Saturday, May 24, 2014

Bombshell Wati of Hot Legs Nightclub gives tips on how to spot a homosexual

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

Hussein prises the lid off his big bottle of Bir Bintang, crosses his legs at the ankles and asks, “Anyone can tell me how to spot a homosexual?”

“Why?” I ask and take a sip of peach-flavoured jelly milk tea.

Wati (pix above), seated next to Hussein, starts to pour beer into his willybecher.

“My co-worker Surina is getting a divorce,” Hussein says, leaning forward to the fruit platter to spear a slice of Solo papaya. “She came home unexpectedly to collect something that she forgot. When she entered her condo, she caught her husband in bed with another man. She told me she’s wants to re-marry but be doubly sure that her future husband is not gay. So she asked me for tips.”

“I know!” Jessica (pix below) says, seated beside Chow Kah. “Most men who wear beards are homosexuals secretly!”

Everyone inside the karaoke room chuckles at her remark.

“Why you say that?” asks Chow Kah, lips upturned in a smile, his hand stroking the silky smooth lap of Jessica.

“Look at the pictures of men convicted of sodomy and unnatural sex in the newspapers. Most of them wear beards!”

I scrunch my face. “That’s not a very reliable sign.”

Jessica purses her lips. “Then look at his Facebook account or blog. Are there plenty of pictures of muscular men?”

Hussein’s jaw drops. “Huh? Who’re you implying?”

“Nobody. It’s just a general statement.”

Wati leans back, slips off her right stiletto and lets it dangle on her big toe. “Actually, apart from the notorious limp wrist, a woman should observe how her boyfriend looks at other men. If he prefers to ogle flirtatiously at Sazali Abdul Samad instead of Lee Hyori, that’s not a healthy sign.”

Chow Kah asks, “Who’re Sazali Abdul Samad and Lee Hyori?”

“Body builder and a K-pop singer.”

“Homosexuals who’re still unattached or are into one-night stands are fastidious about their appearance.” Wati strokes the back of Hussein’s head a few times. “They like tight pants that compress their buttocks like a ketupat.” She giggles, revealing pearly white teeth. “You see, the butt is an erogenous zone for gays. Skin-tight shirts are also a way to send out signals to other gays. Often, the chest is exposed to display their deltoids and pectorals. A gay is also likely to pluck his eyebrows or use facial-care products or trim his pubic hair.”

Jessica cuts in, “I reckon that gay pornography is predominantly watched by homosexuals.”

"Definitely!" Wati leans forward to the fruit platter and plucks a Montel banana at least six inches long. “If he likes to watch Brokeback Mountain repeatedly, that’s a cause for concern.”

Jessica (pix below) throws a glance at Wati. “Apart from that gay cowboy movie, there’re also Cantonese movies such as Farewell My Concubine and In Happy Together.” She takes Chow Kah’s hand off her lap and places it on his knee, her fingers entwined with his.

Chow Kah nods. “Yup, the actor himself was also gay -– Leslie Cheung.”

Wati peels the banana and takes a big bite. “Also, ask Surina to watch out for the male friends of her future boyfriend. Does he give presents like cologne, scarves or G-string briefs to them on their birthdays?” She chews the banana and pours more Bir Bintang into Hussein’s willybecher. “If he’s going out with his male friends, she should tag along. Observe their behaviour.”

My eyes widen at what's left of the six-inch Montel banana. Jesus Christ, she bit off the whole banana in one go! “I agree, Wati. Most gays have a Dr. Jeklyy and Mr. Hyde complex. They behave normally in a group of people of mixed gender, but when they’re with their own kind, he’s a different person altogether.”

Wati takes a swallow, flicks the banana skin on the coffee table and now plucks a seven-inch banana from the comb. “Another clue to watch out is that a gay likes to get involved in all-men activities. As a participant, observer or mentor. For example, he may go to a men-only gym for work-outs purportedly to keep fit but in the showers, he may be up to hanky-panky.”

Chow Kah asks, “How can he abuse his role as mentor?” He pulls out a pack of Marlboro.

“He may like to mentor school-boys through church activities or organizations like St. John’s Ambulance, Leo Club or Malaysian Scouting Association.” In a single chomp, Wati takes the whole of the second banana inside her mouth.

My eyebrows shoot up. “Holy Toledo! You’re right!” I sit up straight suddenly and look at her. “He can pretend to offer first-aid training to St. John’s Ambulance members and do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!”

“Oh my goodness! My son’s a Junior Scout!” Hussein exclaims and he almost chocks on his Bir Bintang. “When I get home tonight, I must ask him whether any of his Senior Scouts has touched him in an inappropriate manner.”

Chow Kah flicks out a fag from the pack. “You mention church activities, Wati?” Using his teeth, he bites the fag from the pack.

Wati starts to chew on the second Montel banana. “Yes, activities like coaching the boy’s choir group,” she says and starts to lean backward. She says to Hussein, "Darling, my back's tired. Make space for me to lean back, please."

Sliding away to the far end of the sofa, Hussein widens his eyes and stares at Wati's two mounds of quivering flesh.

“It’s true, Chow Kah,” adds Jessica, turning to face him. “A month ago, I was attending Mass in the St. Augustine Church. The donation box was passed around. When it was returned to the pastor, he saw a one-hundred ringgit note in it. The pastor asked. ‘I’m indeed pleased that we’ve someone who’s generous in the congregation. Will that person please stand up? He can choose his favourite hymm.’ A guy in a purple shirt stood up. He smiled, nodded and looked around. He spotted a handsome boy of around ten with a rosy cheek. Pointing to the boy with a limp wrist, the man said, ‘I choose him!’"

Uproarious laughter shakes the walls of the karaoke room.

I look at Wati. “Wati, you like to eat bananas. May I know why?”

She giggles and winks her eye. “Because they have no bones!”

"Darling, you suddenly make me feel hot in the face!" exclaims Hussein.



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