Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sexy nightclub hostesses warn of physical injuries to manhood

[Pixs of models for illustration purpose only]

“Please be patient,“ says Mamasan Lulu to Hussein. "Wati'll be slightly late; why not order some snacks and drinks first?”

“Yes, I'm ravishing,” says GRO Jessica, displaying the shape of her erect nipples beneath her tight silk-and-lace dress. The V-line of her panty is visible as she bends over to pick up a food menu from under a coffee table.

“Order anything you want, Jessica,” says Chow Kah, seated next to her. “Hmmm...the tempura and sushi look tempting...will be great with Asahi.”

Minutes later, Chow Kah, Jessica, Hussein and I are nibbling the finger food, when the door of the VIP karaoke room opens and Wati enters.

“Sorry, for being late, Hussein.” Wati apologized. “My poor old atuk [grandpa] is in Tawakal hospital. Kasihan...I just visited him there.”

The sight of her perks up Hussein. “What happened to him?”

“The poor man fractured his zakar [manhood]; he’s already 65 years old.”

‘What?!” I say.

Chow Kah's skeptical; on the other hand, Hussein's tickled and smirked.

“How can such a thing happen?” Chow Kah asks, wiping his hands with a hot towel after popping a crab stick into his mouth.

Wati slumps next to Hussein on the sofa, her ample buttocks straining the fabric of her shorts. She picks up a piece of sushi roll and bites a small piece off. “Last night, while having sexual intercourse with his third wife, my atuk [grandpa] was thrusting vigorously -- obviously, he had taken Tongkat Ali already,” she says. “His young wife was on top of him. He missed his aim and hit her pubic bone instead! There was a cracking sound on impact; he screamed in pain. The erection came down and his penis turned purplish.

“His isteri muda [young wife] rushed him to the hospital. According to the doctor, the erectile chamber of the penis had suffered something like a tyre blowout; blood had flowed under the skin of the penis, causing the organ to change colour.”

“You men should be careful while having intercourse or during foreplay; for instance, avoid rolling in bed with an erection,” says Jessica, crossing her leg to expose an expanse of milky thigh. “Actually, I personally know of another case; it happened a few years back. My 60-year old uncle had happily taken a 25-year old China-doll to Genting Highlands for the night. After having taken Viagra, he was walking around in the room in the dark. He’d very bad eyesight and wasn’t wearing his specs. His penis hit a closet like a battering ram. BAM! A broken penis! He was sent in an ambulance to a KL hospital all the way from Genting; a spoiled lusty holiday...What a shame.”

Wati cracks some Menglembu groundnuts. “Actually, these are rare cases,” she says. "According to my niece who's a nurse in the KL General Hospital, the most common cause of penile injury is the organ getting caught in zippers -- it often happens to children."

I say: "Guys, don't consume sex-enhancing drugs, especially sold by roadside peddlers in Haji Taib. They can cause priapism – meaning the blood cannot drain from the penis. An erection lasting more than four hours is a sign of trouble. My doctor says the victim should sit in a warm bath, try to relax and hope the manhood shrinks back to normal.

“Second, try to ejaculate, either by masturbation or with a partner. Third, take a cough mixture containing ephedrine or epinephrine. These substances can cause the blood vessels to contract, and cause the erection to go away. If all fails, go to a hospital.”

“How to find out if a cough mixture contains those substances?” asks Chow Kah.

“Simple, just ask the pharmacist."


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