Saturday, May 21, 2011

Hot nightclub girl explains ancient Chinese beliefs about sex

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

The VIP Room of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke smack in the heart of Kay El’s Starry Hill (aka Bukit Bintang) was in an animated discussion. Voluptuous Jessica and desire-igniting Wati and macho Hussein and playboyish Chow Kah and I were discussing...what else?

For that evening, karaoke singing had been thrown out of the window. Also, no thanks to the nuclear fallout in Fukushima in Japan, we were not snacking our usual sushi handroll, but munching tortilla wraps and washing them down, not with Asahi but San Miguel.

Depressed Chow Kah had kick-started the group’s verbal intercourse by asking whether anyone among us knew of any products that could cure premature ejaculation. “Age is catching up with me,” Chow Kah had sighed. He wore a frown that hollored of pitiable dejection. “I now suffer from premature ejaculation.”

“Last time, there was a sex store in Low Yat Plaza selling some kind of thick rubber ring,” said sizzling Wati. “It’s fitted over the manhood so as to hold the blood back.” She was a sexual volcano on the verge of eruption as she was garbed in tight, skimpy black top with her size thirty-eight almost overflowing out.

“That’s for maintaining erection; premature ejaculation is a different matter,” explained Hussein. He took a piece of tortilla and sank his teeth into it.

“Simple solution; why not take Prigily?” I recommended.

“I don’t want to take drugs; I’m looking for an alternative cure.”

“You’re a Taoist?” asked Jessica. "I may have the solution to your problem.” Her hair was flung to one side of her face, revealing a smooth cheek waiting to be kissed by lecherous, eager lips.

Chow Kah stabbed her exposed cleavage with a glare of lust. “Why?”

Jessica said: “There’s an ancient Taoist book called Su Nu Ching. Its title means ‘Classics of the White Madam.’ It was written during the Sui dynasty – which started from 590 AD; that means more than 1,500 years ago. Actually, the book has nothing to do with the Taoism, though. Maybe you should read it.

“The book is written like a Q&A session between an emperor and the Goddess Su Nu. She was believed to be the Goddess of Fertility. There’s plenty of useful advice in the book for a better sex life. Ah...lucky for you, I have my e-book reader with me. Let me get it from my locker.”

Jessica went out of the room and returned before you could say L-O-V-E; then plonked her killer thirty-eight-inch butt on the springy sofa beside Chow Kah. “Here, let me read you a few passages from the e-book.”

She flipped open her gizmo; her slender fingers sporting red varnish on her nails pressed a few buttons.

“Why you read such kind of books? I asked, piqued by sheer curiosity.

“For knowledge; also because of the language; it’s very interesting.”

Chow Kah put a finger to his lips. “Shhhh...Let’s listen to what the book is all about.” His Adam’s apple did a jig as he swallowed a few gulps of San Miguel.

Jessica cleared her throat. “All debility in men is due to violation of tao of intercourse between yin and yang. Women are superior to men in the same way that water is superior to fire...By treasuring his ching, cultivating his spirit and consuming herbs, a man may indeed attain long life. However, if he is ignorant of the tao of intercourse, the taking of herbs is of no benefit. Its essence lies in frequently mounting young girls but never ejaculating. One should mount a woman as if riding a galloping horse with rotten reins or as if fearful of falling into a deep pit lined with knife blades. If you treasure your ching, your life will have no limit.”

“What’s ching?” asked Chow Kah, wiping his mouth with a handkerchief.

“Ching means energetic sexual matter, or simply semen, which is supposed to affect longevity.”

“Let me continue. The Emperor then asked Su Nu, ‘If I were to refrain from intercourse for a long time, what would be the result? Su Nu replied ‘Heaven and earth have their opening and closing, and yin and yang have their activities and transformations. If you are to abstain from intercourse, your spirit will have no opportunity for expansiveness and yin and yang will be blocked and cut off from each other...If the jade stalk does not stir, it dies in its lair. So you must engage frequently in intercourse as a way of exercising the body.' ”

“What does jade stalk mean?” whispered Wati to Hussein, her cheek almost pressed against his. “Zakar...[manhood]” Hussein replied in an almost inaudible voice with his face snuggled in her hair.

“Also, there’s a table recommending the number of times a man must have sex,” continued Jessica. “For good health, at age 20, it’s two times a day; age 30, once a day; 40, every three days; 50, every five days; and at sixty, once every ten days. At its minimum, intercourse should be -- at age 20, once every four days; 30, once every eight days; 40, once every 16 days; at 50, once every 21 days; and at age 60, once every 30 days.”

She looked up from her e-book reader. “Okay...that’s all I want to read. If I’m not mistaken, premature ejaculation is also given coverage. There’s also mention of a Mandarin duck position; it’s supposed to be suitable for the man who can’t maintain a solid erection.”

“The book contains contradictory advice,” I said. “Su Nu recommended sex without ejaculation, saying it’s a waste of life energy, yet at the same time, she asked men to have regular sex to live longer.”

“Maybe got some truth in not having too much sex,” added Hussein. “I’ve noticed that many sami [monks] have long lives. But sex without ejaculation is not shiok."

“Maybe their longevity is due to the vegetarian food those monks eat and not abstaining from sex,” Wati added.

Hussein asked: “Back to the point of our discussion; well, Chow Kah, what've you done so far to cure your condition?”

“At first, I bought a few online tahan lama products but they did not work and gave me side effects. Then I went to see my urologist, asking for a non-drug cure. You know what he advised?”

“He advised that when I felt like ejaculating, I should scare myself with a sudden noise. The noise would take my mind off the pleasure of the moment and prevent the ejaculation.

“So, the next day, after work, I went to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. When I got home, I found my wife nude in bed waiting for me. I got real excited.

“Without telling her about the starter pistol, I undressed, tossing my pants and shirt on the bed. After some passionate foreplay, we ended in the 69 position. Very quickly, I could not control myself anymore. I slipped my hand into the pocket of my pants and took out the starter pistol. I fired a shot in the ceiling. BANG!

“The noise scared my wife so much that she execreted on my face, bit my manhood, and my naked neighbour came out of the clothes closet with his hands in his air!”

“Aiyooooh…. kasihan,” purred Wati in genuine sympathy. Jessica stifled her chortle, almost choking on her vanilla bubble tea. Hussein and I were speechless.

“Definitely, I want to read Su Nu Ching – it’s much safer!”



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