Friday, July 3, 2015

Sifu Sabrina gives Sakura Siew feng shui tips for a healthy sex life

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Sifu Sabrina (pix above) crosses her legs and leans forward on her desk. “What advice you need, Madam Siew?”

“Advice for a healthy sex life.” Sakura (right pix below) spreads out her hands. “I've no sex life but I’m not frigid. The problem is my husband.” She shifts slightly in her seat and the chair creaks.

I flick a side glance at her. “Is your husband (right pix) suffering from ED?”

“Not exactly. He works late and by the time he retires to bed, he’s exhausted. On weekends, he’s out drinking with friends. When he staggers home after midnight, he says he’s prefers to sleep.”

I study Sifu Sabrina’s face. “These could be excuses or a genuine disinterest in sex.”

Sakura purses her lips. “Yes, possibly a diminished libido because of age.”

Sabrina arches an eyebrow. “How old is he?”

“Eighty. And skinny as well.”

“Have you double-boiled ginseng for him?”

Sakura nods. “Yes, I’ve. Once a fortnight. But the side-effect is heatiness resulting in headaches.”

“In that case, try seahorse. According to my sinseh friend, Master Mah, seahorse is also an aphrodisiac, and is less heaty compared to ginseng.” Sabrina takes a sip of tea from the porcelain cup in front of her. “From the feng shui aspect, you’ve to check whether any poisoned arrows are pointing at the bed.”

Sakura sits upright. “Poisoned arrow? What’s that?”

“In feng shui, it refers to anything sharp or angular. It can be the corner of a writing desk or a closet. Also, the bed should not directly face the door. The bed itself is important. Go for a bed with a headboard; it signifies strong sexual relationship. Don’t sleep on a water bed. Since water flows, your husband may run away from you.” She pauses. “To activate the sex chi, you can display an erotic painting or a sculpture of lovers having sex in the northeast corner of the bedroom. If you so prefer, a painting of a pair of Mandarin ducks will also do. On the other hand, avoid electronic items in the bedroom.”

Sakura exhales a breath. “Such as?”

“TV, computers, laptops, hi-fi.” Sabrina rests her hands on the arms of her swivel chair. “Open your bedroom windows at least once a week to let stale air out. Let the sunlight charge your bed with positive energy. You can also set the mood by dressing up for the role."

Sakura takes out her mobile from her purse and jabs a few buttons. “Here’s my selfie in lingerie.” Her brows scrunch. “You mean dress in a seductive manner like this?” She shows the screen of her mobile to Sifu Sabrina.

“That’s right.”

"Ewe, take a look." Sakura leans sideways, allowing me to peek at her photo (pix below), and my jaw drops. “So, what else should I do, Sifu Sabrina?” She replaces her mobile in her purse.

“Burn essential oils like ylang ylang either in the bedroom or bathroom when he’s taking a shower.” Sifu Sabrina leans back in her chair and folds hear arms. “As a last resort, put a red carpet under your bed. Red should amp up his yang energy.”


Three months later, I phone Sifu Sabrina.

“So, any feedback from Sakura?”

“Yes, the aftermath was earth-shattering."

“How do you mean?”

“He made them pregnant.”

“Them? Who’re you referring to?”

“Sakura, Sakura’s Filipina maid, and their sixty-year old neighbour –- all three of them are pregnant.”

"Holy cow!" I drop my mobile, shaken by the news.


Sunday, June 28, 2015

Please donate to Pak Mie's widow to help her continue run her late husband's animal shelter, says Jessica

[Pix above courtesy of Malaysian Insider/Hasnoor Hussain]

"Mak Intan, whose real name is Halijah Idris," says Jessica, "is continuing the selfless, humanitarian work of her late husband by running his animal shelter. Please donate generously to help her. Her Public Bank Account number is 68368860-36. God bless you! May Halijah Idris be blessed with a long, long life."


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Writing Tip #2: The grass is not greener in America for novelists

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Ten highest-earning American authors in 2013

(1) E. L. James -- US$95 million
(2) James Patterson -- US$91 million
(3) Suzanne Collins -- US$55 million
(4) Bill O-Reilley – US$28 million
(5) Danielle Steel – US$26 million
(6) Jeff Kinney – US$24 million
(7) Janet Evanovich – US$24 million
(8) Nora Roberts – US$23 million
(9) Dan Brown – US$22 million
(10) Stephen King – US$20 million


Here’s the downside:

Number of fiction books published in 2012:
-- 67,254 for adult fiction
-- 2,200 for young adult, and
-- 13,297 for juvenile fiction.

Number of active novelists:
-- 200,000 for the whole country
-- Texas alone has 9,000 writers


By way of interest, population of Muar is 201,148; Nilai, 200,999 (2010 census). So, what're the chances of getting rich as a novelist in America?


