Saturday, May 30, 2015

Sifu Sabrina gives Lucy Lu feng shui tips

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Sifu Sabrina (pix above) leans both elbows on her desk. “How can I help you, Miss Lu?”

Lucy Lu sits with both feet planted on the marble floor. “I suffer from bad public image." She rests her clasped hands on her lap. “People spit behind my back. They talk bad about me.”

“What’re you? A lady pimp?"

A shade of rose dusting her cheeks in embarrassment, Lucy leans the chair back on two legs and flicks her gaze to the ceiling. “Nothing as dignified as that -- I’m a lawyer.”

Sifu Sabrina whips out a thingamajig and holds it in front of her. “What do you see?”

Lucy’s chair thumps to the floor as she sits straight to look at thingamabob. “An ugly vicious pit bull.”

“Ahem…you’re looking in a mirror.” A faint glimmer of a smile plays on Sabrina’s lips. “‘For a start, you should wear lipstick, smile more often.”

Lucy’s upper lip curls upward in a smile (pix below). “Like this?"

“Yes.” Sabrina leans backward and drapes her hands on the arms of the chair. “You can place two small fu dogs on top of your office desk. They’re also called lion dogs. Put the male fu dog on the right side; the female on the left. Right as when a visitor enters your office room. These symbols will protect you from slander and malicious gossip.”

“How to differentiate between the two?”

“The male fu dog has a paw on a ball; the female, a cub."

“I also want to enhance my wealth luck. I’ve a goldfish tank in my office's waiting area but money's not coming in as fast as I want to."

“For your blood-sucking, er -- I mean honourable profession, a tank full of piranhas will be more suitable.” Sabrina’s smile is as cool as the air from the air-conditioner. “Place the piranha tank in the wealth corner of your waiting room.”

“How do I enhance my chances of winning court cases?”

“Try to have them presided by judges whose animal zodiac signs are compatible with yours.” She pulls open a drawer, takes out a sheet of paper and pushes it across the desk. “You’ll need to do a bit of asking around to find out their animal symbols."

Lucy turns the paper round and flicks her gaze to it. She reads the list aloud:

Rat -- Dragon and Monkey
Ox -- Snake and Rooster
Tiger -- Horse and Dog
Rabbit -- Sheep and Pig
Dragon -- Monkey and Rat
Snake -- Rooster and Ox
Horse -- Dog and Tiger
Sheep -- Pig and Rabbit
Monkey -- Rat and Dragon
Rooster -- Ox and Snake
Dog -- Tiger and Horse
Pig -- Rabbit and Sheep”

“Anything else, Miss Lu?”

“I’ve an important case coming up. A multi-million-dollar slander suit by an asshole racist against a politician client of mine.” Concern etches every corner of Lucy’s brows. “The hearing’s due on June 6, 2015. I’ve considered sending the judge a Hari Raya Super Hamper but a bailiff-friend warned me that’ll be the surest way to lose the case. The judge’s incorruptible. Any advice?”

“Send him the Super Hamper with a Hari Raya card. But enclose the name card of the plaintiff's lawyer.”

Lucy jumps to her feet and extends her hand. “What a brilliant idea! Thank you!” She pumps Sabrina's hand. "You're in the wrong profession, Sifu Sabrina, if you don't mind my saying so." A devious grin eases across Lucy's face. "With your crooked way of thinking, you should be a lawyer."


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