"The cowgirl and doggy sex positions are the most dangerous," Jessica and Wati say

I pull my car over to the visitor’s parking lot, yank the handbrake up and get out. I press my remote control and the car headlights blink once and a beep sounds. I hike on sneakers to the security booth at the entrance of Jessica's condo in Cheras.

A Nepali guard pops his head out of the window of the booth. “Yes, sir? Which unit?” He is wearing a peaked cap in a rakish angle and his dull eyes look sleepy.

“Jessica’s unit, number eighty-eight—she’s having a poolside BBQ.”

The guard gestures with an open palm. “Please enter, sir.”

I duck the boom bar and enter the compound of the condo. When I reach the swimming pool, I see that Jessica’s party is in full swing—some of the guests are scarfing down grilled food, others are dipping in the pool. 

Clad in a blue t-shirt and jeans, Mummy Lulu is swaying to the music by herself. I see Papa-san Johnny Yap, owner of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke. Garbed in shorts, he sees me. I wave at him. He waves back. He slips on the wet floor and falls into the pool. 

The smell of cooked food wafts in the air and starts the engine of my appetite. A mini compo is blasting out foot-stomping music which almost makes my stomach vibrate and a singer's hoarse voice is shouting, “Put your fucking hands up!” I almost cringe at the vulgarity.

 I spot Jessica and Chow Kah half-submerged in the pool and wave at them.  Chow Kah waves back at me and I go to the BBQ grill and pile some grilled squid rings and prawns on a plate. After getting a drink, I settle my butt at a poolside table and start to eat.

 

Within moments, Jessica joins me and slaps a high-five with me. “Glad you can come!” She drags out an empty chair beside her for Chow Kah who’s holding a plateful of satay in one hand and another plateful of popcorn shrimp in the other hand. 

"Great party!" I flash a smile at Chow Kah and pop a squid ring into my mouth. “Where’s Wati?”  Talk of the devil! I mean, Wati. At that moment, bikini-clad Wati emerges from a changing room near the pool, rounds our table with a wiggle of her butt and joins us. 

I flick my gaze at Wati, sitting across me.  “Hi, Wati, where’s your best friend, Hussein?” I point at Jason, Mummy Lulu’s toyboy—togged up in swimming trunks and a bowtie—gyrating under a marquee. “You know, two’s a couple, three’s a party!”

“Didn’t you know?” Wati picks up a popcorn shrimp and blows on it. “He’s in hospital.” She pops it into her mouth. “You know what happened to him?”

I shake my head and from the corner of my eye, I see Jason coming to our table. He pulls out a chair, nods and sits down. “Don’t let me interrupt your conversation,” he says.

Wati crosses her shapely legs at the knees. “Penile fracture.”

My jaw sags a full inch. “Sweet thunderation! How did it happen?”

Wati’s eyes twinkle with amusement. “He was making boom-boom with his fourth wife when it happened!” She picks up a six-inch bamboo skewer.  “An accident broke his manhood." She snaps the bamboo skewer into two. “Like this!”

Jessica picks up a skewer of satay. “Do you know that certain sex positions are dangerous?”   She brings the skewer to Chow Kah’s mouth. “As proven by research.”

“Wow!” I sit upright. “You just read another interesting scholarly article?”

Chow Kah bites off two morsels of meat from the skewer. “Yes, Jessica loves to read.” He takes the skewer away from Jessica's hand.  

Jessica picks up her glass of fruit punch, sucks at the straw and winks. “The University of Campinas -– that’s in Brazil -- compiled statistics of penile fracture treated at three hospitals from 2000 to 2013.  Most of the victims revealed that they were engaged in either the doggy or cowgirl style when the mishaps happened. The risk of the man accidentally hitting the woman's pelvic bone is very high in these two positions.” 

“Journal of Sexual Medicine article?”

“No, a journal called Advances in Urology." Jessica puts the glass of fruit punch down. "Year 2014 issue.”

Sucking at a plastic pouch filled with what looks like milk shake, Wati flits her gaze to Chow Kah and then to me. “Not only that— an article in International Journal of Impotence Research states that the doggy position causes the most severe injury.” She pauses. “I think it appeared in a 2017 issue. The authors of that research paper were err... Dr. Barros and Dr. Schulze."  Her face becomes taut with seriousness. “Men who suffer penile fracture can be left with permanent erectile dysfunction.  It depends on how serious the injury is. So, this is no laughing matter.”

"Gee..." My eyes jolt wider. "You also read medical journals?"  

From the corner of my eye, I see Jason winking at Wati. "This I gotta tell Mummy!" he says. "Maybe I need to show her the article, too." 

I cast my gaze at Jason. "Why?"

A sly smile blooms on toyboy Jason’s lips. "Then I can avoid doing those two positions with her! I hate them, have always preferred the standing disco and missionary."

/end