ghost Month, Sifu Sabrina (pix above)?” I cross my legs and rest my hands on my lap. “Not those taboos which everybody knows like don’t swim, don’t start a new business, don’t hold wedding dinners, don’t hang clothes out to dry at night, postpone medical operations and so forth.” My gaze lingers on her flawless features. “Some of the lesser-known precautions to take.”

Sitting across me, Sifu Sabrina scoots forward in her chair and rests her arms on her desk. “Don’t wear a red dress and high-heeled shoes at the same time, especially at night.” Her gaze melds with mine for a moment. “Because red attracts ghosts and walking with one’s heels not touching the ground is akin to hopping like a zombie.”

“How high is considered high?”



Sifu Sabrina lifts one foot upward (pix above). “See? This is considered high.”

“Er, it’s time you wax your legs.”

She puts her foot down. “Women should not wax their legs during the Ghost Month!”

My eyebrows arch in surprise. “Why?”

She picks up a ball pen. “Women should also not pluck their eyebrows during this month. Hair provides an additional layer of protection against yin energy.” She starts to twirl the ball pen through her fingers.

“I see.”



“Also don’t order any white and black suits from the tailor this month. Like tuxedos, for instance. Black and white are associated with funerals.” She puts the ball pen down.  “Women with bangs should pin it high when they sleep. The aura on a person’s forehead is important in deterring possession by an evil spirit. When a person's luck is bad, every positive element helps.”

Sabrina snaps her fingers. “Now, I remember something else regarding clothes. A biker should avoid jackets or clothes with pictures of skulls and bones. Spirits may mistake him or her  as one of them and take the biker home to Hell!”

“Holy cow! That’s scary!” I release an exhale. "What else?"

“If admission to hospital is unavoidable because of illness, leave the lights in the room on when sleeping. The mortuary of every hospital is filled to the brim with lurking spirits. They're eagar to seek new victims as replacements. For homes, it is also preferable to leave the front porch lights on for this entire month. On your person, carry a Chung Kwei pendant. This deity is the ultimate terminator of evil spirits!" Her lips curve into a beautiful smile. "Eeeeeeeeeek!"  She leaps up from her chair. “Something touched my legs! Might be a ghost!”




I look underneath her desk. “It’s a cute cat!”

Sifu Sabrina looks downward (pix above). “Oh, it’s my Kitty!”

/end

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Adopting a dog or cat presents an opportunity to bring in good luck, says Sifu Sabrina




“If you’re adopting a dog or cat from an animal shelter, or saving a stray from the street, take this opportunity to bring luck to yourself,” says Sifu Sabrina (pix above). “Give the animal a name that denotes riches or fortune.  Examples are Goldie, Golddust, Huatchai, Fattchoy, Pohpoh, Ruby and so forth. Never give the animal a name that is homomymous with something negative or associated with something bad. For example, Blackie is not a good name for a dog even if the animal is black because this colour is associated with death."   

/end

Friday, July 29, 2016

Blame the Fire Monkey for spate of violence in the country, says Sifu Sabrina




“Why’re there so many violent crimes of late?” I ask Sifu Sabrina (pix above), sitting across me in Lot 10 Hutong, a fantastic food court in Bukit Bintang, KL.

Sifu Sabrina looks up from her bowl of noodles. “The Fire Monkey is to be blamed for the recent wave of violence in the country.” She licks her lips. “The Monkey is already a restless and energetic animal. Add the Fire element to it and it becomes super-charged and volatile. People become agitated easily and act unpredictably. Anger and hostility and impulse decisions reign supreme this year.” She delivers strands of noodles to her mouth with chopsticks, starts to chew and talks with her mouth full. “The last Fire Monkey year was 1956. World events in 1956 were also pretty violent. Some of the global events were Egypt’s blockage of Suez Canal, Pakistan becoming an Islamic Republic, Fidel Castro starting the Cuban Revolution, Russian invading Hungary and much, much more.”

I put down my spoon. “Who will win? Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump?” I lift my glass of fruit juice to my lips and take a sip.

“Let’s look at the numerology aspect of this year. Add 2+0+1+6 =9. Nine is the last digit of a cycle. It signifies ending, cleansing and a new beginning. Veteran politicians will go, new political parties will be formed, and new political leaders will get elected. Trump is a newbie in politics. He has a fair chance of winning."

/end 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Fatty Loong Ice Kacang one of the best in Kuala Lumpur




At 1:00 pm, I call Fatty Loong’s mobile number, and he answers. “Wai?
“Are you open for business today?”
“Yes, open until 11pm.”
I’m impressed that despite being busy, he still answers an unknown call.
His ais kacang is one of the best in town as the ingredients are perfectly balanced.
The stall is in a small hawker centre that once used to be famous for roast duck.







Address:
Jalan Kepong Baru/Jalan Antoi 3 junction
Kepong Baru
Kuala Lumpur
Closed on Tuesday

HP: 016-6061566

/end

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

"Kudos to our Royal Malaysian Police for arresting the perpetrators of the Puchong grenade attack" says Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Nightclub & Karaoke




[Photo credit: nst.com.my]

“Congratulations to our police, especially the anti-terrorism division, for having arrested the cowards of the grenade attack on innocent patrons in Movida pub in Puchong,” says Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke in Kuala Lumpur. “These useless scums should not be allowed to endanger civil society again.  RMP Boleh!” He takes a cigar and lights it with a shiny money note. “I’ve doubled security at my nightclub Hot Legs. So, please come enjoy without any worries for your safety.” He takes a deep draw of his cigar and blows smoke rings in the air.   



According local news reports, Imam Wahyudin Karjono, 20, and Jonius Ondie @ Jahali, 24, pleaded guilty in the KL Sessions Courts to committing all nine offences of bombing the pub, injuring the eight people and possession of the hand grenade. 

/end


Monday, July 25, 2016

Why politicians never learn from the downfall of fellow politicians because of women?
















"History repeats itself, this time in Singapore." I say to Chow Kah. "A politican's career has gone to the bollocks because of  a woman. I just read on the Internet that PAP Member of  Parliament David Ong has resigned because of an alleged affair with Wendy Lim, a fellow party-worker. Both David and Wendy are married." 

“What?” Chow Kah exclaims. “I never knew a half-bald man can also sian chabor.

"Come on, you don't need hair to sian chabor," I say. "You only need a sweet-talking mouth."

“Christ! That married woman can fall for him?” Jessica’s jaw drops. “His face looks like it has been used as a door mat. See the blurred image of Wendy's husband? At least, he still got hair on his head!"



For details, please go to this link:

/end