“Chow Kah, Happy Valentine’s Day!” Jessica says. “So what have you got for me this year? I see you’ve a big brown paper bag with you.”
“Flowers!” replies Chow Kah, smiling to reveal teeth the colour of rice.
“Oh, thank you.” Jessica chomps down on a wagyu-beef burger (pix above). “You’re a sweet man.”
Chow Kah dips his hand into the brown bag. "Ta-ta!" -- he takes out two heads of cauliflowers -- "You can stir-fry the cauliflowers with prawns and I can come help you to eat them!”
“A romantic Valentine’s Day dinner eating cauliflowers!” I quip, noticing from the corner of my eye that Hussein and Wati are stifling chuckles.
The Gang of Four and I are lounging in the VIP Karaoke Room of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke in Bukit Bintang, KL. The air is thick with the fragrance of rose wafting from a canister of air-freshener on the coffee table.
Chow Kah replaces the two heads of cauliflowers in the big brown bag, folds the top and hands it to Jessica. Smiling, she takes the bag and puts it beside her on the velvet sofa.
“Jessica,” I say, “I can give you a recipe for stir-fried cauliflower if you want.”
Jessica puts down her wagyu-beef burger. “I also have a Valentine’s present for you, Chow Kah.” She plucks a piece of facial tissue from a box on the coffee table and wipes her hands.
A smile tugs at Chow Kah lips. “Oh? What?”
“A blowjob! I’ll do it slowly for you.”
I notice Hussein’s jaw drop and start to crack some groundnuts.
Chow Kah’s eyes gleam with eagerness. “Serious?”
“Of course, I’m serious!”
“When are we going to do it?”
“Now! Let’s not delay your pleasure!”
“No problem!” Chow Kah wipes silvery droll from the side of his mouth with his sleeve. “Men’s washroom or ladies' washroom?”
“Here, in the karaoke room!”
“Eeeeek! Obscene!” exclaims Wati, snuggling up to Hussein, and covering her eyes with one hand. Hussein’s face appears over her smooth shoulder, his eyes screwed up in delight.
“You’re not shy are you?” From her handbag, Jessica whips out a hair dryer and connects the plug to a socket on the nearest wall. Switching the hair dryer on, she blows the hot air at Chow Kah’s hair! “Slow, slow, darling,” she says, her words trailing in a fit of giggles. After a tick, she puts the hair dyer away. “Pull that stunt on me again next year” – she picks up a beer bottle (pix below) – “and I’ll clobber you with this beer bottle!”
“Hussein,” I ask, “what’ve you got for Wati?” I lob some nuts to the back of my throat.
Husein tosses his gaze at me. “Something to do with carat!”
“Whoopee!” Wati leans towards Hussein and rewards him with a kiss (pix above). “Where did you buy it from? Tiffany in Pavilion?”
Jessica looks enquiringly at Hussein. “Poh Kong?”
Chow Kah uncrosses his legs and sits upright. “Wah Chan Gold & Jewellery?”
“No, actually, I bought a four-pound carrot cake from Ben’s Cake Shop!” Hussein chortles. “It’s in my car.”
Wearing a disappointed expression, Wati turns away from Hussein, casts her gaze downward (pix below) and brushes her hair with one hand.
“Jesus Christ! Wati’s crying!” I jerk upright in my seat. “You’ve hurt her feelings!”
“Hussein, to make up for the cruel joke, you should take Wati shopping!” Jessica says. “And you, Chow Kah” -- she turns to face her companion beside her -- “can also get me a proper V-Day present.”
“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry.” Hussein plucks a piece of tissue paper and dabs at Wati’s eyes. “Here, let me dry your crocodile, er, I mean, pitiful tears!”
“Good idea from you, Jessica!” I rise to my feet. “Let’s go, everybody! Pavilion’s just across the road. Let’s take a slow walk over there.” I brush bits of groundnut shells off my pants. “I want to take a browse, too.”
“Hey, guys,” Jessica says, standing on a moving escalator in Pavilion (pix above). “If you’re not sure what to get for your wife or girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, just take her shopping, you hear?” She sips her drink. “Let her buy whatever she fancies! Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!”
Kuala Lumpur Undercover II will released in March, 2017
by Monsoon Books, UK
Five Reasons to Buy This Book
§ You simply want to read fantastic creative non-fiction set in
Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok, Batam and Tanjung Balai Karimun
§ You want to peep into the underbelly of these four places
that you never knew existed
§ You want to know the temptations that lead weak-willed
men and women to go astray
§ You want to know where and how to get the best babes
at the best prices
§ You want to know the bobby traps and scams awaiting amateur
night-clubbers, karaoke aficionados and johns-wannabes