Sunday, May 3, 2015

Beware how you eat a banana in public, warns Wati and Jessica

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Chow Kah, seated across me at Fat Brother BBQ Steamboat on Jalan Alor, says to Jessica. “Did Buddha ask his followers to pray to him? No.” He de-shells a lobster and puts it on Jessica’s plastic plate. “But on Wesak Day, thousands of devotees will be praying to Buddha.”

Jessica (pix above) spears the lobster with a fork. “I see what you mean.” She dips the head in chilli sauce and bites off a piece. “Buddhism should be more of practising the Five Precepts.” She starts to chew the morsel. “But I’ve never gone to a temple to pray on Wesak Day, except for buying a couple of birds and releasing them.”

Five minutes earlier, Jessica, Wati, Chow Kah and I were walking past Fat Brother when the Chinese hawker shouted, “Lobsters without GST! Very cheap!” He chuckled to reveal buck teeth. “BN politicians eat lobsters, so no GST! Opposition MPs eat canned sardines so government imposed GST!” Lured by the GST-free price, we grabbed a table near the stall.

Wati (pix below), garbed in a red top, scoops up a lobster from the steamboat pot with an aluminum kimmer and places it on her plate. With her finger nails, she starts to peel the shell. “’s hot.”

Across the road, on the sidewalk, I see two women and a man at a table eating durians. The spiky fruits are placed atop a table set up by the fruit seller. “Wanna eat durians afterward?” I ask Chow Kah.

Everyone look at the threesome munching durians. When they had polished off the fruits, the man, garbed in a skin-tight T-shirt, buys a comb of bananas and puts it in the centre of the table.

Wati gestures to the group with a tilt of her chin. “How they eat bananas can reveal a lot about their sexuality.” She spares a sliver of a smile in Jessica's direction.

My hand flies to my mouth. “Holy cow! The man thrust the whole banana in his mouth!” I almost choke on the lobster morsel. “That banana must be at least six inches long. Looks like Montel brand from Philippines.”

“He’s obviously a homosexual!” Wati shakes her head, the edge of her mouth crooked in a smile. “What a waste! So handsome yet a gay.”

Chow Kah's eyes widen. “My gawd! That woman sitting beside him also thrusted a six-inch banana into her mouth!”

“See how old she is?” Jessica purrs, her voice like honey. “She’s probably mid-thirties, and unabashedly eating that phallic symbol in an obscene manner. What does that tell you?”

“She must be a prostitute!” Wati declares, her voice lowered. “Or someone who’s gone through multiple sex partners.” She picks up a lobster shell from her plate and puts it on the table.

Chow Kah raises his eyebrows. “Great balls of fire, words of wisdom!”

“Eh? The second woman is holding the banana in her left hand and using her right hand to break pieces off to eat.”

Jessica flicks her gaze to the woman. “She’s in her early forties.” She smacks her lips. “Must be a cat lady!”

Wrinkles wedge Chow Kah’s nose. “Cat lady? What’s that?”

“Old spinster!” Wati chips in. “Many old spinsters keep cats as their companions."

“Hey, look!” I point to the left end of the road. “That’s Hussein.” I stretch an arm to wave at him but he doesn’t see me. “He’s eating a cone of ice cream.”

“Goodness gracious!" Jessica splutters. “Look at the way he’s twirling his tongue around it! Eeeeeeeek! The way he’s licking the ice cream's obscene!”

“How do you mean?” Chow Kah asks with a scrunch of brows.

“He -– he -- " A chuckle rolls from Wati's lips. “He –- huahahahaaa!” She angles her chin high. "Ahem! Men should be aware of how they eat ice-cream in public."

A clap of thunder rumbles in the sky like the tattoo of a kettle drum.

“Come on, quit laughing." I swallow my food. “It’s going to rain. Let's quickly eat and leave.”


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