Bathrooms not for hanky panky

A newspaper recently highlighted the tale of an old man who married a young Thai girl. His happiness was short-lived as a few months after the marriage, the girl fled back to her hometown in Thailand with her husband's cash and jewellery.

Curious as to why Malaysian men go after Thai lasses, I asked around, and according to my sources, it's because Thai girls are more accommodating. They treat their husbands like kings and will even bathe them.

When I told this to Madam Sumiko Taro, the part-owner of a Japanese lounge in KL Plaza, and suggested that Japanese women may have been upstaged by their Thai sisters in giving tender, loving care to their respective husbands, she was not impressed.

"But the Thai wives copied Japanese women," said Sumiko.

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."

"But there are other things they haven't copied yet."

"Like what?"

"During olden days in Japan, on cold mornings, a Japanese wife will prostate herself on the floor at her husband's side of the bed so he won't have to stop on a cold floor."

"Really?"

"Yes. My mother used to do that for my father during the early years of their marriage. Later, when they could afford mats in the bedroom, it was not necessary for her to be a mobile mat any more."

Sapphire, a GRO, chipped in: "My goodness, I wouldn't do that for my boyfriend. He weighs 90 kilograms."

Sumiko said: "The husband doesn't stand on the wife. He merely rests his feet on her back."

"I still wouldn't allow my boyfriend to use me as a leg rest."

"Why?"

"We consider the feet to be an inferior part of the body as they're the lowest. To touch a person with your feet is insulting to that person. What more if that person is your wife."

"If that is true, why do some Chinese men allow masseuses to trample on their backs?"

"That's giving massage, so it's different," said Sapphire.

"Okay, what about wives bathing their husbands? Is it insulting for a wife to bathe her husband?"

"Are you referring to Thai, Chinese or Japanese wives?"

I intervened to give a man's point of view. "Chinese wives seldom bathe their husbands not because it is an inferior thing to do. The Chinese have never placed much importance in the pleasures of the bath.

"In the old days, the bathroom was always sited far away from the house. Water was stored in clay urns or cement cisterns. As the bathroom seldom had light, the water was cold and algae could often be seen at the bottom of the cistern.

"Under such conditions, the bathroom was not a romantic place for hanky panky. Chang chooi in Hokkien means 'to be hit with water.' It's zhung sooi in Mandarin. So, basically, the bathroom was a place where one cleansed onself.

"Even though long baths are common nowadays, the function of the bathroom has remained the same. When in a bathroom, bathe. For hanky-panky, there're other rooms.

As Sumiko and Sapphire suspected that I was insinuating something, they realised they had other customers to attend to. And left me to gaze into my glass of shochu.