Unable to cope with middle-age crisis

Soo Lai Chai phoned and asked me to meet him at the Hot Legs Pub & Bistro in Sri Petaling, K.L. He sounded depressed. Soo, an engineer by profession, is married with two kids studying in universities. I had known Soo for more than a decade, and of late, he seemed to have taken up drinking to unwind.

"What's up?" I asked, swalloing a mouthful of lager.

Soo said: "I have not been feeling my usual self of late. A fortnight ago, when I woke up one morning, I felt pain in my lower back. I had a busy schedule so I was upset though I knew the pain was nothing serious.

"Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with a chiropractor. While runing through a list of names in the phone book, I realised that for the past six months, I'd not been able to read anything smaller than newspaper headlines. In short, I was getting long-sighted.

"Later that day, a new employeee called me 'Sir.' She was in her twenties, and instead of being flattered, I was annoyed. That same evening, when I went to an IT shop to browse around, the salesgirl called addressed me as 'Uncle.' Aiyooh... long time ago, salesgirls called me 'liang chai' (Cantonese for "handsome".) I really missed those days.

"A week later, I wanted to call my son, Felix, to ask him about his coming exams. But I called him by my dog's name Fifi. It was a slip of the tongue, of course.

"I was furious with myself. What has become of me? I've always been leading a healthy lifestyle. So why is my body and brain no longer as good as before. Then on occasions, I would became depressed; sometimes irritable for no apparent reason."

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Why? That's personal, you know."

"Let me put things this way," I said. "Whose singing do you prefer -- Matt Monroe's or Michael Buble's?"

"Who's Michael Buble?"

"Never mind about him," I said. "I think you're suffering from middle-age crisis."

"Eh? What's that?"

"It's a set of preconditions to old age and your attitude towards them," I said. "Take puberty, for instance. It's a phase when a person is no longer a boy but not yet a man. Difficult period, you know. Likewise, middle-age crisis is a condition when a person realises he is no longer young but denies growing old. Can be said to be a denial phase before acceptance."

"Hey, I'm not old," he said.

"How's your sex life?"

"Come to think of it, my libido has been decreasing."

"You know what you need? Zinc! Maybe even Tongkat Ali! "

He said: "No thanks, I don't believe in those supplements. You can get all the minerals and vitamins you need through proper diet.

"But I take 1,000 mgs of vitamin C every morning. Then after lunch, I take 100 mgs of vitamin E which is supposedly good for the memory, and also Misai Kuching which is... Ah...never mind."

I looked at my watch. As it was getting late, we decided to call it a night. We left the pub and I walked him to his car. It was a convertible sports car that was so small that only a midget would be comfortable driving it.

I asked: "Where's your Volvo?"

"I sold it. Volvos are for elderly people."

He folded the roof back and got into the car. As he zoomed away, his wig flew off and I saw his balding pate disappear from sight in the moonlight.

/end






































.