Strip-tease dancer becomes spy for MPAJA

Travelling by bus from Kuala Lumpur to Penang many years ago, I was sitting beside a man with silver hair and etched complexion.

As the bus passed Jalan Cowan in Ipoh, he pointed to the neon lights of Jubilee Park and said: "There! It all began there."

"What?" I said with a start. "Are you talking to me?"

"I'm sorry," said the man. "I got carried away by my memories of Susie Soong and Michael Mok."

"Who are they?" I asked.

The man said: "Since we have a long journey ahead of us, let me tell you their tragic story.

"Susie was a Penang girl who caused a scandal in Ipoh during the 1940's. Her parents were sinkek (immigrants) who had toiled to give her the best. They hawked tok tok mee at Swatow Lane but business was bad. Her father was also an incorrigible gambler, so the couple had died penniless.

"Wishing to escape from the memories of her childhood poverty, Suzie went to Ipoh when she was 18. She first worked as baby-sitter for a British couple. Eager to make fast money, she then got a job as a strip-tease dancer at the Jubilee Park.

"At that time, the Park was where all the action and nightlife were in Ipoh. Leong Fu wrestled there. 'Tiger' Maniam and 'Thundebolt' Aziz boxed against the Britishers there. Even Rose Chan did a short stint there. The ronggeng girls were also crowd-pullers in their tight-fitting sarung kebaya. A customer could buy a ticket for only 10 sen and dance a round of ronggeng with any girl. Of course, these people were during your grandparents' era. So I doubt you've heard of them.

"Anyway, Michael Mok was an Oxford graduate who had just returned to Ipoh. He went to Jubilee Park and saw Susie perform. It was love at first sight. For the next seven nights, Susie performed in an almost empty hall. Her only audience was Michael who had bought tickets to all the seats in the hall. After each performance, he would go up to the stage to present her a bouquet of flowers. A whirlwind courtship started.

"The whole town gossiped. Michael's father, who was a highly respected tin-mining tycoon, disapproved of his son's liaison with Susie. But as they say -- love is blind. Michael continued to see her, and was eventually disowned by his father.

"The couple came to Kuala Lumpur to start life afresh. Michael got a job as a clerk in a rubber factory while Susie sold flowers at the Pudu wet market. It was 1941, and the Japanese invaded Malaya. In the confusion amidst the bombing, the couple were separated. Their rented shack on High Street -- now called Jalan Tun Perak -- had also been blown to pieces.

"Months passed. Susie found a job as a waitress in a bar. A senior Japanese officer who was a regular customer took a liking to her.

"Outwardly, she returned his affections. But unknown to the Japanese officer, Susie had joined the Malayan People's Anti-Japanese Army or MPAJA in short. She managed to extract information from the Japanese officer which she passed to the MPAJA.

"Then disaster struck. During a rendezvous with some MPAJA leaders one night, she was arrested by the Kempeitai. They were the dreaded military police famed for their cruel torture methods.

"At her trial, an informer of the Kempeitai was produced as a prosecution witness. When Susie and the informer saw each other, they nearly fainted. The infomer was Michael Mok, who had become a 'running dog'! He did not know that Susie had joined the MPAJA.

"Susie was shot after the trial and Michael was so overcome with grief that he commited suicide. According to rumours, he tied a boulder to his body and jumped into the Gombak river."

Tears flowed down the man's cheek and he hugged me momentarily as if for comfort. I patted his shoulder.

At that moment, the bus conductor yelled: "Taiping, Taiping."

"This is where I get off," said the man and left the bus.

I leaned back and thought about the story. Suddenly, I realised that I had fallen for the man's ruse. My wallet had been picked!

/end

Soong unable to cope with middle-age crisis

Soong Lai Chai phoned and asked me to meet him at the Hot Legs Pub & Bistro in Sri Petaling, K.L. He sounded depressed. Soong, an engineer by profession, is married with two kids studying in universities. I had known him for more than a decade, and of late, he seemed to have taken up drinking to unwind.

"What's up?" I asked, swalloing a mouthful of lager.

Soong said: "I have not been feeling my usual self of late. A fortnight ago, when I woke up one morning, I felt pain in my lower back. I had a busy schedule so I was upset though I knew the pain was nothing serious.

"Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with a chiropractor. While runing through a list of names in the phone book, I realised that for the past six months, I'd not been able to read anything smaller than newspaper headlines. In short, I was getting long-sighted.

"Later that day, a new employeee called me 'Sir.' She was in her twenties, and instead of being flattered, I was annoyed. That same evening, when I went to an IT shop to browse around, the salesgirl called addressed me as 'Uncle.' Aiyooh... long time ago, salesgirls called me 'liang chai' (Cantonese for "handsome".) I really missed those days.

"A week later, I wanted to call my son, Felix, to ask him about his coming exams. But I called him by my dog's name Fifi. It was a slip of the tongue, of course.

"I was furious with myself. What has become of me? I've always been leading a healthy lifestyle. So why is my body and brain no longer as good as before. Then on occasions, I would became depressed; sometimes irritable for no apparent reason."

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Why? That's personal, you know."

"Let me put things this way," I said. "Whose singing do you prefer -- Matt Monroe's or Michael Buble's?"

"Who's Michael Buble?"

"Never mind about him," I said. "I think you're suffering from middle-age crisis."

"Eh? What's that?"

"It's a set of preconditions to old age and your attitude towards them," I said. "Take puberty, for instance. It's a phase when a person is no longer a boy but not yet a man. Difficult period, you know. Likewise, middle-age crisis is a condition when a person realises he is no longer young but denies growing old. Can be said to be a denial phase before acceptance."

"Hey, I'm not old," he said.

"How's your sex life?"

