Sifu Sabrina explains to Elvis why his wife is attracting admirers

Sifu Sabrina’s office door swings open after a knock from the outside. A sixty-something man enters and sits down in the visitor’s chair across her.  “Good afternoon,” he says, his voice is like that of an old rooster’s.

Sifu Sabrina sits up straight and rests both smooth-skinned  hands on her mahogany desk. “Good afternoon Mr Elvis Liew, how can I help you?” Her voice is coated with sensuality and she is wearing a strap top which can stop traffic in Bukit Bintang.

Leaning forward, Elvis crosses his legs at the knees. “My problem is simple. My wife Sakura’s attracting lots of male admirers. I noticed that several male friends have posted romantic comments on her Facebook.   She could even be having dates discreetly.” He straightens his coat with a shark jerk.  “What’s the cause?”

“Oh, your wife must be pretty and sexy.”

“Err, not really.” Elvis jabs a button on his mobile phone and shows the screen to Sifu Sabrina. “This is her latest photo, taken in our bedroom.”

A profusion of Sifu Sabrina’s dark lashes flickers in surprise, framing mocha-coloured eyes that always hold men spellbound. “Any paintings of threesomes in your bedroom? Like, three ducks, three swans?”

“Nope.”

“Any water feature at the right side of the main door? From inside looking out.”

 Elvis and Sifu Sabrina lock gazes for a moment. “Why?”

“Specifically, the green dragon resides at the left; white tiger, right. The left represents the man in the house while the right represents the woman in the house.  A water feature on the door's right side disturbs the woman’s emotional stability. This will cause her eyes to stray.”

A grunt trips from Elvis’ lips. “Nope, not even a fountain the front garden.”

“You’ve a walk-in closet in your master bedroom?”

“No.” Elvis frowns, releasing a wreath of leathery wrinkles on his forehead. “A walk-in closet is no good?”

 “A room within a room created by a walk-in closet attracts extra-marital affairs. There is extra space for a third party to come in.”

“My master bedroom is not that big.”

“Any empty vases displayed in the living room? Empty vases means unfulfilled desire in love and a craving for more.”

“A vase stands on the coffee table. But it’s filled with fresh flowers. The maid always replaces the wilted flowers with fresh ones.”

“Excellent. Any mirror facing the bed?”

 “Yes, her closet mirror faces our bed.”

“That must the cause of men being attracted to her.” Sabrina pulls open a drawer.  “Get rid of the mirror, and things will work out fine.” She takes out an apple.

 “A mirror’s so powerful?”

 Sifu Sabrina pulls out a piece of tissue from a box on the table. “Yes, be careful where you place a mirror in your home.” She wipes the apple with the tissue.

 “Any tips about mirror placement?"

“Use a mirror to reflect good things.” She bites on the apple. “Sorry, I skipped lunch and I’m hungry.” A pause. “Bad things should not be reflected by a mirror. For instance, use a mirror to reflect a cash register to double the money coming in and at the dining table to multiply the quantity of food.  A scenic view can also be reflected to double its beauty so that positive chi can be multiplied.” She takes another bite on the apple. “If a mirror reflects drains, toilets, or a slum, remove it immediately. Also, don’t use a mirror that has cracks. Looking at the distorted image generates negative chi.” She plucks a piece of tissue and wipes her hands. “When you’ve got rid of Sakura’s admirers, buy her lots of apples to eat.”

“Apples? Why?” A fine nest of wrinkles form around Elvis’ eyes, and his look is partly quizzical, partly sceptical.

“Apples make a woman horny. According to Medical Daily, apples contain phloridzin, a key compound that mimics the female sex hormone that drives female sexuality.” A smile moves from Sifu Sabina's eyes to her mouth. “Then you can enjoy lots of sex with Sakura.”

“So, I see.” Elvis’ eyes caress Sabrina from her face to her decolletage. “Err, any reason why you’re eating an apple now?” Elvis’ eyes twinkle with insidious lechery. “Any sensation there?”

“For health purposes, you idiot! There're other benefits of eating apples! I know what’s on your dirty mind!” Sifu Sabrina bolts to her feet, her stern sharp glance raking Elvis' face. “This consultation’s over!”

Elvis pulls out his wallet, makes payment and slinks away, his shoulders stooped. 

/end