Saturday, March 14, 2015

Wati and Jessica give tips on how to spot a cheating wife

[Pix of model for illustration purpose only]

Hussein brings the bottle of Bir Bintang to his lips, tilts his head backward and guzzles the content in several swallows. He puts the empty bottle on the coffee table with a thud and leans back on the settee, his face flushed.

“What’s the matter with you, Hussein?” Wati asks, wiping froth from his upper lip with a piece of Kleenex. “Why are you in funk?” Legs crossed at the knees, she has on an apricot spaghetti strap top and a red miniskirt so short it barely conceals her undergarment.

Hussein runs a hand through his greasy hair. “My fourth wife cheated on me.”

Wati crumples the Kleenex into a ball and drops it in the ash tray. “Oh? How did you find out?”

“One morning, I came home from office to get a file. When I got into my condo, I heard my fourth wife doing the dishes in the kitchen. When I went in and hugged her from behind, she said, ‘Darling, what’s the hurry? My husband doesn’t come back until 7pm.’ ”

“Is she pretty?” Jessica asks, seated across the coffee table with Chow Kah. Her sheath dress is figure-hugging and what its sweetheart neckline reveals can quicken a man's pulse.

Hussein fumbles his hand in his pocket, pulls out his wallet and takes out a few photographs (pixs above and below). “You tell me -– is she pretty?” He fans the photos in one hand for us to see.

“You lucky man!” exclaims Chow Kah. “No wonder other men are after her.”

“A man with a sexy wife must be alert to signs of infidelity, Hussein,” Wati says.

Hussein slaps the photographs on the coffee table. “Signs like what?” He rests his left elbow on the arm of the settee and puts his chin on his hand. “I’m at a loss what to do. I hope it’s not too late to salvage my marriage.”

“For a start, observe her social life,” Wati answers, pulling the hem of her miniskirt down to prevent a modesty flap as she uncrosses her legs. “Is she spending more time than usual with her female friends? An infrequent night out is okay but not every weekend. Also, watch her telephone behaviour. Does she try to walk away from you when her mobile rings? Does she hang up abruptly? The cheating wife may drop a female name to put her husband off. For instance, she may say, ‘Nancy, I’ll call you back.’ Note the tone of her voice and facial expression when she talks on her mobile. Another indicator of infidelity is sex. If she has lost interest in sex with her husband, it means another man is fulfilling her lust and desire. A sudden high demand for sex is also bad. It can mean she is emotionally involved with another man but is using her husband to satisfy her sexual desire which she can’t get from the other man as yet.”

Jessica kicks off her heels and rests her feet on the coffee table. “Also, watch her shopping and grooming habits,” she says, her cherry-red lips like a rose in bloom. “Is she buying new clothes? Buying new sexy lingerie but not wearing them at home spells trouble. Suddenly taking an interest in using beauty products or trying to slim down may indicate a hidden motive.”

“Once in a while play detective,” Wati adds, spitting out a water-melon shell. “Check her phone bill discreetly. Is there a particular number she frequently calls? The car mileage meter can also give clues to how far she has driven away from home. Check the mileage meter before and after her purported trip to the supermarket or bank.” She cracks another water-melon seed between her pearl-white teeth. “A lot of time spent on the Internet can mean she’s using email to communicate with her lover. Once in a while, pretend to sleep and when she’s online, sneak up behind her!”

Hussein nods in agreement. “True, true, but I’ve four wives. I only see her once every three days. So, it’s hard to monitor her activities.”

“In that case," I say, "the most effective way to catch her cheating is to go home unexpectedly.”

Lips pursed, Hussein sits up straight. “I was thinking along that line.” He replaces the photographs in his wallet. “Ewe, why don’t you send me home now?” He brings his hand to his mouth as he burps. “My fourth wife knows that every Saturday, I’m at Hot Legs shooting pool and drinking until 3 am. But tonight, I’m going to go home early.” He leans sideways and pecks Wati on the cheek. “Good night, dear.”

Wati puts both hands under Hussein’s arms and helps him to stand up, his knees wobbly.

I rise from the settee and smooth the wrinkles in my pants. “Come, let’s go.”


I pull my car outside the entrance of Hussein’s condo in Ampang Jaya.

“Are you sure you can walk?”

“Yup, I'll manage,” he slurs out. Bleary-eyed, he opens the car door and starts to stagger past the guard house. I lean over to the passenger seat and yank the passenger door shut.

I reverse my car, drive away and come to a traffic light. While waiting for the red light to change, my mobile rings. The caller ID shows Hussein.

“Everything okay, brudder?”

“Yes, my fourth wife’s sleeping. I’ve just taken off my clothes and am in the shower now. But I just vomited. Very bad hangover. Can you come back and send me to Guardian Pharmacy down the road? I want to buy a bottle of 21st Century Hang Over Shake.”


“Sorry for the trouble. I’ll get dressed and come out immediately.”

I tootle back to the condominium and stop at the kerb. A minute later, Hussein teeters to my car, opens the door and plunks down beside me. My jaw drops. “Why are you wearing a postman’s uniform?” I ask.

From the corner of my eye, I see a man -- stark naked -- zipping away on a motorcycle.


No comments: