Saturday, May 9, 2015

Hot Legs Niteclub’s Gang of Four discusses about old spinsters aka cat ladies

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

“Are spinsters made or born?” Jessica (pix above) asks, cracking a water-melon seed between her teeth.

“Made!” Wati (pix below) snaps. “Many highly-educated women live in a fairy-tale world of being swept off their feet by a tall, handsome, kind, caring, devoted, confident, courageous, God-fearing and chivalrous five-figure-per-month income-earner, but that day will never come coz’ their expectations are too high.”

A gust of cool air from the air-conditioner tickles Jessica’s hair, fluttering it against the curve of her neck. “Yup! Like some Singapore women, for instance.” She brushes stray strands away. “That’s why Singaporean men marry foreign women who're less demanding and need only low-maintenance.”

A grin inches across Chow Kah’s face. “Born! Most of them are ugly and fat and fierce! Or something is sticking out of their character. Since they’ve missed the train, sour-grapes attitude compel to claim they want to be single by choice.”

I shift in my seat to face Chow Kah. “Some spinsters are born, others are made. There’re several types of spinsters. Not all are ferocious like tigers.” I grab a few water-melon seeds from the platter on the coffee table.

“Can you pigeon-hole them?”

“First, there’s the timid type though not necessarily ugly. Possibly frigid in bed, shy to talk to men, sees every man as wanting-to- sleep-with-her-and-dump-her. The second type is the harmless eccentric. Quirky taste in clothes, hobbies or manner of speaking. She’s the type a man will be ashamed to have her as a GF. Then we have the ‘domesticated mother hen.’ She has low education, and ends up as the stay-at-home daughter. She eats, breathes, sleeps and shits household chores like cooking, ironing and cleaning. No chance to socialize, possibly has overly strict parents. As a result, no social skills.” I pause and squint in thought. “The fourth group is the high-pedestal snob. She’s God’s personal creation, possibly holds an advanced degree, and no man is good enough for her. Often a male-basher, she can be vicious. The fifth category is the I-don’t-give-a-hoot cat lady. She knows she’s ugly, and accepts her destiny as a spinster as it were. Therefore, she doesn’t care to improve herself. Displays armpit hair, wears frumpy clothes and utters vulgarities to compensate for her emotional shortcomings.” I crack a water-melon seed between my premolars.

Jessica’s eyes sparkle. “Spinsterhood has a pro health-wise.”

Chow Kah scrunches his brows. “What pro?”

“A researcher has found that nuns have few incidents of cervical cancer.”

I spit out a water-melon shell to my palm. “Name the scientist.” I toss the water-melon shell into the ashtray.

“Dr. J.O. Drife reported in the British Medical Journal in 1984 that the disease was rare in nuns and common in prostitutes, suggesting a connection between sexual intercourse and cervical cancer.”

One corner of Wati’s mouth (right pix) edges up. “Hold on, Jess.” Her brown eyes glint with a challenge. “Dr. L. Kinlen of Oxford hypothesized that nuns have lower rates of cervical cancer possibly not because of absence of sex but because of their vegetarian diet.”

Chow Kah tunnels a hand through his hair. “Anita Mui was single when she died of cervical cancer, isn’t it?”

Hussein takes a long draw of his Bintang beer and exhales a deep breath. “Don’t equate a spinster with a virgin.” He puts his mug down. “A spinster may have had one-night stands or multiple sexual relationships over a period of years."

I crack another water-melon seed between my teeth. “Anita Mui had a Japanese boyfriend –- this was hush-hush, of course.”

Jessica hooks an arm around Chow Kah’s waist and his eyes turn dreamy and shimmery. “Some women end up as cat ladies because they suffer from Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. HSDD in short. In fact, twenty percent of women in Europe suffer from this disorder.”

Hussein slings an arm to Wati’s shoulder. “Jessica, you read that in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, right?”

“Yup. Volume 12, 2015 edition. Here’s what Dr. Camille Ferdenzi and her team found out. A group of women afflicted by HSDD and a control group of normal women were shown a series of photos of handsome men.” Jessica gesticulates with both her hands. “They were also asked to listen to recordings of male voices. Then, they had to rate how attracted they were to such men. The HSDD group had low scores, indicating they were not even attracted to handsome men with nice voices. Their sexual desires were in the negative zone."

“I know a cure for that ailment!” Chow Kah enthuses. “A vibrating tampon!”



ISBN (Paperback): 978-981-4423-84-4
ISBN (ebook): 978-981-4423-85-4
Length: 272 pages
Publisher: Monsoon Books, Singapore

Available in Malaysia and Singapore from Popular Bookstore, Kinokuniya, MPH (both store and online) and Select Books Singapore (

The book is sold in Europe and Australia at the following e-retailers: (UK) (France) (The Netherlands) (Germany) (Denmark) (Norway) (Romania) (Czechoslovakia) (Australia)


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