Friday, July 3, 2015

Sifu Sabrina gives Sakura Siew feng shui tips for a healthy sex life

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Sifu Sabrina (pix above) crosses her legs and leans forward on her desk. “What advice you need, Madam Siew?”

“Advice for a healthy sex life.” Sakura (right pix below) spreads out her hands. “I've no sex life but I’m not frigid. The problem is my husband.” She shifts slightly in her seat and the chair creaks.

I flick a side glance at her. “Is your husband (right pix) suffering from ED?”

“Not exactly. He works late and by the time he retires to bed, he’s exhausted. On weekends, he’s out drinking with friends. When he staggers home after midnight, he says he’s prefers to sleep.”

I study Sifu Sabrina’s face. “These could be excuses or a genuine disinterest in sex.”

Sakura purses her lips. “Yes, possibly a diminished libido because of age.”

Sabrina arches an eyebrow. “How old is he?”

“Eighty. And skinny as well.”

“Have you double-boiled ginseng for him?”

Sakura nods. “Yes, I’ve. Once a fortnight. But the side-effect is heatiness resulting in headaches.”

“In that case, try seahorse. According to my sinseh friend, Master Mah, seahorse is also an aphrodisiac, and is less heaty compared to ginseng.” Sabrina takes a sip of tea from the porcelain cup in front of her. “From the feng shui aspect, you’ve to check whether any poisoned arrows are pointing at the bed.”

Sakura sits upright. “Poisoned arrow? What’s that?”

“In feng shui, it refers to anything sharp or angular. It can be the corner of a writing desk or a closet. Also, the bed should not directly face the door. The bed itself is important. Go for a bed with a headboard; it signifies strong sexual relationship. Don’t sleep on a water bed. Since water flows, your husband may run away from you.” She pauses. “To activate the sex chi, you can display an erotic painting or a sculpture of lovers having sex in the northeast corner of the bedroom. If you so prefer, a painting of a pair of Mandarin ducks will also do. On the other hand, avoid electronic items in the bedroom.”

Sakura exhales a breath. “Such as?”

“TV, computers, laptops, hi-fi.” Sabrina rests her hands on the arms of her swivel chair. “Open your bedroom windows at least once a week to let stale air out. Let the sunlight charge your bed with positive energy. You can also set the mood by dressing up for the role."

Sakura takes out her mobile from her purse and jabs a few buttons. “Here’s my selfie in lingerie.” Her brows scrunch. “You mean dress in a seductive manner like this?” She shows the screen of her mobile to Sifu Sabrina.

“That’s right.”

"Ewe, take a look." Sakura leans sideways, allowing me to peek at her selfie (pix below), and my jaw drops. “So, what else should I do, Sifu Sabrina?” She replaces her mobile in her purse.

“Burn essential oils like ylang ylang either in the bedroom or bathroom when he’s taking a shower.” Sifu Sabrina leans back in her chair and folds her arms. “As a last resort, put a red carpet under your bed. Red should amp up his yang energy.”


Three months later, I phone Sifu Sabrina.

“So, any feedback from Sakura?”

“Yes, the aftermath was earth-shattering."

“How do you mean?”

“He made them pregnant.”

“Them? Who’re you referring to?”

“Sakura, Sakura’s Filipina maid, and their sixty-year-old neighbour –- all three of them are pregnant.”

"Holy cow!" I drop my mobile, shaken by the news.



Antonio Bryant said...

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Thank you for your thoughts.