No girlfriend? Then get a transsexual girlfriend! -- Part 1

My buddy Fred (not his real name) is a short, scrawny guy with the face of a bulldog. Yet in matters of the heart, he is ambitious; he has always yearned for a girlfriend as sexy as Beyonce or Mariah Carey.

After countless rejections by women, reality struck him in the face when he hit the age of 40 and streaks of white hair appeared, with no girlfriend in sight. With his looks and financial standing, he realised that his romantic ambition was just a wild dream. Yet, he did not give up hope and settled for the next best alternative -- he got a drop-dead gorgeous transsexual girlfriend.

"Paik Leong, don't misunderstand," he explained in a serious tone while we were guzzling beer in Captain's Cabin in Damansara Utama. "My girlfriend's not a street-walker; she works as a shampoo girl in a salon in Sungei Wang Plaza; she's only 25 years old."

I gulped down a mouthful of lager. "What're the pros and cons of a transsexual girlfriend?"

"A transsexual is as feminine as a real woman, and she is more caring and romantic," explained my hard-drinking pal. "She knows she can't get a boyfriend easily, so she treats him like a jewel. Would you believe that every year I and my girlfriend send each other red roses on Valentine's Day? Haaah...whenever I'm out with her in dance clubs and restaurants, heads turn and men give me envious looks. I feel like a king among men!"

"What about the sex part, if you don't mind telling," I queried.

"Ah.... that's slightly different. A transsexual's sex organ is artifical so it is not as flexible as a natural one, thus full penetration may not be possible. Also, it cannot secrete lubricating fluids. But I use lots of KY Jelly to solve this itty-bitty problem.

"Having a transsexual girlfriend does not make me feel like a gay 'cos she's a woman in feelings but is caged in a man's body. She's different from a cross-dresser, who's a man with a fetish for dressing up in women's clothes.

"My girlfriend had already gone for an operation in Bangkok before we met. Overall, the sex is great; also her companionship gives me a fantastic emotional perk. I have no regrets having a transsexual girlfriend.

"Err...you want my girlfriend to introduce one of her transsexual friends to you?"

The hair on the back of my neck bristled. "No, thanks, no thanks. It's so kind of you anyway."

/end