The Gang of Four discusses how to spot horny women and take one home!

[Pixs of models for illustration only]

Looking up from Jessica’s toes, Chow Kah asks, “How to spot a horny woman?”

Jessica’s two feet are resting on top of the coffee table and Chow Kah is painting her toe nails with red varnish.

“Why you want to know?” Wati stretches  her hands upward (pix below) and turns left and right at the waist. “Ooooh… I’m so tired.”

Chow Kah blows at Jessica’s big toe to help dry the varnish. “My grandpa asked me this question and I couldn’t answer him.”

“Don’t believe his porkies!” Hussein lifts his pilsner glass of Bali Hai Hefeweizenbier and takes a glug. “He wants the info for his personal use.”   
   

The Gang of Four (Jessica, Wati, Chow Kah and Husein) and I are in the VIP Karaoke Room of Hot Legs Niteclub & Karaoke in Bukit Bintang, KL.

Jessica (pix below) casts her gaze at me. “First sign is she’s dresses sexily.”

“Any scientific proof?”  I ask. “She could be fashion conscious.”

“University of Minesota’s Carlson School of Marketing found that ovulating women buy sexier clothes." She smooths her skirt with both hands. “They unconsciously dress up to enhance their physical appearance so as to outdo other women. This study was published in Journal of Consumer Research.” 

“Another sign is eye contact.” Wati chirps in, sitting up straight (pix below). “Not just any eye contact. University of Chicago’s research has found that if a woman has romantic feelings for a man, she will gaze at his face. However, if she has sexual desire towards a man, she will look at other parts of his body.”

Chow Kah's eyebrows jerk upward. “His crotch! To assess his potential even before he loosens his belt!”

Jessica opens her mouth and lifts her hand to it. “Ho-hum! I knew you'd say that, Chow Kah.”

Wati adjusts the halter strap of her dress (pix below). “Actually, the findings apply to men as well. In other words, if a man looks at woman from head to toe, he has sexual interest in her.  If he has romantic feelings, he’ll stare at her face.” She drapes an arm over Hussein’s neck. “Sayang,  is that why you're always staring at my boobs? Because you lust for me but not love me?”

“Sumpah! I love you! But I’m following the laws of nature!”

I take a sip of my water melon juice. “Which journal published the study?”

Jessica melds her gaze to mine for a second.. “Psychological Science.”

Chow Kah dips the cap brush into the polish bottle. “What other ways to spot a horny woman?” He looks up at Jessica, holding the cap brush in mid-air.

“Another obvious sign is she’s touchy-feely. She may rest one hand on the man’s shoulder, or drape an arm over his neck, or run a finger down his necktie. Over-complimenting a man’s looks, broad shoulders and so forth is another sigh. A flirty smile is another indicator.”

Chow Kah starts to work on Jessica’s little toe. “How to tell the difference between a polite smile and a flirty smile?”

“The eyes, darling.” Jessica wriggles her big toe. “A polite smile doesn’t reach the eyes. A flirty smile lights up a person’s eyes. Look out for a twinkle or a gleam in that woman’s eyes. If  she sends you a flirty smile, and corresponding body language, the chances are high that she’s horny.”

Hussein spears a squid ring from a platter on the coffee table. “All those signs are not universal. They vary from person to person. Some girls play with their hair when they’re horny, others lick their lips.” He pops the squid ring into his mouth and gestures to me. “Ewe, try the squid, it’s great.”

I nod. “So what do you do when you spot a horny woman?” I pick up a fork and attack a squid ring.

“Act fast!” Jessica’s red lips dance a graceful waltz as she speaks.  “You must separate her from the pack, then go in for the kill! In other words -- ”

“Have you been watching National Geographic documentaries?” I ask.

Wati holds a finger to her lips. “Shsssh!  Let her continue.”

“In a club or in a party, if she’s with a group of female friends, get her away to a private area.  Create excuses like you want to show her your new sports car, or you want to tell her a joke in private. Then, after some chatting, you apply your seduction strategy on her.  One tactic is to ask something about her jewellery or wrist watch, pretend to inspect it and accidentally brush your fingers against her skin. If she doesn’t back away, it’s time to pull out your best panty-dropping pick-up line!” 

Tok! Tok! Tok!

The door swings inward, and Mummy Lulu (pix above) enters the karaoke room. “Chow Kah, I know you’re a car freak. You want to see my new BMW parked at the back?”

/end