Jessica gives Chow Kah tips on how to flirt with women

Chow Kah flicks his gaze from the hardcover menu in his hands to Jessica sitting beside him on the plush leather sofa. “Jess, you know all the tricks in the book on flirting.” He snaps the menu shut and hands it back to the Myanmar waiter who takes a step forward to receive it. “Campari with soda, chicken tacos.” He returns his gaze to Jessica. “Darling, can you give some tips on how to flirt.” Chow Kah is tall, dark hair combed straight back, with the kind of face you see on TV reading the news.

Slouched on a wingback chair diagonally across Chow Kah and Jessica, I lean back and look around the other tables in the hall of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke. Most of them are taken up, while a few have “Reserved” signs. A new all-girl band called The Sex Kittens is on tonight and Chow Kah, Hussein and I want to see them in action. On another sofa opposite me, Hussein and Wati are locked in an embrace, whispering in each other’s ears.  A citrus aroma from the air-freshener on the coffee table wafts past me, making me feel alert.

Jessica snaps her fingers at the waiter. “My usual Ladies Drink, Jumbo size, three glasses.” She crosses her leg at the knees, and says to Chow Kah. “Flirting is an art that can be learned but it's not rocket science." She is clad in a front-zippered dark top and a red miniskirt that can make an octogenarian have an erection, and long silky hair flows down her shoulders.

Sporting a polka dot bow-tie, the waiter scribbles on his notepad and tosses his gaze at Wati. “Ahem, sir and Miss Wati, your orders?” He scratches at his stubbled chin.

Hussein and Wati disengage and they sit facing me. “Bir Bintang, a big bottle,” Hussein says, “and three Ladies Drink–Jumbo size — for my darling.”   

“Rum and coke, lots of ice,” I say to the waiter, who scribbles furiously in his pad.

Wati nods to the waiter when he finishes writing and shows a thumbs-up. Then, she wraps her left arm across her torso, rests the other arm on it and places her chin on her fist. Her half-exposed cleavage in a black bra makes Hussein’s eyes widen as he stares at it sideways.  Her hair falls over her back and shoulders in a dark, misty cloud that frames the delicate oval of her face.

Wati says to Chow Kah, “You rascal, who sprinkled you with horny dust? But it certainly pays to learn how to flirt.” Her red lips part into a grin. “Successful flirting can lead to a first kiss.” Her pendant reflects light into my eyes and I blink a few times and cock my head sideways. “I read somewhere that there’re six elements in a flirting moment.” She drops her hands at her sides and Hussein drops an arm over her shoulder. “They’re creating rapport, asking questions, using flattery, using humour, pausing and creating energy.”

“Do you flirt?” I ask Wati.

“Of course.”  Wati allows herself a smile of pride, big eyes twinkling. “When I flirt I feel excited, alive, playful, sexy and a little naughty.” 

“Same for me,” says Jessica, flicking a glance at Wati “When someone is flirting with me, I feel happy, pumped, attractive, flattered, good about myself, admired and appreciated.”  She twists sideways to face Chow Kah. “Darling, you can always start the flirt by paying the girl a compliment."  Chow Kah does likewise and their knees touch. “Her dress, her hair-do, whatever. You need not say it face to face. You can use email or text her. For instance, at the conference table during a meeting, you can show her a thumbs-up sign after she has made a presentation. Girls like such flattery gestures.”

“I see,” says Chow Kah, throwing a glance at the door as it swings open and the same waiter strides in.

“Start a neutral topic to talk with her. Ask her hobbies, her favourite TV shows, movies and so forth. How she de-stresses or relaxes is an excellent opportunity you can capitalize on. She may go for tai chi in the evening, a morning jog or dancing. If you already know her fairly well, say you would like to join her. Don’t be shy. Remember, faint heart never won fair lady. There’re lots of one-liners you can pick up from the Internet. Sprinkle them in your conversation. Whatever you do, be yourself. Don’t try to project any fake image.”

I sit upright as the waiter plonks our drinks on the table and leaves. “Such as?”

“A macho hunk, a cool dude, a joker, a smooth talker. Get the drift?”

Hussein takes a glug of his Bir Bintang, and Wati wipes froth off his upper lip with a tissue.  “Are dirty jokes flirty?” asks Hussein.

Jessica smoothens one side of her hair with her red-tipped fingers. “Well, depends on how it is said and in what context. Also depends on how close you’re to her. If she’s on Facebook, it’d be better to post cute jokes or inspirational notes on her page. A time will come when you’ll know whether you and she have the right chemistry.”

A hostess with an hourglass figure slinks past our table and I give her an admiring glance. Jessica looks at me. “Maybe you can ask Ewe to write a few poems for you.” She looks back at Chow Kah. “You know, personalize them. Slip these poems somewhere in her desk where she will find them. Don’t leave them openly where other staff can see it. The other girls may tease her, and she may blame you. Some shithead bosses also don’t like office romances.”

Hussein snaps his fingers. “Her car windscreen, under the wiper!”

Chow Kah tilts one side of his lips in a scowl. “Come on, quit the joking.” He takes a glug of his beer. “What about flirting with female strangers in a bar?”

Jessica runs her tongue in her mouth for a moment. “If you see a hot babe in a bar, use your body language to express interest in her. Look at her once in a while for longer than necessary.  Then smile!” A smile flits over her  crimson lips. “If she smiles back, go for the kill! Go talk to her.”  She shifts on the sofa, crosses her legs and pulls the hem of her miniskirt down. “When you’re sitting at her table, there’re specific techniques you can apply.”

I fold my arms over my chest. “Such as?”

“If she’s wearing perfume, move into her personal space. Take a sniff and compliment that she smells good.”

Chow Kah asks, “But what if I move into her personal space and finds she has bad breath?”

I chuckle while a guffaw empties itself from Hussein's throat—showing a gap between two front  teeth— and he slaps his knees.

Wati releases an uncontrollable giggle, her shoulders shaking and her breasts quivering like jelly. “Make a joke out of it. Then offer to buy her mouthwash.”

“Fondling an object is also another way to flirt. You can stroke the stem of your wine glass with thumb and forefinger or run a finger over the rim of your beer mug. Accidental brushing is another technique but it demands guts. If you’re standing beside her at a counter, the accidental brushing is usually arm to arm or leg to leg.”  

There is a drum roll. The MC’s voice booms through the loudspeakers, “Ladieees and jeeentlemen, give a big hand for the Sex Kittens!”

Jessica points at the stage. “We continue next time.”

The curtain parts. Hoots! A thunderous applause! On stage are two busty girls plucking at their guitars and a drummer girl alternately bashing a snare drum and a rack tom. All girls are clad in skin-tight tops and mini-skirts. I turn and sweep my gaze at the other tables. A hundred pairs of eyes are bulging in their sockets. I look back at the stage to enjoy the performance.

/end