Ewe Paik Leong, The Wordslinger: “Rat, Horse, Dog and Tiger have Peach Blossom Stars in 2023,” says Sifu Sabrina. “Here’re my tips to safeguard your marriage.”

“Nice place.” Sifu Sabrina’s hair flutters sideway to her right shoulder. “Gee… I never expect a windy ambiance at a waterfall.” My gaze skates from her willowy legs that slide up to gentle hips and a small waist.

Around us, butterflies flit along the river bank and hoots of macaques occasionally echo in the surrounding forest. As gusts of wind blow over the river through the canopy of trees, the dappled sunlight shifts back and forth across the waters like a bright net,

I wade through ankle-deep water and step up on a boulder. “Aren’t you ladies going to discuss what we came here for?” I stand facing Sifu Sabrina and whip out my mobile. “Sabrina, strike a pose!”

“Sure.” Sifu Sabrina rests an arm over her head. “Shoot!”

Click! I save the photo. “For posterity.”

“Send me a copy of the photo!”

“Sure, will do!” I swing my gaze from Sifu Sabrina to Sakura Siew, getting drenched by a cascade tumbling over boulders. Her breasts are sagging like water-filled balloons inside her swim-suit. “Come on, Sakura, I’m going to lay the mat and take out the food.” I replace my moby in my belt pouch and tread gingerly over the gravelly river bed to the grassy bank.

I squat under the shade of tall dipterocarp trees and unfurl a pandanus mat. From a picnic basket, I take out boxes of sandwiches, fruits, skewers of hot dogs and fried chicken drumsticks. “The food’s ready.” I start to unload bottled soft drinks and plastic cups on the mat.

Sakura rises from the waters. “Alright, gimme a minute to change.” She ambles like a baby elephant to the nearby public changing room. Soon, Sabrina, Sakura and I are sitting at the picnic mat, taking a deep breather, savouring the clean, fresh air.

“Sakura, this picnic’s your idea.” Sifu Sabrina tucks her slender legs under her buttocks. “What do you want to talk about?”

“The Peach Blossom Star for the Water Rabbit Year.”

Sifu Sabrina sits straight. “For 2023, the Rat has the strongest Peach Blossom Star among the 12 animals; Horse, second strongest Peach Blossom Star; Dog's Peach Blossom is third strongest, Tiger has a moderate Peach Blossom.” She takes a sip of rose juice from a plastic cup. “Now, let me dispel the myth about Peach Blossom Star per se. For a single with a lover, a powerful Peach Blossom Star means excellent possibility of marriage. On the other hand, a person with a moderate Peach Blossom Star may get help from a person of the opposite gender.” Sifu Sabrina’s tongue rolls to the side of her mouth with a grin, the tip peeking out as she hopscotches a gaze to me and back to Sakura. “For example, a handsome, smooth-talking life-insurance fucker backed by a moderate Peach Blossom Star may sign a million-contract with an ugly old crone simply because her heart flutters for him. So, the Peach Blossom Star can be the devil or the angel. Where a married man or woman is concerned, usually, it’s a bad influence.”

Sakura chomps on a piece of sandwich. “Gimme tips to safeguard my marriage, Sifu Sabrina.” Muscles pull at the corners of her mouth as she chews unladylike. “My husband’s a Rat.”

Sifu Sabrina raises her eyebrows. “Err, he’s already eighty, isn’t he?” I grin.

“I love a man of his age. Has money in his head instead of brains. But beginning to come home late often.” Sakura puts her sandwich on her lap and fiddles her cell phone. “Here’s his photo.” She shows me the screen and my eyes span wider in surprise. “Better nip the problem, if any, in the bud."

Sifu Sabrina gives the food an once-over. “Most important is the north-west sector of your home. You need to strengthen it.”

“How?”

Sifu Sabrina picks up a ham sandwich with both hands. “Hang a few auspicious things there. A family photo of you, him and the kids is the best choice. When it is lighted up, the chi created will help ensure that he returns home to this family. Additionally, supplement the photo with a painting of a pair of mandarin ducks or a coin tree.” Sabrina takes a bite and chews. “Do you’ve a big garden?” She flicks her gaze at me. “Not enough mayonnaise, Ewe.”

I nod. “I bought the sandwiches.”

“Yes,” Sakura says. “I live in a bungalow and there’s land all around.”

“Then the northwest corner of your compound also needs attention. Don’t have any water features like a miniature fountain or a pond there. Instead have a rock garden, something solid. Moving water may trigger roving eyes in a man.”

I toss my gaze at Sifu Sabrina. "The marital bedroom?"

“Yes, a mirror shouldn’t face the marital bed.” Sabrina takes a gulp of her rose juice and focuses her attention on Sakura. “If the mirror cannot be moved elsewhere,cover it up with a sheet when the mirror is not in use. Finally, you can also strengthen the matriarchal sector of your house – that’s you.” She pauses. “The matriarchal sector faces the south-west. The best symbol to put there is a golden rooster. This animal is territorial and its ferocity will drive away potential family-breakers."