Wife puts husband's roving eye on hold

Browsing through a newspaper, I came across an advertisement by a fitness centre that offered a concession on membership fees during its promotion period.

As I had been feeling lethargic lately, I decided to visit the centre to see what it had to offer.

The proprietor of the centre was a Mr. Samson Soong. He was a former body-building champ and had a handshake like a vice.

He said: "Each new member is given a fitness evaluation test that comprises aerobic, flexibility and strength before an individual programme is assigned. Our facilities include a sauna, two jacuzzis and a bar serving fresh fruit juices and snacks.

"Our instructor has a degree in Physical Education and we also offer a massage service to complement the workout sessions. By the way, are you married?"

I said: "Yes. Why?"

He said: "Then you have every reason to join us. We have many members who are married men and they have reported healthier sex lives. Physical fitness and a saisfying love life go hand in hand. Besides, we give discounts to couples."

"My wife is into aerobics already."

He said: "That's good. But women would benefit would lifting weights, too. Do you know that the pectoralis major and the gluteus maximus help form the curves of a woman?"

I asked: "The what?"

He said: "These are the muscles of the chest and buttocks respectively. If a woman develops these muscles, she adds inches in the right places. So, she becomes more shapely."

He led me to the gymnasium.

A man and a woman were working out. The man was plodding on a treadmill while the woman was lifting weights on a bench press.

Mr. Soong said: "That's Mr. and Mrs. Sng. They take their exercise programmes seriously. Come rain or shine, they'd be here every day."

There was no doubt that Mrs. Sng was an exercise fanatic. Her shoulders were broader than mine and her arms and legs were the size of tree trunks.

Mr. Soong said: "Excuse me while I go and get you some brochures and forms. Feel free to look around for a while."

I was looking at some equipment when two girls in leotards came in.

One of them placed an MP3 on the carpeted floor near a mirror and switched on dance music. Then the two girls pranced and gyrated in unison.

A short while later, one of the girls said to the other: "Hey, that's enough. Let's go to the sauna."

When they had left, Mrs. Sng said: "Lou kung! (Cantonese for "husband"). Don't think I didn't see what you were staring at!"

Mr. Sng was startled and looked sheepish. Regaining his composure, he said: "Lou phor (Cantonese for "wife"), I was just trying to learn some aerobic movements from them."

"So, you were admit you were staring at them! If I weren't here, I don't know what you'd have done."

She went to her husband and gripped him in a side headlock.

"Let's see if you dare do it again, " she said, exerting her full force.

Mr. Sng yelped like a puppy: "Aiyaaak... aiyaaak... let go, please. I won't do it again, I promise."

She released him.

At that moment, Mr. Soong appeared. "Here are our exercise programmes and two membership forms. One for you and one for your wife."

I said: "Only one membership form will do. I'll let my wife stick to her aerobics."

Imagine if my eyes should stray. And the next second, my wife has me in the grip of a wrestler's full Nelson!

end/

Not all couples are what they seem

Last month, I went to with a former colleague Ms Linda Phang to a lounge in KL Plaza. We saw a man come in with two girls. The man was in the middle and holding their hands.

He was half-bald and portly. The two girls were in their early twenties.

Linda said: "Men.. you just can't trust them. Look at his hum sup (Cantonese for "lecherous") face! He should be ashamed of himself. I bet his poor wife is at home ironing or watching TV alone. To be married to a man like him is worse than being in hell."

I said: "How do you know he is married? He might be one of those playboys. Or could be a divorcee or a widower. And has the right to go out with who he wants."

"Whose side are you on?" asked Linda.

"Nobody's," I said. "I am just being fair."

"Alright, he may be unattached, but those two girls are too young for him."

"Age is a case of mind over matter. If she doesn't mind, it doesn't matter. "

"Look, look," she said. "He's putting an arm over the the shoulder of one girl. That's disgusting."

At that moment, a man and woman came and sat at the table next to ours.

The man was young and macho and the woman was matronly and had streaks of grey hair.

I said: "Not all men are like that old philanderer over there, aren't they? Take the young man at the next table. He's spending a quiet evening with probably his mother when he could have been gyrating away in a dance club with his girlfriend."

Linda looked at the macho man and said: "Filial piety and fidelity are two different things."

I said: "I know. But if a man has a good character, then it is likely that he's good in other ways, too."

A waiter bought a birthday cake and placed it on the table where the two girls and man were sitting.

The man blew out the candles and the two girls said in one voice: "Happy birthday, Daddy!"

Linda was startled.

At that moment, the macho guy came over and said: "Excuse me, can I borrow your handphone? Mine just ran out of credit. Got to make an urgent call."

"Sure," I said. "But not for too long."

He pressed a number and said: "Hello, Boss? Steven here. My hark chai (Cantonese for "client") wants to book me until 2 am. She wants me to escort her to a par-tee (Cantonese for "party").

"How much shall we charge? Hmmm...hmmm... Hey, cannot lah. Our competitor's charges are cheaper. Hmmm... okay....hmmm... okay lah."

He thanked me and returned to his table.

Linda looked at me.

I looked at the ceiling.

/end

Close encounters of a hilarious kind

My wife and I went shopping at a deparment store where there was a sale. At the ladies department, she selected three pieces of garments and went to a fitting room. I offered to hold her handbag.

As I waited for her, I browsed among the dresses for want of something better to do. It was then that I noticed a man looking at me.

I ignored him. He continued to look at me from head to toe. When I looked at him, he looked the other way. Probably an in-house detective, I told myself. The man loitered toward me.

I looked at him and he smiled. I looked behind me in case he was smiling at a girl but there was no one. As he had smiled at me, I smiled in return.

Then he said: "Many people in the store, huh?"

As I was curious to know what he was up to, I said: "Yes, but everything's cheap."

"My name's Joseph Chow? My friends call me Joe. Can we be friends?"

"Why"

"I guess you could say we have a common interest."

"What do you mean?"

"Ah... you are shy. I was shy too. But I got used to it."

"No, I am not shy."

"Look friend, let's be frank. You're gay like me, aren't you?"

"Of course, not!"

"Then why are you carrying a handbag?"

"It's my wife's! Here she is."

I did not tell her my new-found friend. Some women might not understand these things.

We next went to the lingerie department. Something caught her fancy and she stopped to talk to a salesgirl.

I walked ahead and waited.

Suddenly, I heard a woman behind me said: "Lou kung (Cantonese for "husband"), get me size 36, quick! Three quarter cup! Return these."

I turned just in time to see an arm fling two pairs of brassieres to me from the direction of a fitting-room door which was slightly open.

I caught the brassieres with my right hand.

I said: "Hey, I am not your lou kung!"

But it was no use. The woman in the fitting room could not hear me. I looked around. Several women were staring at me.

At that moment, an old woman came up to me.

She hollered: "Ai-yah! You hum sup man! How dare you take my daughter's bras?"

I said: "I didn't take them. She threw them at me!"

Suddenly, a man appeared. His shirt was the same colour as mine.

"It's alright, Mother-in-law. Let me handle this," he said to the old woman.

Expecting him to give me at least a karate chop, I was relieved when he said: "I saw what happened. I'm sorry my wife mistook you for me. Can I have the bras back?"

I said: "By all means."

By this time my wife had joined me.

"It must have been boring for you," she said. "The next time I go shopping, you stay at home."

If only she knew... if only she knew.

/end























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