Saturday, June 20, 2015

Beware of the characteristics of married women and men who’re more likely to cheat, warns Jessica

(Pixs of models for illustration purpose only

Jessica (pix above) flicks her gaze at Chow Kah, seated beside her. “What’s your wife doing when you’re here?”

Chow Kah leans forward and lifts his mug from the coffee table. “At home watching TV. Maybe surfing the Internet.” He swallows a gulp, puts the mug down and Jessica pours more beer into it.

“You should not neglect your wife. A husband who neglects the physical, emotional and mental needs of his wife stands the risk of being cuckolded. Women’re catching up with men in terms of infidelity.”

I cast a glance at Jessica and nod.

Chow Kah interlaces his fingers and rests his hands on his lap. “I’ve no problems with my other half. We’re happy.”

Hussein, sitting across me, cuts in. “Me too! I’m happily married to all four wives!” He spits a few water-melon seeds to his palm and throws them in the thrash basket at his feet.

I show Hussein a thumb-up and a grin tugs at the corners of his mouth. Sitting beside him, Wati (pix below) scowls and leans back on the sofa.

Jessica bunches her eyebrows. “Is she an outgoing person who likes to try new things?”

“Why you ask?”

“Dr. Tricia Orzeck, a Canadian psychologist, found that women who were more prone to cheat were those who were more extrovert and more open to new experiences. Her research paper titled ‘Big Five Personality Differences Between Cheaters and Non-cheaters' was published in the journal Current Psychology in 2005."

“Holy cow!” Hussein slashes his fingers through his hair. “That means a man should avoid marrying a woman with such traits!”

Wati wags her finger. “A woman is less likely to cheat if she enjoys a happy relationship with her hubby. On the other hand, a man can even have a fling irrespective of his level of satisfaction with his wife. His winkie controls him, not his brain! Women who have affairs are often unhappily married."

“Says who?” I ask.

Wati shifts her gaze to me. “Says Dr. Karin Prins of the University of Groningen.”

Hussein throws a water-melon skin into the thrash basket. “But why would a man go after a married woman?” He tugs a handkerchief from his shirt pocket and wipes his lips.

“What else?” Jessica spreads her hands. “No-strings-attached sex. Such scumbags have balls of steel -- " she forms a claw with her right hand and I cringe in embarrassment " -- pardon my French, have thick skin, are fearless of rejection and know all the tricks of seduction in the book. They also enjoy the thrill of the chase. A successful horizontal tango with a married woman boosts their ego immensely.”

Wati flings a sofa pillow at Chow Kah. “Your wife pretty?”

Chow Kah catches it in mid-air. “Of course!” He passes the pillow to Jessica, fumbles for his wallet and takes out a photo. “Here’s her photo, taken at our condo balcony (pix below).”

“Wow! You’ve excellent taste in women!” Wati exclaims.

Jessica throws the pillow back to her. ‘“Does she have a lower or higher education than you?”

“Lower. I’m a graduate, she’s not.”

“Lucky for you.”


Jessica pops the cap of another bottle of Asahi Premium Beer. “One Dr. Forste in America found out that a woman’s level of education also played a part in infidelity. If she was more educated than her husband, she was more likely to cheat.” She pours some beer into her glass of 7-Up. “The study focused on American women, so the results may not apply to Malaysian women.”

“What about the characteristics of men who’re inclined to infidelity?”

Jessica slides Chow Kah a thin gaze. “They’re usually dominant, competitive, self-centred and have high levels of sexual confidence.”

Hussein releases a chuckle. “Sounds like the traits of a top salesman with a big slut-slayer.”

Wati’s lips tip up. “But God is great. A womanizer always gets his just desert.”

“What do you mean?”

“Doctors have found that men who’re unfaithful have a higher risk of heart attack!”


“Too much sex, higher blood pressure due to excitement while smooching with lover and feelings of guilt which induce mental stress.”


Friday, June 19, 2015

Greenhouse by Muir's self-service is a hassle and its fare so-so

Greenhouse by Muir, the latest Japanese restaurant in KL, features self-service where you pick up a basket (or trolley), select your food (including scooping the miso soup), pay at the check-out and clean up your table after eating.

My ire was that most of my items were cold though a microwave oven was provided to re-heat one's pickings. The rectangular tables and wooden benches did not provide the level of comfort I had expected and the ambiance made me feel like I was in an eat-and-get-lost spot. The small front compound of the restaurant may force you to park in the adjacent Gleneagles Hospital.

Greenhouse by Muir
No. 1 Jalan Nipah
Off Jalan Ampang
Kuala Lumpur


Saturday, June 13, 2015