Saturday, January 5, 2013
Hot Legs Niteclub’s PR executive apologizes to his co-workers
To: Mr Johnny Yap, Mummy Lulu
c.c. Chow Foo Kee, Muniandy, Boh Kah Kiat, Linda Lee, Sam Soong, Georgina Goh
When I came into the office earlier, I noticed that all of you ignored me when I greeted my usual “Good afternoon.”
Our Managing Director, Mr Yap, phoned me yesterday and said today will be my last day at Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke. I know I have done something wrong at the office party last Friday. Since all of you do not wish to talk to me any more, I shall tender my apologies in this email.
First, to our esteemed Mummy Lulu, I am sorry for calling you an Ore Kooi Poh and an ex-whore during the party. But I was drunk, very drunk. Hot Legs Niteclub is an establishment of high repute and it is my mistake to assume that there are whores, ex-whores and lady-pimps among the staff.
Miss Chow Foo Kee, I tender my sincerest apologies for making fun of your name. But part of the blame must go to your parents for having given you a name that is homonymous with a bad word. It may be preferable for you to use a Christian name in future.
Muniandy, I’m not a racist so referring you as a “black, hairy devil and a kaki samsu” was a slip of the tongue. Alcohol had loosened my tongue so please forgive my lapse of discretion. I'll always cherish the good times we had drinking toddy and illicit samsu in Brickfields.
Boh Kah Kiat, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday evening. Now sober, I am very much aware your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a lady-pimp. Your Vietnamese wife is a charming woman and my story of you having bought her from a Hanoi brothel was my over-active imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too.
To Miss Linda Lee, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defence I must remind you that your miniskirt breached our office dress code. That evening, my hand developed a mind of its own and it went to fondle your butt without my consent and knowledge, of course.
Sam Soong, old buddy, you just have to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were wearing polka-dot boxer shorts, I'd never have removed your pants while you passed out in the men’s washroom. You know I was not kidding when later I said that I didn’t know where I'd hidden your pants because I was too drunk to remember. If you want me to, I will explain to your wife why you went home wearing yellow hotpants borrowed from one of the GROs.
Miss Georgina Goh, I can't tell you how sorry I am that I went all over the office, telling everyone that you are a bed-wetter and are HIV positive. But for Joseph to remark that he would record those things in your personnel file is an invasion of privacy. Maybe you like to bring a certificate from a doctor?
Once again, I wish to apologize for my behaviour at the office party. Though I was very drunk, that does not absolve me from blame.