"Come to think of it, my libido has been decreasing."

"You know what you need? Zinc! Maybe even Tongkat Ali! "

Soong said: "No thanks, I don't believe in those supplements. You can get all the minerals and vitamins you need through proper diet.

"But I take 1,000 mgs of Vitamin C every morning. Then after lunch, I take 100 mgs of vitamin E which is supposedly good for the memory, and also Misai Kuching which is... Ah...never mind."

I looked at my watch. As it was getting late, we decided to call it a night. We left the pub and I walked him to his car. It was a convertible sports car that was so small that only a midget would be comfortable driving it.

I asked: "Where's your Volvo?"

"I sold it. Volvos are for elderly people."

He folded the roof back and got into the car. As he zoomed away, his wig flew off and I saw his balding pate disappear from sight in the moonlight.

/end

Amorous encounters that backfire

Sex is not alway a fun activity. Sometimes the encounter can boomerang back in a hilarious way.

A few years ago, my ex-colleage K. K. Soong was given an incentive trip to the United States by being the top advertisement-space saleperson in the company. Soong was a handsome chap but extremely short sighted, and wore spectacles as thick as magnifying glasses.

When I asked him to tell me about the worst part of his vacation, he shook his head, smiling wryly. According to him, he had picked up a blonde in a San Francisco bar. He bought her several drinks and they chit-chatted. Then he took her to his hotel room and more booze was consumed. They made love and fell asleep. In the middle of the might, he awoke and made love to her again, finding to his delight she was willing and eager. Then he fell asleep in her arms.

The next morning, he got out of bed. When he put on his spectacles, he noticed his companion lying spread-eagle on the bed and saw with horror the pondan's (Malay for "transvestite") enormous male organ.

"How could you make love to a pondan twice and not realise it?" I asked him.

"I don't know but I was very drunk," he said. "I was also not wearing my spectacles, and the lights were dim, very dim."

Another man whose amorous escapade backfired was my neighbour's son. One night, I heard a commotion in my neighbour's apartment. My neighbour, Mrs. Thong, was screaming at the top of her voice: "Let go of my son! Let go of my son!"

I rushed to her apartment and banged on the door. "What's the matter, Mrs. Thong?" I asked.

Mrs. Thong opened the door and let me in. "It's my son and daughter-in-law," She said. "They're in trouble."

Six months ago, Mrs. Thong had advertised for a wife in a newspaper. The advertisement which had been drafted by me, had ran like this: MAN STRONG AS BULL SEEKS WOMAN STRONG AS COW TO BE LIFELONG PARTNER. Six months later, a girl was married to him.

As I sat in the living room, Mrs. Thong told me she heard her son and daughter-in-law scream for help in their bedroom.

"The door was latched but I managed to force it open with a crowbar," she said. "When I got inside, I saw them both naked in bed and unable to be separated -- after having made love. My son's face was pale and he appeared to be half-conscious, whie my daughter-in-law was cringing in embarrassment."

"I'll call a doctor while you try something," I said. Mrs Thong first applied medicated oil on her daughter around her groin but it did not work. She was still unable to release her husband. Then Mrs. Thong rushed to the bathroom and tottered back with a bucket of water.

She splashed the bucket of water on the couple. But they were still stuck. SPLASH!
The couple were drenched a second time. SPLASH! Another bucket. But the couple were still in union.

"Aiyah, why can't it work on humans?" exclaimed Mrs Thong. "I've separated mating dogs with this method before."

Finally, the doctor arrived and administered a muscle relaxant into Mrs. Thong's daughter-in-law who eventually released her husband.

A week later, Mrs Thong commented to me: "According to a Chinese sinseh, my daughter-in-law had too much yin, and somehow my son suffered an attack of wind -- kena angin."

/end

From lipstick to broomstick

A comedian once said that courtship is that part of a girl's life which comes between the lipstick and the broomstick; after marriage, the broomstick prevails.

When George Goh, my ex-colleague, got married, he had promised his wife that he would change his lifestyle. This meant no more going to bars, nightclubs, karaokes and spas.

One evening, his buddy decided to celebrate his birthday in a nightclub in Jalan Bukit Bintang, K.L. George was invited to the stag party and couldn't say no.

When he got home in the wee hours of the morning, his wife was waiting for him. He breath smelled of alcohol and lipstick stains were on his shirt. There was a row, and his wife threw a fit. It was only after George had apologised that the matter was put to rest.

The next morning, George went to visit his parents. His wife was still sore and didn't want to go, preferring to visit her mother instead.

When Mr. Goh saw his son, he asked why there were scratches on his face.

"You know that bamboo blind in the balcony?" explained George. "Yesterday, when the sun had set, I was rolling it up when it landed on me."

Mr. Goh was not convinced. "A bamboo blind cannot cause those scratches," he said. "They can only be inflicted by your wife. Tell me, son, what happened?"

George told him.

Condoning his son's fling, Mr. Goh said: "Aiyah... going to a nightclub is a small thing. You should not let your wife hen-peck you. When I was your age, I used to go to those places, too. In fact, last week, I just discreetly went to a hanky panky spa. Son, you must show your wife who's the boss. Never be afraid of her."

Unfortunately, Mrs Goh was in the next room and overheard everything. Enraged, she charged at her husband with a broom.

"Outta the way, son!" yelled Mr. Goh as he bolted up the stairs to escape his wife. "My own bamboo blind is falling down!"

Mrs Goh pursued her husband but he went inside their bedroom and locked the door.

"Come out, this instant!" demanded Mrs. Goh.

"I'm a man and I do what I please," replied Mr. Goh. "Stupid is he who leaves the safety of his den when there is a tigress waiting for him outside."

/end